Thoughts in the Middle of Moving

I'm leaving for Utah in just a few hours. Well, in about 13 hours. I have packed my car to the hilt. I'm still packing, but I'm actually kind of good at moving.

I will drive to Chicago tomorrow and pick my Mom up, and then we'll drive together to through Iowa and on to Utah. It should be pretty easy.

I'm sweaty and tired from hauling stuff out to my car and out to the garbage, but I might be on the home stretch. (I tell myself this, then I look around and realize that I'm not even close.) I really hope I'm gonna be able to fit everything in my car. The trunk is stuffed to the brim.

The last thing to pack is the router/back up drive. I love this thing. Without it, I don't have internet access. I'm going to stay with my parents, who don't have internet access, and then my grandma, who also doesn't have internet access.

Also, I have no earthly clue if I'll get paid next week or not.

Yeah, it's a little scary. But, everything is gonna be fine. I think I'll wait until 2 am to pack to the router.

Maybe

One week ago, I told Chris I was done.

During the past week, I have learned one thing about myself and my interests:

After being with Chris, and "talking" to a couple other guys last week--I will be content with only two scenarios.
a. I want to be with Chris.
b. I want to be alone.

Conclusion: Other guys suck.

All last week, I was making peace with the idea that things with Chris were over. I cried. I pondered. I prayed. But mainly, I felt peace. I was very sad that I felt peace with an ending that painted Chris out of my life. But, peace is peace.

I wouldn't let myself believe that anything could change. It just seemed too much to ask for.

I love Ingrid Michaelson's music. I listened to all of her "angry--it's over" music. I avoided listening to songs filled with hope, because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

Sunday I went to church and listened to a talk on relationships. Tears welled. I tried not to listen. I tried to numb myself. I don't encourage playing games on the phone during church, but I just needed to stop thinking. Bejeweled saved me from the pesky thinking thing.

On the drive home, I let a happy Ingrid song sneak into my ears. I even let myself sing along.

I never really revealed the reason why things ended. I'll give you a vague overview.

Chris told me some things that were deal breakers.
I believed he told me these "deal breakers" because he wanted me to end things. Even though I ended it, I believed that he wanted me to end it. That doesn't exactly make me a heartbreaker.

Sunday night, Chris and I talked.

The dealbreakers are gone. My reasons for ending things no longer exist.

And guess what? He totally digs me. He was as sad as I was last week! Maybe even more so.

Time apart was good. I learned a lot of great stuff about myself. I learned that if things end, I will be just fine on my own. And I learned that I would soooo much rather make things work with Chris than be with someone else.

Here's the little song that I didn't want to let myself listen to. It puts me in a very good mood now.

Mates of State

I went to see the band Mates of State play at the Ottobar in Baltimore on July 14th. (That feels like a lifetime ago!)

Nick Thune opened with his comedic stylings.

And when I say, Nick Thune opened, I'm lying.

Guy, the Sword Swallower opened. And instead of opening at 7:30 as was advertised--he opened at 9:30pm. (Note I don't have a picture of Guy. This is because Guy or Die or whatever his name was--was inappropriately long.) I loved the Ottobar as a space, but they opened their door two hours late on a WEDNESDAY! And had three opening acts. What the what???

By the time the main attraction came on stage, the crowd was ready to keel over from fatigue. We'd been waiting in line since 7:30pm. Mates of State didn't even get on stage until after 11:30pm. I was soooo tired!!


But enough about that.


Nick Thune was hilarious! Check him out on youtube.

Free Energy played an amazing set. They're an awesome band. They dress like they stepped out of the 70's and into 2015. They swagger like Mick Jagger, with their long hair and their shirts undone so you can see their awesome chest hair. It's pretty killer. And the music ain't bad either.

Mates of State is made up of husband and wife duo--Kori Gardner and Jason Hammell.
They are joined by two other talented musicians--(our friend blowing the horn) and another guitar player. I can't find their names anywhere though.

Gardner and Hammell have been married since 2001 and they tour with their two kids. They put on a pretty great show. Jason plays the drums and Kori plays a multitude of keyboards while they both sing.

I had a great seat on the balcony just above Kori. I got to watch her play all the different keyboards. It was pretty awesome. She's wickedly talented.

My favorite thing was watching them watch each other. They were really in sync. I would imagine that the drummer would drive the beat, but I could see him looking to her for cues--so who knows. It was pretty hard to distinguish. They were so together.

They made a comment about the crowd being pretty "chill".

Yeahhhh . . . more like exhausted.

I love a good show--but when it goes until 1 am on a Wednesday night--I don't care how much I love the music, everyone was pretty toasted.

There was a couple that actually left early before the awesome grand finale.

And it was a killer finale! Free Energy and Nick Thune joined Mates of State and everyone sang and banged the drums in a giant communal celebration. I loved it.

Good times! Check out their albums "Crushes" and "The Re-Arranger".

Bummed OUT

I'm totally bummed right now. I keep thinking back and seeing all these dazzling signs that Chris wasn't in love with me. I started to list the reasons why I knew--but it was just really depressing. Then I started thinking, "How the hell did I not see this sooner?!!" But the fact is, he's incredibly good at being a good guy. He told me that he loved me, so he was carrying out his duties as a lover. He called everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. He texted. He talked to me about everything that was going on with his life. And I listened contentedly, happy to be a part of things. But he never allowed himself to become invested in my life. He didn't have room for me.

What's depressing is that he could have made room for me, but he chose not to. Hell, I made room for him.

So, the really depressing thing as that as nice as he was about it--as good and as attentive as he was--even though he made the specific effort to be a good boyfriend--his heart wasn't in it.

How do I not doubt myself when this happens? I gave my heart and everything I could to make this work, and his heart wasn't in it. There's nothing that I could have done more. But his heart wasn't in it. It's so hard not to be fatalistic and think of all the other men who tried, but just couldn't get themselves to love me.

I'm not ugly, I'm not difficult, I'm not stupid or annoying. I'm not rude or demanding. I'm just me. And yet, it's never enough.

Why can't I for once be enough for someone?

I realize I'm not perfect, but what is it about me that after all I can give--I just don't seem to be enough?

In other news, I have a hickey. What the what?? This 23 year old kid chewed my neck off the other night. Despite his attractiveness, I am still bummed. But at least I forget a little of my misery when he's gnawing on my neck.