Lots of Thoughts

Today was a good day. I slept in. I finally got some Redmond's Clay and soaked my feet. I'll find out tomorrow if it helped at all.

I'm watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame right now as little trick or treaters come to the door.

I want very much to get dressed up and go to a party. I want to feel a part of life here in the land of Ute, but I just don't. I just feel sick. You know when there's an infection in your body and you just can't shake the horrible way it makes you feel?

I've applied for at least 10 jobs this week. I have a hard time believing that I'm deserving of more money and stability, but I am. It's just hard to believe that.

I feel like I'm simply typing the same tune over and over again lately.

I wonder how I'm defined in this world? I don't understand my place. I'm terribly afraid of being defined by the world.

Remember Les Miserables? There are two girls who stand out to me. Cosette--the lovely girl who loves Marius, and he loves her and they live happily ever after. And Eponine--the lovely girl who loves Marius.

I listened to the music. Eponine had the best songs, but I hated to relate to her pain because it was my darkest fear that I was more like Eponine and less like Cosette.

Well, here we are 20 years later. Men love me, but they'd never actually choose me. They would never actually change their life to be with me. No, if I'm very convenient and if I provide some sort of amusement without demanding anything--then they let me be a part of their life. Until someone more important comes along, like their Cosette.

I'm not sure how this happened? Perhaps living with the fear made it a reality.

There are certainly other characters that I relate to: Addison on Private Practice--(last season, not this season), and Brenda on Six Feet Under.

The problem is--these two complicated melancholy women aren't exactly the picture of virtue. Being a single woman in these modern times is complicated. I'm not an angelic being. I'm not without desires. I could relegate myself to "spinsterhood" as my grandmother likes to put it, but I don't feel very much like an "old maid" or a "spinster". I just feel single.

Again, it's the same old tune.

But after years of associating with LDS men who view me as replaceable and unimportant, I can either choose to not date at all, or I can enjoy going out with good men who actually see me as more than just "second best".

I'm not sure what exactly I'm giving up. I'm just tired of being defined by everyone else. I'd much prefer to choose a world where I'm able to choose a definition that better fits my complicated nature.

Random Thoughts from a Crazy Train

I'm sitting under a red blanket in the freezing freezing of Utah enjoying a slew of random thoughts.

My throat hurts and I don't feel well again. My grandma thinks it's tonsillitis and that I need to have them removed.

I don't have health insurance.

But I submitted my resumee with an insurance company Monday and if I get a job with them, I'll have insurance on day 1.

I was looking at pictures of my friends' babies online today, because they're cute.

My friends Mel and Ben both have dark hair. Their child has red hair.

Bonny has very dark hair and Mike has dirty blond hair. Their child has red hair.

BUT...

Caroline has flaming red hair and Frank has dark hair. And their baby has dark hair.

Jessica has red hair and Paul has dark hair. And their baby has dark hair.

Interesting. . . .

My mom has blond hair and my dad has dark brown hair. All three of their kids had red hair. Granted we were oddly red. All three of us had nice golden skin in the summer time. I think we're kind of a mutt version of red head. Both my grandmothers have dark brown hair and dark brown eyes.

When I expressed my anxiety to the guy I like about him not answering my phone call the other night, he said, "I hate that feeling." Not--I'm sorry. Not--I'll try to be more sensitive. Eh... I no longer care. Heart is officially turned to off.

This might have something to do with the fact that I looked really hot last night and someone else asked me out for this weekend. I don't think I'll go out with him though. I'm not really into him either. But it was a nice ego pick me up. And it made me feel better about myself.

My friend Clay made me promise to stop dating for a while. Stupid Clay and his stupid wisdom. I made that resolution two weeks ago. Then failed miserably. Stupid me.

These are really random thoughts.

I should probably stop now. Does anyone know where I can get off of the crazy train? I feel crazy. I need for my throat to not hurt anymore. I'm a little frightened that I might be in bad shape when we open in two weeks.

Did I mention it's really cold?

The snow is falling.

I watched it fall as I swung the mop along the floor.

It was so satisfying watching the floor become clean, so clean, right in front of my eyes.

I looked out the window and saw giant flakes fall from the sky.

He called while I was cleaning the bathrooms at work.

He said to call after I got off work.

I did.

He must have fallen asleep. And who can blame him. I didn't get out of there until late. And he's always tired.

Uggh. I hate that I'm sad about this.

Why can't I just not care?

I feel like he's allowing me to love him. He's letting me care for him. That's about as much room as he has for me right now. He will let me care.

As I type this, it feels so utterly insignificant, but frankly, that's a lot right now.

I just keep waiting for the phone call when he'll tell me to move on forever. Or maybe he won't. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. He's a mystery wrapped in a conundrum.

When he told me to call after work, I imagined the worst possible conversation unfolding.

But it never happened.

Because he fell asleep.

I wish I could fall asleep so easily. I wish I would stop imagining the worst.

Movies about Women in the 60s or Rather--Mormon Women Today

I remember when Mona Lisa Smile came out. I really enjoyed it. It hit on the conflict between being a wife and mother and having a career that women "faced" during the 60s. When it came out, I was in graduate school, and none of my friends liked the movie. They just couldn't relate with the issues that the movie presented. I realized then exactly how different my LDS upbringing was from my friends upbringing. I couldn't imagine having a life where the dilemma between having a career and having a family just didn't exist.

This weekend, I saw Secretariat. During the movie, Penny Tweedy is faced with the dilemma of her loyalty to her father's legacy and her husband and children. There's a scene where her husband tells her that he won't spend any of his money bailing her out. She cringed at his words, "my money." We labor under the illusion that we are a part of a family--that we each play our particular part--and whether your role is to earn the checks or to run the business of the household--the money certainly doesn't just belong to breadwinner.

I wonder if my culture is so far behind the times that I relate better with the issues discussed in movies filmed in and around the 60s. Hmmm....

I guess I just can't convince myself that issues of equality are really truly all figured out. I still believe that there's a lot left to learn.