I've been talking with a new friend Abraham. Here's a list of Abraham's qualities: he's nice, good looking, he travels with his work to Africa and other exotic places, he appreciates great music and art, he enjoys sports, and he's a loyal friend. I met him because he is one of Spencer's good friends--so I know he's a good person to know.
This isn't a male or female thing, because I do the same thing when I meet an interesting new girl friend too--but whenever I meet someone who is interesting and cool--I automatically wish that I was cooler. I try to make myself seem more interesting than I am. I try to convince them to think that I'm cool too.
It's stupid because people who do this to me annoy the hell out of me, so I expect I must annoy the hell out of my cool new friends too.
I know I'm interesting and I've done cool things too--and I don't need to show people that. You are who you are and the good folks will stick around long enough to see the good in you. But he's really cool, and I really want to be his friend.
I am totally pathetic. Honestly, if Spencer didn't have to drive 9,000 miles with me this winter, he'd have never made it through this stupid phase of our friendship. I swear I am the most annoying thing in the world right now.
Ah well, hopefully I have enough self-knowledge to shut up about myself and just enjoy how lucky I am to get to know interesting and "cool" people. I have always been a little nerd. I will always be a little nerd, and the sooner I get used to it, the sooner I'll find peace.
I remember the first time I met Sister Tachini. I was wearing a lavender gingham dress. Yep. Gingham. I was tres chic. I swear. . . Now that I think about it, if my companions weren't forced to live with me and get past my insecure show off phase, I don't know that any of them would have thought much of me. My dear Sister Bush, how I must have tortured you.
I shall overcome and find love for myself--the kind of love that allows me to sit back and enjoy new people instead of torturing them by talking about myself incessantly in a bid to make them like me! I shall overcome!! I'm 30 for pete's sake!!
2 comments:
My dear Eve,
I can't believe how hard on yourself you are! Do you remember the people in Dallas who would look at you with wonderment because of your beautiful eyes and skin? Then one lady got the chills when you told her your name was Eve because it was just like you WERE THE REAL THING!!!! Then in church when we sang and everyone stepped by me and Sekona to approach you about your angelic voice????? Then I'm reading how you swim an obsene number of laps (I still don't know how to swim), cast the stake play, put together choir performances, teach kids literature and career skills (by the way, those mini career workshops sound AWESOME!), and I look at your photography and I'm thinking, "This girl has insecurities?" You exhaust me with your abilities!
Thanks love. The feeling is absolutely mutual. I am amazed at the wonderful things you're doing with and for your children. You have always had your head on straight. You were an amazing trainer.
As for my talents/insecurities--I think I need to find other stuff to occupy my thoughts. So I'm going to take up gardening and stop brewing over whether I'm good enough or not!
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