Bri in DC

I'm draining, draining. (See Eddie Izzard's bit about laundry. . .)

I should be asleep--but I slept in for a very long time. And now, even though I've taken Nyquil--I'm still awake.

I am thinking about canceling class tomorrow night, but I think I'll be fine tomorrow night. (And it takes so much energy to send emails out to all the students.)

Yesterday Bri came up to visit. She was supposed to be there at 3pm, but at 10am, I got a phone call saying, "I'm in the parking lot!" (She woke up early. Who does that??)

I still felt sick, but I was so happy to see her!

We had such a wonderful day. We went to the movies, to dinner, and we hit two clubs. It was so great to just be out and about. I wore a red dress, knee high boots, a jean jacket, and black leggings. I felt splendid! And Bri is gorgeous. It was very nice because neither one of us were out to meet anybody, we just wanted to go out and dance. Period. Guys were scoping us out, and one even offered to buy us both drinks--but we were both there to just enjoy the music and enjoy being alive, without worrying about what anybody thought of us.

I loved our talks. I just love her. I felt like she understood everything I've been feeling lately. We were able to vent and have fun at the same time. Being with her yesterday, I felt myself breathe a giant sigh. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out if I should stay in DC or not. I feel like wherever I go, it will be the same everywhere. I feel this need to find more joy in DC. And I feel like yesterday, I did just that. We started off at K Street Lounge. It was nice, but a little too pretentious. For some odd reason, everyone was dressed in black and white. (I totally missed that memo.) And rather than dancing, they posed. Glass in one hand, cock the hip, throw the look. And switch hands, cock the hip, wave the pinky. This was not my favorite dance. So we left!

We walked down the street to the Tattoo Bar. It was great! No cover charge! The DJ was fabulous. He mixed great old school music with today's top 40. Some people were in jeans, some were in great formal clubwear. Everyone was relaxed and having a great time. We're definitely going back.

We got home late and I fell into bed at about 3am. (Clearly, this is not a "how to get over the common cold" blog.)


I woke up this morning feeling horribly sick. But, (pardon my corny clichee) emotionally, it was just what the doctor ordered. :)

Thanksgiving

I have so much to be grateful for.

It's amazing how life twists and turns so that you can have these amazing experiences with so many wonderful people.

It's incredibly moving to think back on all the lives I've had the privilege to be a part of.

I am so grateful for all the people in my life.

Here's a brief list of things that come to mind right now:

lunch on the terrace with CJ
driving through Manhattan with Mikey
laughing with Mom and Dad
Notes from Sadey
Acting with Lesley
Singing with Dad and Matt
Comforting texts from Crystal
Driving with Clay
Sharing books and music with Marcia
Planning Reunions with the Sistahs
Sending packages to Angelina
Reading my students' journals
Watching toddlers' run at the Follmers
Comments from wonderful friends!

I could go on and on. I think of specific little examples of how you and you have sent me a message at the perfect time. Words can't describe how important the little things are in life.

I wish I could be more than I am--but it's comforting to know that I am loved in spite of all my weaknesses.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for late nights in prayer when I get to feel the love of God.
And I'm grateful for late nights when I get to pass that love on to others.
That is what life is all about.

Happy Thanksgiving!

No Turkey for me

It's official.

I'm too sick to infect others with my infectiousness.

So tomorrow my plan is to sleep, watch hulu, sleep, make some lentil soup, sleep.

And try and not be really sad that I can't go to CJ's for Turkey.

I went to work today which probably wasn't a great idea--but I wasn't sure it was that bad. I tried to stay away from everyone. I honestly don't feel too bad, until I try to stand up and then I get all woozy and dizzy.

Oh well.

Perhaps I could just blog a lot tomorrow!

That's it! I'll spend the day in pj's writing random thoughts that come into my mind!

Or I could reread Harry Potter! Or I could have a strange dream about falling asleep in a stranger's house. (That was last night's dream.) I had this overwhelming desire to sleep on the floor of a guy I barely know. I snuck in and fell asleep in the hallway. When I heard him pull into the drive way, I hid in the closet and prayed that he wouldn't find me. I just wanted to sleep in his house! (If anyone out there would care to interpret this dream--I'm all ears!)

I'm betting that you're all off having fun today and tomorrow though and that you're too busy to blog. Well good for you!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday and that you eat a lot of pie and turkey.

(Sobs softly to herself through her stuffed nose.. . . .)

Getting Sick

I feel myself becoming sick.

It's very strange though. I'm not depressed, but I'm sick.

Physical illness is heaven compared to depression!!

I went to teach tonight, and I felt the headache settle in. I can feel my sinuses becoming stuffed. I feel my joints stiffen and I am breathing in a bit of a fever--but other than physical pain--life is great! I feel wonderful!

Very strange.

I went to New Moon last night. It was a fantastic moviegoing experience. There were about 30 people in the theatre. About 3 were men. The rest were women over 30. With every kiss, someone would start to giggle--then the giggles would spread like wild fire. It cracked me up!

By the end of the movie, I was so happy to have had this wonderfully fun experience.

I should go to bed. I need to be better by Thanksgiving!

Being Inconvenient

I feel a little freer today than I did yesterday.

I'm beginning to understand the freedom and the power that comes in being inconvenient.

Last night a guy wanted to go out with me. It's sad how my brain works, (or heart rather), but all I could think of was--"Really! That's swell!" I should have been thinking--"No Eve! He's totally horrible! No Eve--remember how he treated you last time! Remember how you haven't heard from him in a week!"

A part of my brain was working and I didn't respond to his invite. As I prepared to go and see the Young Women sing in a youth fireside--I told my roommate that I was not going to put on make-up or brush my hair so that I wouldn't go and see this guy after the fireside. Ugliness is a great preserver of virtue.

But during the fireside--he sent about 10 text messages. His neediness was incredibly tempting.

So I wrote back.

(Drat!)

I said that I would meet him under certain conditions. I expressed them clearly. He said he was coming over.

I came home. I put make-up on, etc. But I didn't leave the house.

He kept texting me, trying to get me to renig on my conditions.

And I didn't.

He never came over.

I got my way! I laid down the law and I won! I did not change my conditions so that it would be more convenient for him. I was utterly inconvenient and completely unavailable except on terms that I set down.

I feel empowered and lighter today.

So today my brother wants me to fly out to see his show this weekend. My first thought is--"How much are tickets to Iowa?" Then I remember all the times that he has inconvenienced himself for me. Oh yeah--never! And as much as I love him and as much as I'd love to see the show--I'm going to keep my Thanksgiving plans and if he wants to see me--he can inconvenience himself by giving me more than 3 days notice.

Feeling even better.

Things I love

From 2002-2004, I worked at a little store called Overland.

I loved it!

As you do your Christmas shopping, consider looking visiting

www.overland.com

for gift ideas. The items are of the highest quality and the coats are to die for.

Here are some of the more affordable buys:

Best. Christmas gift. Ever.

Perfect when you're steering wheel is too hot or too cold!

A sheepskin pelt treated especially for babies. It keeps kids cool in the summer and warm in the winter and it's washable!


and this is the gift I bought for myself last weekend when retail therapy seemed the best answer to a poopy week:

My new Droid.

It's smart like the iphone, but I don't have to leave Verizon.

I can sync my facebook contacts with my phone contacts.

I can download all sorts of stupid apps.

And I can check your blog for updates whenever and whereever.

Also--it's pretty. :)

Still Processing

One of the joys of writing a blog is that because it's so public--it forces you to have a bit of discretion when writing about other human beings.

I have enjoyed this because it forces me to find positive things to write about--even when I haven't felt particularly positive. I've also tried to write more about feelings and less about the events.

I think all of us can relate to feelings and the purpose of writing these blogs is to discover and share in our shared humanity. So, I write about the feelings and I leave out the details of the events.

And usually when I find myself thrown face down in the proverbial mud, I try to bounce back pretty quickly. But right now, I just don't want to.

It's been a particularly difficult past couple of weeks.

I feel like I had to face all the things I'm very bad at--and I failed at all of them. I feel like I've had to look in the mirror at all of my fears about myself--and I can no longer convince myself that everything is fine. That I'm fine.

When I was in the 5th Grade, I felt like my friends didn't really want to be my friend--but that they pitied me somehow. Why would I feel this way? That's ridiculous! But sometimes these same feelings rise up inside of you--and 20 years later--the same insecurities rear their ugly head.

When I was 13, I had my first kiss. He and I have since become good friends, but that night I thought that a kiss meant that he liked me. I thought that it would translate into something new and fun. After kissing me, he told me not to tell anyone about it. Twenty years later, I find I'm still the girl that the guy wants to kiss secretly, but I'm not good enough for him to hold my hand in public.

When I was 20, I met a great guy and became wonderful friends with him. We did everything together. He wanted to share his dreams, his insecurities, his ambitions with me. But he never saw me as more than a friend. I was good enough to make him feel better about himself--but not good enough to love in return. And 10 years later, the pattern repeats itself again.

To see these patterns all repeat themselves within the course of a week--it's too much to bear. And it's difficult to convince yourself that it isn't you.

Something in me has to change. It has to change. But I don't know what.

My first step is to stop trying to fix things and just let myself exist. I just need to be for a bit.

If I can just exist for a little bit, I might find that healing sneaks in from out of the woodwork. I might find that when I let go and just stop trying that life itself can beautifully and miraculously bring elements of joy that carefully caress your heart and dispell all the angst and feelings of pain. With faith, existing can be almost proactive!

Balm

Musical Playlist for today:

Chris Thile: If You're Gonna Leave Me (Set me up with one of your friends)
Seldom Scene: Lies (From the Once Soundtrack)
Ingrid Michaelson: Creep
Ingrid Michaelson: Be OK
Fiona Apple: Never is a Promise
Fiona Apple: The Way Things Are
King Curly: All I Want is Happiness
My Chemical Romance: This is How I Disappear
The Decembrists: The Bagman's Gambit
Ryan Adams: Come Pick Me Up
Amy Winehouse: My Tears Dry On Their Own

And most of the songs on Ingrid's album Everybody because it is perfection for a girl who is sick of everything and just wants to be ticked off today.

It's hard to do though when there are good friends who call and who listen and care.

Good emo music makes you feel less like a drama queen though. It's good for the soul to hear someone else sing out with emotion. It makes you feel less alone, less weird, less damaged somehow.

It gives you something to smile about. Weird isn't it? Listening to miserable music all day somehow makes things better.

The same stories may play themselves out over and over again--but at least I can sing out with great musicians as I scrub the kitchen in my pjs. (In between watching Bones and Grey's Anatomy on hulu of course!)

Life is a Barrel of Poo

Oh this day just gets better and better . . .

I don't have the words for the craptasticness that abounds right now.

I officially hate my life right now.

Hate it.

No more Polly McPositive. She has gone to live somewhere else.

Allow me to introduce you to Ula the Unhappy, Molly the Melancholy, Patty the Pissed, or Tina the Ticked.

Much Needed Laugh

Same ol' Story

It's too much. too many times. Too much of the same thing.

I stopped writing in a journal because I felt myself writing the same story over and over again.

Eve likes a boy. Eve dates a boy. Boy only wants to be friends.

End of story.

Repeat story ad nauseum.

So today, I woke up. I had a good cry. I took a long shower. And I got ready for the day.

I need to feel pretty today. I need to be needed as more than just a mentor, a good listener, a funny friend, or a way to meet other hotter women. I want to be more than a means to an end.

It's refreshing to finally know where things are really at--but it still sucks to know that someone knows you so well--and they would still rather find someone else to be with.

Sometimes life just sucks.

Attraction

Guys and girls have such different ways of seeing themselves.

Men choose careers based on how they believe others will see them. How many guys do you know look at being a lawyer because it seems like a good profession--even if they have no interest in the law at all? When you look at what a lawyer does--it seems so incredibly boring! Who would choose it?! But people do all the time--and it's because they think they will be more attractive to the opposite sex.

Women hate their bodies because they don't look like supermodels. But when I think about it--what's the fun in grabbing at a bony body? It just seems so . . . crunchy. I might not look as good in a mini-skirt--but I like my soft body. And I think guys do too.

Girls appreciate a guy who chooses to do something because he loves it. If a guy is passionate about science, and he chooses to teach high school chemistry--that is very attractive! Sure, he'll never make much money. But, he'll be home and he'll be happy!

Guys appreciate a girl who loves her body. All women are beautiful. All women. We were created to be the fairer sex, and no matter what we might think about ourselves--we are beautiful creatures and we should act like it. I'm sure guys appreciate it when girls can feel their own inner beauty and they (the guys) don't have to constantly remind the girls of how beautiful they are.

I'm always shocked when a guy thinks his self-worth is tied up in his career. I wonder if guys feel the same way about women who think they're ugly because they put on a few pounds. Probably. (I hope so.)

I went out with a lawyer last night who was very nice, but he sure thought a lot of himself. He was a high powered attorney and he had a huge ego. I had fun, but he wasn't nearly as funny as other guys I've been out with. But because of his job, he thought very highly of himself. I'm sure that very beautiful women often feel like they don't have to be as interesting because their looks make up for their lack in personality.

I don't agree with that. Having a great body, or having a great job is no excuse for not being interesting. Read a book. Read an article. Show interest in the other person's thoughts.

And for you guys who are wondering if you should become a doctor or work as a UPS delivery guy--if you love your shorts and the fact that you spend your days walking and greeting people--be the UPS delivery guy! Those shorts are hot!

And that's how Evey sees it.

PS: The lawyer was incredibly nice and this isn't to disparage him at all. I had a great time!

Streetcar Named Desire

Tim Richards (Mitch) and Cate Blanchett (Blanche) in A Streetcar Named Desire.

Joel Edgerton (Stanley Kowalski), Cate Blanchett (Blanche Dubois) and Robin McLeavyin (Stella) a scene from the Sydney Theatre Company production of Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire.

Saturday afternoon, I got to sit in the Kennedy Center and witness an amazing performance. From start to finish, Ms. Blanchette was infused with energy. Every part of her trembled with life. I adored Robin McLeavyin's Stella as well. She was the perfect foil to Blanche. And Edgerton's Stanley was the perfect mixture of shame, passion, and power. I understood his rages, and I understood why Stella returned to him. I had to scream at myself in my head--"It's wrong!" But I wanted them to be together, despite all the horrible craziness. It wasn't until the end that I realized that Blanche might be the most sane one of them all. She just lived in a crazy world.

The whole show took me on a crazy ride.

I am so happy I got to see this production.

I was particularly fond of Blanche's gentleman caller Mitch, played by Tim Richards. He was a perfect representation of the kindness and gentility that Blanche had been hoping for in a man her whole life.

The whole story broke my heart.

More Ingrid Pics

This is Elliott Jacobsen. The drummer! He was so nice. And very funny. He told us all about life on tour. I hope someday that our paths cross again and we become wonderful friends.

The guy in the light--whose face you really can't see--is Dan Romer. He produced the album
Everybody.
Chris Kuffner is one I never got a pic of. Don't ask me why!! He's wonderful! And I feel ashamed because he's the only one I don't have a pic of.

This is Bess Rogers. We talked with her after the show. She was so cute and funny!

This is Allie Moss. Her killer vocals were sorely missed last night.

Greg Laswell at Ingrid: Part 3

I like him so much that I am willing to post this picture on the web.
Yep.
He's pretty awesome.

I am pretty positive that Greg Laswell and Ingrid Michaelson are married. They were wearing matching bands and he introduced her as "my dear dear dear (pause) Ingrid".

It was kind of heaven.

Next purchase: Greg Laswell's new album: Covers. He does a cover of "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush.

Greg Holden at Ingrid--Part 2

The infamous Melissa Branin, Greg Holden, and Me!

This is Greg Holden. He's from Northern England. He was the opening act at the show and he kind of cracks me up. Very cute. Loved his stuff.

Here's a sample of his cover "Walking on Sunshine". Check out his song "Choking on Concrete" as well.

Ingrid--Part 1

Last night was heavenly--sort of. I've seen Ingrid before and it was clear that there were some difficulties.

1st--Allie was sick. The last time I saw Ingrid Michaelson, it felt like most of the songs were duets between Ingrid and Allie, and you could tell the loss of Allie was a big bummer.

2nd--There were sooo many teeny boppers who came with every song memorized. Now, I love Ingrid, and I came to hear Ingrid--not the guy behind me belting out harmonies. I kid you not--during "The Chain"--he literally sang the 3rd round that Allie would have sung. It was driving me batty!!

But Ingrid made it all good. She sang some songs no one knew--and rewrote the words to others so the little cherubs would shut up!

She gave clear "call and response" directions to try and keep it under control, but during the song "Maybe"--the crowd literally started singing before she did and she started laughing. So, she sang another version of the song. As the show went on, the whole situation got complete surreal.

I have too much to write about this. I'm gonna just put up some pics and talk about the pics.

All Things Girly

Without realizing it, I've taken this Blog into a very Girly realm.

Feminism, Young Women, Being Single . . .

Interesting . . .

Things I am doing that aren't girly:

I am currently reading the book Sea of Faith: Islam and Christianity in the Medieval Mediterranean World by Stephen O'Shea.

I watch Family Guy far too regularly. It is stupid and offensive and it makes me giggle.

I didn't put on a spec of make-up this morning. (Granted I brought the make-up with me and when I find the a private moment--the eyeliner will go on.)

I tortured my class by making them read John McCain's essay against torture in English today.

I watched Sons of Anarchy last night.

While all these things have officially balanced my spirit a bit--I am going to appease the daughter within by going to see Ingrid Michaelson tonight in Baltimore and on Saturday I will watch the incomparable Cate Blanchett play Blanche DuBois at the Kennedy Center.

The woman in me is smiling.

Personal Progress

I work in the Young Women's as the assistant Personal Progress leader.

I kind of viewed it as a non-calling. I'm pretty sure they invented it. But, that little distinction has made it all the better! I go to activities when I can, and I enjoy myself when I'm there. But, I don't feel horrendously guilty if things aren't done right away. It's kind of heaven. We have about 20 girls in our Young Women. I have commented on them before, and they really are amazing.

For those of you who have been out of the loop for a while, or who have never heard of the Young Women program--here's the details.

Girls in the LDS Church between the ages of 12-18 meet together. They take lessons specific to their needs. Last week we talked about "Success"; the week before we discussed "Drug Abuse".

At home, they have a Personal Progress book. This book provides them with opportunities to grow in the different values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue. They do 5 activities from each of the values and then a 10 hour Value project. Once they've completed all of the Values, they get a "Young Women In Excellence" Award.

They can do this at any pace they want to. In our ward, we encourage the Beehives to get on it because life gets much busier when they're older. (Beehives are the 12 and 13 year olds.)

So, in that spirit. I met with the little Beehives last week and we learned to play "Give Said the Little Stream" using the Triangle, the flute, the shaker eggs, and the sticks. It was great fun! It sounded wonderful at the end of the night and so I signed off one of their goals. (I think it said something like, learn a new instrument or participate in a musical number.)

I like this program. Most of the goals require that the girls read 3 or 4 scriptures about a certain principle and then write in their journal or talk to their parents about their feelings. You don't need a church leader to do it. A mom can sign off on goals completed just as easily.

I really like it. (This entry started in one place and now I can't stop thinking about Crystal and Val and I really think I might be writing this for you two specifically now!) So, if you happen to have a daughter in YW--have fun doing Personal Progress with her. It's wonderful!

Feminism

I had a great conversation with my friend Alisha about feminism on Friday.

How many of you know a man (or a woman for that matter) who believes he's very hip to equal rights for women, and then they say something that sheds light on their true feelings on the subject?

When it comes to this topic, I'm pretty open minded. I realize that things have changed so much over the last 50 years that not everyone is going to see eye to eye. And we all have a multitude of different perspectives that influence our own world view.

During this conversation, I began to identify what I find acceptable, and what I found unacceptable.

I like that men and women are different. Differences are good and make us enjoy one another that much more.

I have no desire to become like a man in order to feel powerful. I'd much rather be like a woman--with or without power.

Women are inherently powerful because of our inborn ability to read a situation, to empathize and to listen. So, the need to prove myself powerful by acting like a man seems counterintuitive.

At BYU, I came to expect that there would be a certain bias towards men. The LDS church is a Patriarchal organization. As men are called to positions of authority, you can sense the meekness as they take on responsibilities that seem beyond their own capacity. But, with the help of the members of the congregation--both male and female--these men are able to fulfill this job and they learn to become great leaders. Women are not asked to lead--but it is never a question of the capacity to lead. Men have the responsibility of leading in one area, while women have the responsibility of leading in other areas. I have never heard it said that men are BETTER leaders than women. Perhaps they are. But as I have seen things administered, I have noticed in leadership meetings that if given the opportunity, women will serve well in whatever capacity you give them. Men have a tendency to let themselves focus on one aspect of life at a time. Unless they are given a specific responsibility, most men would rather concentrate on career or whatever aspect of their life they're most interested in at the time. Women thrive on balancing family, work, education, social agendas, etc.

What I'm saying in that long rambling paragraph is this: I have never felt that women were viewed as less than men in the church. We are viewed as having different strengths, and as needing different opportunities to grow and serve.

That said--I found after moving to Virginia that outside the cocoon of the LDS Church there were a lot of men who felt they were quite feminist in their leanings. But, through little statements here and there and actions too trivial to recount here--I found that some of these so called feminist men seem to see women as less capable than men. Outside the realm of religion, the disadvantages of women in society might seem to be the result of truly being the weaker sex.

But within the illumination of religion, we can see why we as the "weaker" sex might choose to live within the so-called constraints of a patriarchal society. We have the best of all worlds. We get to create, live lives of passion, service, love, work, follow, and yes, lead.