Unclaimed

I had a great conversation with a friend the other day. I figured out some truths about myself and I don't want to forget them, so I'm gonna blog.

For years, I was the best friend. I had a few friends that I hung out with all the time. For a year, there was Randy. We walked to classes together, worked together, and after he went out on his dates, he would come over and we would watch movies together and laugh about the date. This went on for a year. I fell for him, and he only wanted to be friends.

This pattern repeated over the years.

The problem with this, is that the relationships were wonderful--except that there was no reciprocated physical attraction. And so I naturally felt I was seriously lacking in this area.

Because I am deathly afraid of repeating these kinds of heart aches, I now jump into the physical side of a relationship too quickly. But I can't stomach the idea of investing time into a relationship that will just turn out to be a very good friendship. It's much easier to establish whether there is a physical connection right off the bat.

But this isn't solving anything.

I realized the other day the common link between both of these dating strategies.

In both cases--I am upset because I go unclaimed.

I may be the best friend that you talk to about all your problems--but you're still not going to introduce me as your girlfriend to your friends.

I may be the best kisser you've ever had, but you're still not going to introduce me as your girlfriend to your friends.

I go unclaimed. I am used. I am used as a sounding board and a therapist. But the guy will always make sure that his obligations are sufficiently limited.

This is a problem. I hate being alone. I allow these things to happen--both the "just friends" thing and the non-commital make-out stuff because it's nice to pretend that it might be real. It's less lonely that way. But if I don't stop allowing myself to be used up and walked on, I really will end up alone forever.

Mainly because I absolutely don't trust that any man would ever choose to take care of my heart and NOT use me. I have lost my faith in men.

I would like to regain my faith in men. And that means acting as though there are good men who will reciprocate in a relationship and who would be happy to guide me into a party and who aren't thinking, "I'd better keep this hush hush just in case someone better comes along." If I believe that a guy like that exists, then I will stop acting as though my only choices are jerks or loneliness.