On Thursday I woke up hoping that all would be well.
I rolled out of bed and decided to shower. I left a message on my mom's phone asking for some groceries--applesauce, gatorade, and bananas.
Showering is a bit of a marathon. It requires standing for at least ten minutes. I was so afraid I would fall over, or worse--vomit.
But I felt so clean and lovely when I got out of the shower.
I found silky happy hot pink pajamas.
I ate a couple handfuls of rice krispies.
And then my mommy called. And then my step-dad called. Before I knew it, my dad put me and my laundry in the car and whisked me off to Tremonton.
I've been here since Thursday. My laundry is done.
I'm still weary of eating, but tonight I ate fruit salad, a couple of bites of spaghetti and a piece of celery. This was after eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a few apricots for lunch. Pretty stinking cool.
Today, I played the piano for a little bit. It's the same piano I've been playing since my mom married Brent back in 1991. I kinda just went through the motions though. I plunked the notes, but beyond that, nada.
My lymph nodes feel like hard little peas in my neck right now. I continue to sweat profusely, but the pains are gone. I'm just plain tired.
It's been a really good illness for me. They say that as you fast, your body releases toxins. I've basically been fasting for a good while. So many toxins.... The mind and the body, the memory, all the issues I've been ignoring. . . it's all come up this week. Every pain seems connected to larger issues.
So, I've looked at the issues. I'm trying to be present in my body. Instead of ignoring my pain, to acknowledge it. I want to be here.
But in deciding to be here... I need to find a better way to spend the hours of my life. I need to stop waiting for my life. I need to fill my time with good things, positive things. I need to make the days count.
Even if in deciding this, my life suddenly becomes unpredictable and a little crazy.
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