Plans Schmans

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! I wore green. I ate a shamrock shake. That was the gist of my celebration.

I need to work through something serious.

I moved out to Utah for two reasons. Both were incredibly legitimate reasons to leave a good job.

1) I wanted to pursue things with Chris. I knew I'd never really knew if things would work from across the country.
2) I found a PhD program that was perfect for me.

It has been difficult since coming back. Very difficult.

I stopped dating Chris about 2 weeks after arriving in Utah.
Finding a job has been difficult. I've had three jobs since coming back. I was never as grateful as I should have been for my position in DC.

Well, I've had a few months to see how things would pan out.

Chris married his ex-girlfriend last month.

And I just got word that I was NOT accepted into the PhD program.

So now I'm here.

Here's what I know:

It was not right to stay in Washington, DC. I knew that before I ever met Chris.

I feel like I gave my application all the time and effort that I possibly could. I went to parties, met with two professors, expressed my interest over and over. I played the game perfectly. I should have gotten into the program.

For some reason, unknown to me, that particularly program was not right for me. I would have wasted time and effort and it would have led to a path that was contrary to what it is I am supposed to do.

I feel secure in the knowledge that if it was right for me to pursue that PhD, I would have been accepted.

The same thoughts apply to Chris. I gave that relationship everything. Time, space, love, effort, etc. It didn't work out because he is not the man that God has in mind for me.

So after making my own choices, working hard and qualifying myself for those particular blessings, for reasons beyond my comprehension, Heavenly Father has gently denied me those blessings.

I know that it is because He has better things in store for me. I am content in that knowledge.

But I wish I had some direction as to where to place my efforts. I just want to put my shoulder to the wheel and push forward on this new and greater path.