My Heart

This morning, sitting here. The snow falling again. I can feel heartache press in on me.

I have these funny ups and downs.

Like most normal people.

This is a year to express gratitude, but I don't want this to ever feel unauthentic. I need to make sure that the gratitude I express is tempered with genuine emotion, whether that be joy or melancholy.

I started to like a guy. We had a nice connection. He is attractive and witty. And we had a nice connection.

I let myself like him. I let my heart open. I don't know what is so uninteresting or frightening about the inside of my heart. Every time I show the inside of my heart, I'm left alone.

I think men believe me to be less than at first. Just another girl. Average. Funny. Pretty.

I wait a bit to show them my heart.

But I need them to know who I really am.

It's important in moving forward in a relationship that I be allowed to let down my walls and reveal my heart.

I crack it open and let the gooey passionate center show.

And for lesser men, it is more than they anticipated.

There are men reading this who have dated me who understand exactly what I'm talking about.

There's too much there.

My heart, the gooey passionate, colorful, complicated, poetry of my heart.

Like purple and blue and gold pumping tears and blood.

My heart.

It is what allows me to have the insight to be a good friend.

It gives me brilliant intuition on the stage.

It allows me to sing songs in a way that will make your own heart tremble.

My heart will only ever belong with one very special man.

So when I find someone that I like, I reveal it.

Just to see if he feels up to the task of being my match.

One man said, "Your spirit is so beautiful!"

He saw it. And he recognized me.

It is important for me to be able to love a man with my heart revealed and shining.

I hate the day after though because more often than not, the guy will reveal his own lack of heart and character and it will become obvious to both of us that he is not the man for me.

Someday.

Today I'm grateful for my heart.

My blue and red, gushing, golden, bleeding heart.

and the man who will one day treasure it.