A long time ago, I used to take head shots.
It is a privilege to reveal beauty in photographs.
I can't help it. It is there. And I like to take pictures of it.
I am in a state of dilemma about my own beauty.
It renders me complacent.
I am pretty whether I am skinny or fat. And I know it. I feel it. I feel beautiful even when I am horribly overweight.
My friends see beyond my weight and enjoy my company, but I know that they worry about my health.
They also know that I'm happy and they appreciate what I bring into the room.
My friends know me. We spend time together and they see who I am illuminated in my eyes and my laughter, my kindness and the way I care for them.
I recently found out that certain members of my family that I haven't even seen for at least a year--wanted to hold an intervention to talk to me about my burgeoning weight. They believe I need help.
Perhaps I do.
Perhaps from their distant place--they are not blinded by the beauty I possess. They are not placated as I am by the happiness I carry, regardless of my weight. This distance allows them to see my flaws in a clearer light.
I am trying though. I want to find a better way. I am reading the book Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
In it, she speaks of the harm of dieting and advises readers to learn to listen to their bodies. The body will crave what it cannot have. In order to give up the cravings, you have to believe that you're allowed the food. I don't know what to do anymore though. I have allowed myself to say yes. I have stopped dieting. And I weigh more than I ever have.
But I'm not really listening to my body. I am reacting. Bingeing because I can. Bingeing in one giant never ending last supper before the inevitable diet to end all diets. The idea that I will one day have to give up my favorite foods still hovers in my mind. And it makes everything that I don't need seem so good.
I am trying to process this discovery of the impending intervention. I want to look at it with a mind to my own health. I don't want to react or rebel.
I want losing weight to be like dyeing the tips of my hair pink. Something fun and new that doesn't change who I am--but simply alters my appearance and brings a little more vibrancy to my life. I am so happy that I dyed my hair pink! How fun! It doesn't change who I am.
Changing my eating will simply have to be because healthy food is delicious and vibrant. If my body shape changes--then it changes. But it doesn't add to or detract from the beauty I already possess. My beauty is anchored in my soul and my soul is eternal and effervescent. I am beautiful.
Today I am thankful for those who want to help and for the presence of mind to not be undone by them.
6 comments:
You impress and amaze me around every corner.
The feeling is mutual my dear.
Why do you leave the evil diet hanging above your head? Why not just remember how much you enjoy flavors? Overeating, and binge-ing, can interfere with our moment-to-moment love of well-prepared food. The foods that get binged on rarely taste as good, either. Quantity cancels out quality.
Yes, you're always beautiful. Breathtaking.
Eating disorders aren't, though.
Working on it. Your words ring true dearie.
I recently heard an interesting thought, that I think you would like. The person said, we need to stop referring to it as losing weight, because when we lose something, we want to get it back. Instead, we should think about giving away our weight or letting go of(or something like that) so that subconsciously we don't feel like we need it back.
And, I guess I just see your beautiful personality, I don't see you and think, man, Eve needs to lose weight.
I like that. Letting the weight go. I want to think highly of these family members--but honestly--the fact that they can't see beyond this doesn't speak well of them.
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