Birthday Thoughts

Clearly, birthday thoughts can only be expressed on the birthday.

1) I made an awesome steak this morning. I perfectly grilled a ribeye steak to a perfect warm pink center. It was divine.

2) I am dressed up. I did my hair and make up. My face is puffy because I'm puffy right now. This is not pleasing.

3) Over the past month, I keep imagining running my car off the road. I keep imagining disappearing. I have these horrible instances where I just feel so completely insignificant. Not unloved--just separate from. And it's my own fault. In my need for space--I've forced myself into this very isolated place. I just feel like I'm an unnecessary player. And while I'm not suicidal, I'm not entirely eager to live either. I just feel disconnected.

I can feel the love resonating from the birthday wishes I've received this year, and each touches me in that part of my heart that felt so unnecessary. I opened my grandmother's card and cried. I read my dad's card and cried. So many of my friends and family's wishes have touched and confused that part of me that whispers that I am separate. A part from.

Thank you for that. These feelings are the result of--

a) the long flu of December
b) not getting to bed on time--(I really need more sleep)
c) winter blues
d) lack of oxygen due to inversion
e) the stress of bills I've ignored

These things all contribute to this weird lonely paranoia. I was thinking to myself the other day that I was feeling insecure. I hate feeling insecure. Such a horrible feeling.

4) I have wonderful friends. Two friends took me to breakfast Saturday morning. Saturday afternoon I saw a play with a bunch of people I really love. I went to Thai food with friends and my little brother Nick down in Provo. Then I caught the last half of Hairspray at Midvale Main Street Theatre.

5) Yesterday at church, we sang my favorite hymn in choir. I get to work with splendid people on the music committee.

6) My dad came over and brought me birthday flowers! We got to watch Sherlock and just chill and chat. It was great fun.

7) This morning, another good friend called and we caught up about acting and he told me his adventures in La La Land.

8) My mom sent me my birthday wishes in French. I can't wait to spend time with her next week!

Right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work. I love this place.

I would like to get some new shoes. Mine all stink. I don't buy shoes. I need to make that more of a priority.

I don't think I'll ever not get depressed/overwhelmed/apathetic. (Not synonymous of course... just... varying symptoms of the same problem.) I think the only thing that changes over time for a woman of my varying tempers is that I know they vary. I know that things will pass. I need to get better at passing through these moments without eating quite so much ice cream. It's just not healthy.

Wishes for myself on this day of my birth:

I want to be less apologetic.
I want to be genuine.
I want to be stronger.
I want to be sensitive to others' feelings before I launch into discussions about my own feelings.
I want to be unafraid of my beauty.
I want to be responsible.
I want to be light.