This week hasn't been too swell.
and this is the week to make lists.
So here's a list.
1) I got angry this week because I realized that I hadn't taken my own past abuse as seriously as I should have.
2) I became angry with my abuser(s).
3) Then I realized that my self-destructive behaviors are self-abusive. Hence self-destructive.
4) Then I became angry at myself.
5) I'm angry at the people who have hurt me, but more than that--I'm angry at myself for using the memory of that to justify making decisions that aren't in my best interest.
Why can't I love myself enough to take care of myself?
Why do I get so mad at others for not loving me?
It's so clichee. I need to learn to love myself.
I think highly of myself, but I don't act with love towards myself.
I need to act with love towards myself.
I don't even care if I never have a relationship at this point. I'm so scared that I'm going to be drawn to other abusive men. I need to figure out how to fulfill my own needs so that I don't inadvertently end up falling for a man who will hurt me.
Oh the joy.
I am sure all this seems obvious, but it isn't always.
To simplify the lessons:
1) Love myself better.
2) No guys until I figure that out.
3) Allow the anger to motivate. Anger is energy. and righteous anger can motivate righteous actions.
3 comments:
Or... you can forgive yourself. You can begin to use the Light of Christ to replace the destructive energy for positive, love, light and joy.
And, then you can feel this great big hug I am giving you because damnitalltohell, I know exactly how you feel.
Eve, you've made leaps and bounds in your healing process. Don't forget that.. and remember (something my friend tells me and bugs the crap out of me, but is so true) these are all just experiences. Just experiences, and we can make them what we will.
I love you! LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS....
..."Life can be hard, but we need not be so hard on ourselves if we will see...we must be as gentle with ourselves"
Do you see why I love sunshine? She's pregnant and it's Christmas and she still gives so freely. Thanks. I almost deleted this post. Glad I didn't.
I agree with Sunshine. :) From one abuse survivor to another, it's never easy. Only by allowing the power of the atonement into my life have I been able to even function. I found myself drawn to the wrong kind of guys for a long time too... and wondered when I'd find someone who was actually good for me.
It will happen for you, when you least expect it. But in the meantime it's your job to ready yourself for that time. By forgiving yourself, by loving yourself no matter what, by enjoying every little beautiful thing you have to offer (which is millions, trust me... :)).... and by remembering that it's not now and never has been your fault.
You are not a victim... you are a survivor. Survivors love themselves. It's a process and it's not always easy but it's true. Survivors look for healthy, good and uplifting things and people to fill their lives.
You're amazing and I love you. Everything about you is incredible. Having you in my life is perfection. And knowing I get to see you in a couple of weeks keeps me going right now. :)
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