Changes

Things are changing. Things have changed. And some things will always be the same.

I enjoy my vegetables now. And sushi! I am not eating dairy, sugar, or even fruit. I am enjoying meat and vegetables. Asparagus is actually quite tasty. I love how tasty vegetables are when you're not eating out of an addictive need for carbs.

I went shopping Friday and bought some clothes that were about 4 to 6 sizes smaller than the last time I went shopping. They're a little tight, but they'll fit fine in about a week.

I'm enjoying the every day of being in a relationship. It's nice to just laugh and talk with Chris. I'm trying really hard to be myself so that I can believe that he loves me for me and not for some crazy perfect person I'm pretending to be.

This need to relax into me is reflecting in other parts of my life. I no longer care what people think about me. I'm just saying whatever comes to my mind.

For example, yesterday in church I was sitting in Gospel Principles and some people were standing about 5 feet from the open door just chatting at full voice even though it was clear the class had already started. The teacher kept the door open because not everyone knows where the class is and she wanted to make sure that people found their way to the class.

I said, "Through that door is a magical portal that makes it impossible for people to hear you five feet away."

It was not very nice.

But everyone laughed.

Another thing I noticed at church is that everyone is really closed off about themselves. I listened to two very educational talks about the atonement, but I felt no personal witness of the power of the atonement. It's like everyone wants to be knowledgeable about it, but no one wants to admit that they've ever needed it.

So I shared about how sometimes when I'm repenting, I don't want to say that I'll never do it again. And so it doesn't really feel like repentance. But the atonement helps me to get through the day and brings me closer to being able to fully repent. I said that I think that we sometimes think we have to bring ourselves fixed and ready to go before we let the Lord help us.

People commented on how I had shared something so personal. What's personal about that? I didn't share anything that I didn't know that everyone else in that room had done and felt.

Perhaps nothing's changed. Perhaps everything's changed. Either way, I'm feeling good about just being me right now.