A couple of years ago, I started going out with a guy from church. He was very nice, very together, and I felt like a lucky girl.
Two red flags stood out to me though. 1) He blamed his divorce--everything--on his ex-wife.
2) He made me feel I wasn't good enough.
One day, we were sitting in his car. He said to me, "This summer, we'll go on lots of hikes. Gotta work on getting rid of this." Then he patted me on my belly.
He patted me on my belly.
I was silent.
I didn't want to mess up a good thing.
Later that night, he asked me why I was upset.
By that time, I'd had a moment to get my thoughts together.
I told him that when dating a guy, I looked for two answers. 1) Who is he? 2) How does he make me feel? I told him I liked who he was--but I did not like how he made me feel.
A month later, he broke up with me.
A month after that, he married another woman.
Fast forward two years and some odd months.
A friend of mine just came over to vent about her ex-husband. She shows me his picture--and lo and behold--it's him!
I just spent the last hour listening to her share with me the battle her children are facing as they have testified against him--in two separate trials--one for each of the girls--on charges of sexual abuse.
Sometimes you want to know why the guy dumps you and chooses some other woman instead of you. You stupidly shake your fists at the heavens and complain and wonder and get all weepy...
Then you find yourself two years and some odd months later listening to a new friend tell you the struggles her girls are facing as they prepare for trial. You hear her vent and rage and shake her fists and then share all the things she is trying to do to help them to get through this.
I've known enough people who were guilty of sexual abuse in this state who never even went to trial. If the state wants to actually take him to trial twice--it's pretty likely he's guilty. But I'll refrain from saying his name until after the actual trial. (He's been arrested twice, in jail, gone through the pretrial phases, etc.)
Today, I am soooo grateful for unanswered prayers. I am grateful that I am single. And I'm grateful for the gut twinging experiences I had with him that helped me to realize that the things his ex-wife shared with me tonight are true.
6 comments:
HOLY CRAP!
I know, right? You can't make this stuff up.
I'm glad you paid attention to the red flags! Too many people don't or think they're just being too picky etc...
Before my sister started dating her husband, she was dating a guy where there were so many red flags! She finally broke up with him and I remember how hard it was for her to do it. Fast forward 17 years... he got married, had a couple kids, and got divorced and has made his ex's life hell. I asked my sister how she felt about that, and she told me that she just kept thinking, "that could've been me!"
Truth is stranger than fiction so many times...
Thank you for sharing! The thing is--you really can't know. But you can have faith in yourself and in your ability to get through the times where you can't always see the red flags. I know smart women who've been deceived. I'm commenting with two smart women who have found good men. And that makes me very happy!
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now--thoughts about an ex and how the breakup aftermath got harder instead of easier, thoughts about dodged bullets, thoughts about how much God loves us. I am so sorry your friend has to go through this, but I'm glad she has you. I've gotten little glimpses of what my life would have been like had I married my ex-fiance, but I'm glad I never had to find out in person. Your friend and her daughters are in my thoughts and prayers.
Heidi, We are fortunate. I love that I am a single woman in the company of other strong single women like you. My friend is blessed with beautiful children and they will all heal and come through this.
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