Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Gratitude

I'm having a little pity me moment right now. Little insidious thoughts of what might have been are creeping in at me. Needling questions about what I should have done differently, how I might have changed, or things I could have said, or better yet--not said--creep in at my heart and weigh it down tonight.

The holidays are a horrible time for reflecting on all the things we don't have.

I need to make a conscious effort to list all of the things I am grateful for right now.

1) I have a job.
2) I have a job interview on Monday for a very good job that provides me the opportunity to work in my field and make enough money to live off of.
3) I have a lovely new apartment.
4) I have numerous friends who love me and bless my life with their prayers and kindness.
5) I have a mother who is there for me to laugh with me, discuss new ideas, and to believe in me when I lose hope.
6) I have a step-father whose generosity of spirit helps me to float through dark times.
7) I have a step-mother whose kind spirit provides a beautiful example of unconditional love.
8) I have a father I can share almost anything with and I know he will provide me with simple wisdom.
9) I have music. I have jokes on my phone to read that make me smile. I have a lovely new mattress.
10) I have a life of beautiful memories. I look back at beautiful joys shared with individual friends. I think of times spent under the stars, in the woods, on a comfortable old couch, on the back steps, on a long drive, at Ihop or Denny's...I remember performances at any number of plays I've had the privilege of working in. I remember hearing beautiful music for the first time.

There is so much joy.

And yet one loss continues to break my heart. Ugggh. The depressing thing is it really is only one person. How utterly pathetic!

And when I think about it--by losing this one person--what unhappiness did I lose? I can imagine what joy there might have been--but I can't possibly know all the misery I might have been saved from? I'm falling prey to the temptation of imagining how wonderful it could have been--but I don't know that.

I can't know for sure what might have been, so there's absolutely no point in dwelling on that. I only know what I have right now.

I am grateful.

And I am resolute. I will not dwell on an imaginary future or a past that I can do nothing to change. I will live joyfully and gratefully in the moment today. And love the people, all the beautiful people, who choose to love me and have me in their lives. And pity those who don't. Suh there.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


This song pretty much says it all...

I just really need to know that everything will be all right, even if I completely fail at everything.

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tears Tears Tears

So... I cried at work today.

I work as a customer service agent. I like the phone part of my job. It is complicated and interesting and I've learned a lot during training.


I'm in on the job training, and my lead coach is a 24 year old numbskull.

Last week, I was late from lunch and break--like everyone else.

For three weeks, things had been lax. I wasn't afraid of getting back on time, because no one else was returning on time. Instead of simply having a conversation with everyone, he pulled me aside with the head of the department. I promised to do better.

That afternoon, I miscalculated the time on my break and came back 5 minutes late. It was literally a result of doing the math wrong. And soooo...he wrote me up. This was after getting three great sales the hour before.

I've had this write up hanging over my head this week.

This morning, I arrived at work at 7am. I am not allowed to get on the phone until 9am. I watched my coach finally saunter over to us at 7:15 and fumble through idiotic small talk while encouraging us to peruse our study materials online on our own. I was already doing that, because I am interested in doing a good job. I heard the other coaches talking about a powerpoint we should read over. My tooth was aching, and so I distracted myself by diving into the powerpoint early.

After 30 minutes of talking about I don't know what... (he was at the other end of the cubicles and I couldn't hear him...) I laid my head down to calm the raging pain in my tooth. I understand that it probably appeared that I was asleep. I realize it isn't great to pay someone for sleeping on the job--but how is my laying my head down any more of a waste of time than hearing him blabber on about whatever...

He asked me why my head was down--I told him I had a toothache. He asked me if I wanted to visit with the supervisor. The last time this happened, I got written up. So, I immediately felt attacked. I snapped back, "I'll be fine. I read the powerpoint already." He said, "Are you giving me attitude!" Somewhere in the exchange, I said, "Stop asking me so many stupid f***ing questions."


Soooo, the supervisor had ANOTHER talk with me. I spent the rest of the morning with tears streaming down my face. I have no patience when I'm in pain and tired. I felt threatened. And I was truly trying to be the best employee--but I was being treated like a rebellious high schooler.

I actually really like being on the job. I have tried to express my regrets to him and express that I understand the pressures he's feeling as a first time coach. But the man makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable. It is a horribly uncomfortable working environment. I just hate that someone presumes that I am trying to be a bad employee.

As I looked around at lunch, I noticed the employees who had been around a long time. They looked like broken zombies. That's how you have to be in order to survive this job.

I have to find a new job. I almost rammed my car into oncoming traffic on the way home.

I am seriously in a crazy bad funk right now. And no, I'm not pmsing.

Tomorrow I'll talk about how much I detest dating. No more...No. More.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ding Dong the Dream is Dead

I think the American Dream is dead.

And I believe this is a good thing.

I believe that my generation--the generation that entered their 30s at the time of the biggest housing crash we've ever seen--has a new dream.

Remember the Truman Show? All about the dream of living in a perfect house, having a secure job, and 2.5 kids. And it all turned out to be a nightmare where the guy was trapped in a manufactured world where someone else decided what would make him happy--and that someone else was ultimately the advertising companies sponsoring his show.

The old dream is manufactured. Do we really need a huge house? Is it really so horrible if we have to change jobs every 3 years? Are our possessions REALLY the source of our joy?

Nope. And I'm proud of my generation for waking up from this dream to embrace a better dream.

Do we need a place to rest our heads?
Yes. But it doesn't need to be huge. It can be a simple little one-bedroom apartment. As long as it is warm and we have room for our books and a small kitchen table where we can host friends and share a good meal.

Do we need to have a car?
Yes. But it just needs to get me from point A to point B.

Technology has paved the way for this new brand of thinking. Technology has become streamlined and simple. All we want to do--inside of one perfect little gadget.

All we really need--we possess within ourselves. The heart to love, ears to listen, a voice to share our opinions and our love, a curious mind, lungs that expand with laughter...hands to hold the ones we love.

This is the new American Dream.