Thursday, December 31, 2009
These are the movies I enjoyed the most. I don't care if YOU enjoyed them. (Well, I care--but I'm not about to prove anything as a critic--I'm just telling you these are the movies that made me happy.)
10. Invictus-- in all of my classes at least one student every quarter does a report on Nelson Mandela. I thought this movie was a wonderful introduction to a legend. The movie could have been unfocused and massive considering the breadth of the subject--but Mr. Eastwood kept the story on track and introduced the other elements with grace that will allow other storytellers to tell the other aspects of Mr. Mandela's life.
9. State of Play--I'm partial to a good movie about newspapers. I love Russell Crowe and my little sister was Rachel McAdams' stand in so I got to visit with her while they were filming in DC. I really loved this movie about the end of an era. I can always do without Ben Affleck, but he didn't complete ruin it for me.
8. Pirate Radio-- This movie made my heart sing from the beginning to the last. It's very existence makes the world a happier place to be.
7. The Proposal-- Don't judge me. I liked it! Ryan Reynolds is sexy and Sandra Bullock is hilarious. There were some stupid parts of the movie, but throughout the summer if friends wanted to go to a movie, the majority of the crowd would say, "I haven't seen The Proposal!" And normally, I try to steer people to another movie if I've already seen it--but I managed to see this movie at least 3 times--and it just got funnier every time.
6. 500 Days of Summer--It was refreshing to see a chick flick from a guy's perspective. Guys have such confidence about their love stories. It's such a lovely contrast from the "I hope he likes me!" to the "Of course she loves me! Doesn't she?" Refreshing and delightful. And about half my guy friends felt very close to Joseph Gordon-Levitt after this movie. The girls loved Zooey Deschanel, while secretly loathing her.
5. Inglourious Basterds--Oh. My. My heart. My heart!! It was incredible. In anticipation for the violence I expected from Mr. Tarantino, I spent the movie just cowering--waiting for the axe to fall. The performances, the story, everything was deliciously flawless.
4. Precious--The story isn't happy, but the reflections of life and the performances were so filled with integrity and true humanity that I can't help but applaud this beautiful movie. What a beautiful reminder that life--all life--is worthy of our respect. And everyone's story--when told with humility and truth--has an indefinable magic. The movie was a perfect reflection of raw humanity.
3. The Fantastic Mr. Fox--I laughed so hard!! That's all. It was just funny. and that's enough!
2. Up--It made me happy! Weren't you happier for this movie? Talking dogs? That's HIlarious!
1. The Hurt Locker--No words. Just watch it. From callousness to pure heart. This movie swings your emotions from fire to ice. I couldn't laugh or cry. I could barely breathe. It was an incredible reflection of the war in Iraq--and of the war that rages in all of us. How do you know who to save--who to trust? What is winning anyway? Soooo gooood.
and because I don't want to rewrite this list to start at higher numbers--I have to say that
1a. Up in the Air--You've all read the review. Go see it. I feel a closeness to George Clooney's character. I loved that they finally wrote a movie that reflects the transitory feel of life in these United States right now. Everything really is up in the air right now. And where is home exactly?
and 7a. Sherlock Holmes--I love Robert Downey Jr. And I love Jude Law. Nuff Said.
and 8a. Julie and Julia--I could do without Julie. But I love me some Julia!
As for best performances: Mo'Nique, Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, Christoph Waltz in The Inglorious Basterds, Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Pirate Radio, and Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock for piling in charming, subtle, and touching performances throughout the year.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Here we are. We're missing Matty and of course Jack.
Jayson, Kim, Konner, Kelli, Nick and me. It was a great time growing up with these wonderful people. It's so good to see everyone--even if it is only once a year.
This is my mom's brother Tom and his lovely wife Susan. My Uncle Tom is a pilot and Susan is a beautiful singer.
Here's my cousin Sharon and her new boyfriend Jeff. We all really like Jeff. He got along with everyone really well at dinner. And he eats a lot! This pleased my grandma who made two pecan pies, layered jello, a giant prime rib, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, green beans, brocolli and cauliflower, red velvet cake with cream cheese and coconut icing, so. much. good. food!!!!
Kelli is the eldest of our clan. She is the head of the kitchen at the hospital in Logan. She has been there for at least 10 years. She's wonderful at her job. She helps Kim raise our cutie pie nephew.
This is my brother Jayson. He owns his own company and just recently built a HUGE house in Lehi. He's just a teensy bit awesome. Such a good guy! And only 27!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I have a stack of clothes piled up next to the suitcase.
I have charged my phone.
The bills are ready to go out in the mailbox.
My boots are currently defrosting next to the little space heater.
And my flight leaves in about 7 hours.
I should probably buy new nylons since mine have rips in them--but I'm going to wear them with knee high boots, so it doesn't REALLY matter.
I'm racking my brain trying to think I've forgotten anything. I hope not!
I should probably go shower now.
I bequeath the rest of the oatmeal cookies and the leftover roast to my dear roommate Sade.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
"Traffic was treacherous and growing worse by the hour. Prince George's County Executive Jack Johnson (D) declared a state of emergency and said that police would be stopping motorists and "requiring" them to return home because authorities were spending too much time rescuing stranded drivers. "
Isn't it purty!?!
We're trapped like little rats!
The roads are covered in 2 feet of snow.
And it keeps coming!
Angelina is making gumbo.
I'm wrapping presents.
Sarah is addressing Christmas cards.
And so far I've enjoyed two bowls of Peanut Butter Crunch.
I wonder if they're gonna cancel church tomorrow!!
We've been listening to Christmas music all day long.
Right now we're listening to "Christmas Is All Around" by Billy Mack.
Oh Christmas Snow, you are so lovely to me!
Remember the deck last night? If not--look here.
Well Good Morning World!
There are times where I don't really feel like this is the best idea.
Today was definitely one of those times.
Please enjoy the latest message. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a form letter that he sends to all the girls, considering the things that he says. You'd think I was parading around in a bikini instead of just smiling.
Enjoy the craziness!
I LIKE TO DO THIS TO IN A WAY BREAK THE ICE!!
WOW DAM HOLLY COW
YOU ARE ONE FINE LADY
DAM YOU HAVE GOT ONE INCRATABLE TOTLE PACKAIGE
YOU GOT IT GOING ON
HOW ARE OYU?
WOW DANG LOOKING GOOD!!!
i am just injoying life
i am a very blunt & honst person,!!!!!
SO HOW IS YOUR WEEK GOING??
SO DO YOU LIKE BEING SINGLE??
SO OLDEST PERSON YOU DATED?
YOUNGEST PERSON YOU DATED??
HAVE YOU EVER DATED ANY ONE THAT YOU MET ON LINE??
(a friend that hear wont me to ask you ) SO ARE YOU BY CHANCE ALL NATERAL?????
so if you got any question you would like to ask me ask away!YOU WILL GET A ANCER TO ANY OF THEM
I AM A VERY BLUNT & HONEST PERSON
SO IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU WILL GET A BLUNT & HONEST ANCER
Don't you wish you were me? What a charming greeting! I hope you "injoyed" it as much I did.
Friday, December 18, 2009
The snow is falling and everyone on the Eastern Seaboard is going a little crazy.
I have no intention of driving in the snow,
but still . . .
It's kind of hilarious.
We have an inch of snow of the ground and all the schools are closed.
(on Saturday--so does it really count?)
In an effort to prepare for the storm of the century (see above picture for evidence),
I went to the store and stocked up on the essentials:
birthday cake ice cream
peanut butter crunch cereal
stove top stuffing
and of course. . .
(cause it's tasty.)
As I watch the snow flutter down, I'm reminded of King Lear's immortal words:
You cataracts and Hurrincanoes, spout
Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd our cocks!"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I'm done with my college composition class.
So. much. writing. to. grade.
I returned journals, narratives, and research papers today.
I graded journals, narratives, and research papers until 3am and this morning at 7am until finally running off to class at 9am.
To reward myself, I went to Disney's The Princess and the Frog.
It was lovely, but I was so tired. I sat contentedly in my comfortable seat, wrapped in my green pea coat. And smiled with relief that my composition class was finished. And smiled with joy to be watching a cute Disney musical. And then, I fell asleep.
I woke up to see the ending. And I giggled at the funny trumpet playing crocodile. And I vaguely caught a lesson about choosing love and career.
Cute movie. Happy day. It's almost 6pm. Can I go to bed now?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Granted, it was Friday afternoon, and flying out might have been expensive--but ooooh, if you get the chance to see it again, please do.
It's worth every dime.
I walked in wearing jeans, (because I wasn't planning on going!) I found a seat at the back. I relaxed in my seat and watched a combined ward choir sing "The First Noel". It was beautiful.
Then President Nixon (the stake president--not the dead ex-president) told a beautiful Christmas story that made me tear up.
After that, the Mount Vernon Stake Bell Choir got up to do "Hard the Herald Angels Sing". The bell carolers were all dressed in black. They had beautiful white gloves and each of the carolers had bells of different sizes for the varying pitch.
And this little boy on the back row of the pews, just 4 rows in front of me, solemnly climbed on top of his chair.
He straightened himself and raised his little 4 year old arms--conscious of the great responsibility that he carried in conducting the performance. As the bell carol began, he waved his arms with more gusto than Amadeus himself. His little arms swung out and in and his father held his chair to be sure that he didn't accidentally tumble down from his chair. At the end of the phrases, the bell carolers would shake their bells and you could see his chubby little hands ringing out his imaginary bells.
If he got lost in the music, his head would wave and his arms would hesitate, until the choir returned to a rocking rhythm and then he would swing his arms to the beat, wide and far. He fairly jumped with the bells.
At the end of the song, the audience burst into spontaneous applause. And I thought I saw the little boy take the slightest bow.
Everyone who was privileged to sit in the Chapel Overflow had the best seat in the room. I looked around at all the smiles as we tried to hold in our laughter at this little conductor extraordinaire. It was so cute. And so wonderful.
Friday, December 11, 2009
and this is the week to make lists.
So here's a list.
1) I got angry this week because I realized that I hadn't taken my own past abuse as seriously as I should have.
2) I became angry with my abuser(s).
3) Then I realized that my self-destructive behaviors are self-abusive. Hence self-destructive.
4) Then I became angry at myself.
5) I'm angry at the people who have hurt me, but more than that--I'm angry at myself for using the memory of that to justify making decisions that aren't in my best interest.
Why can't I love myself enough to take care of myself?
Why do I get so mad at others for not loving me?
It's so clichee. I need to learn to love myself.
I think highly of myself, but I don't act with love towards myself.
I need to act with love towards myself.
I don't even care if I never have a relationship at this point. I'm so scared that I'm going to be drawn to other abusive men. I need to figure out how to fulfill my own needs so that I don't inadvertently end up falling for a man who will hurt me.
Oh the joy.
I am sure all this seems obvious, but it isn't always.
To simplify the lessons:
1) Love myself better.
2) No guys until I figure that out.
3) Allow the anger to motivate. Anger is energy. and righteous anger can motivate righteous actions.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
1) When a speaker says, "As we all know blah blah blah. . ."
We don't "all know". I hate this. This is the surest way to make new members and first time visitors feel alienated in a church meeting. My favorite speakers are those who present gospel stories as though they're telling them for the first time, because for someone in the audience--it is the first time they've heard of the story of Jonah and the Whale or they've heard the concept of Repentance.
2) I hate it when mormons speak in abbreviations--assuming that everyone in the room understands the translations for their abbreviations. When addressing a crowd--use the full name of things. Say Family Home Evening--not FHE. Say Doctrine and Covenants. D&C is a sad operation. I know it's awfully fun to be in the know, but it drives me crazy.
Frankly, government workers do the same thing. I was at a party where a bunch of people work in intelligence were talking and they talked about the IC, the DOD, the FBI, the CIA, the GI, etc. etc. I was completely lost.
3) I hate it when people ask a guy, "Where did you go on your mission?" This places the guy in an awkward situation. What if they didn't go? It's much better to take two seconds and say, "Did you go on a mission?" (Although this might be just as bad.) I guess what makes it better is that there isn't this implied judgment of "everyone went on a mission! Where did you go?" At least if you ask "Did you go?" it erases the notion that everyone and anyone went.
4) I hate the idea that life is somehow formulaic. If I do a and b--I will get c. If the test was that easy, we'd all ace it. This life is a test, a trial. There are wonderful people who do a, b, c and d--and they still have horrible things happen to them.
Which brings me to my next point:
5) We are not all created equally. We are not all taking the same test. There is a tendency to judge everyone equally, as though everyone in the world has the same opportunities for good and evil as everyone else. This is a horrible lie. Some of us are very fortunate and others are very unfortunate. To assume that everyone has the same opportunity for success is a horrible lie and an excuse to be judgmental and uncharitable. "If they wanted to have a good life, they could work for it like I did!"
Which leads me to my next point:
6) I can believe in the attributes of self-sufficiency AND still be a Democrat. While I understand that self-government is a worthwhile goal, I recognize that the reality of this world is that not everyone is in a position to be able to govern and help themselves.
7) Being Frugal is of less importance than being Honest. Saving a dollar doesn't justify cheating your neighbor out of their wares.
8) I have heard, but never seen (I say this with joy because I'm hoping this is a very uncommon occurrence) that there are women who are unable to leave their children with their husbands. What???? Not. Cool.
9) I hate it when a Sunday School teacher brushes over a lesson, saying "We've heard this lesson a thousand times. . . " and then brings in crazy outside quotes and complicates a simple, beautiful doctrine. Sometimes I just want to sit back and feel the Spirit comfort me and remind me of the truthfulness of a doctrine I've heard "a thousand times" before. Don't demean the simple truths. They are timeless and eternal.
10) I hate it when people misrepresent themselves. For example: They say they know something when they don't. By acknowledging your lack of wisdom--you could have opened up a wonderful teaching opportunity and helped a shyer student to learn something new as well. Another example: Saying what you think someone wants to hear, instead of expressing your true opinion on a matter. Misrepresentation is dishonesty. If we are to truly love one another--then we should know one another, warts and all.
These misgivings are found in all communities. It isn't just the mormon world that does this stuff. We all have a tendency to use terms that alienate people, or to act differently in order to make people think we're something we're not.
I'm just throwing out my two cents.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
So to start this list of random things about myself--
1) When trying to make a point, I have a tendency to overdo it and I run my mouth off forever.
2) I have horrible fingernails. And I suppose I should care about this . . .
3) I love Milli Vanilli.
4) I prefer Diet Coke because if I wanted sugary soda, I'd down a tasty Rootbeer.
5) I fear boredom.
6) I miss having goals. (This will be a whole blog so I'll just leave it at that.)
7) I'm horrible with money. HORRIBLE. I have a suicidal view of money. I basically live with this horrible premise in the back of my mind, "Who cares! You're gonna die someday anyway, why not spend money while you can!" Like I said, it's subconcious so it doesn't rear its head quite high enough to cause me pause.
8) I believe that people are smart. I hate when people act dumb in order to get something that they want. It might work, but it demeans the human race. And I will probably never respect you again.
9) I don't hold grudges, but I do move on. To elaborate: I will forgive people, but in order to avoid a repeat of past offenses, I will be less likely to be around. This is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because I look after myself--it's bad because it doesn't always feel like true forgiveness.
10) I hate making my bed. I will never like it.
11) I love singing to the radio. The feeling of singing soothes me.
12) I am not a good mormon. I believe in the church, but I am not good at being a mormon. Case in point: I enjoy a well placed swear word. I watch rated-R movies on occassion. I go visiting teaching every other month. I did not watch the Christmas broadcast last night. I don't refer to french kissing as soul kissing, and I like it. Although I think a guy who can give a great closed mouth kiss is AWESOME. (And he's usually much better at "soul kissing" than the guy who can't wait to open his mouth.)
13) I am a good latter-day saint in that--I pray hard for my friends with faith. I do my best to mourn with those that mourn. I believe in the power of prayer. I do my best to see the best in people and to understand their true intentions. I believe that most people are trying their best and I try hard not to take offense where none is given.
14) I did not do my hair at all today. I didn't even brush it out. It is in a wet bun.
I am trying to think of other interesting random things to write, but I think that about covers it.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Christmas in NYC. We were lucky enough to get there in time to see the first snowfall of the season flutter down on the city. It was perfect.
The show itself was trippy. And awesome. My favorite bit was the dancing bears. Giant stuffed bears doing ballet. The toy soldiers were incredible. During the live nativity--there were camels walking across the stage on their way to see baby Jesus. Camels. Live. Camels.
And dancing Santas.
And flying children.
It was a little trippy.
Like Disneyland in 90 minutes.
I thought I saw a sign that said no photography, but the whole place lit up with flashes during the whole show. It didn't stop me from cringing every time someone took pictures. I feel a little pretentious not just relaxing and going with the flow. It was more like a ride than a show.
Before the show, we had a very nice meal at Capital Grille. I had the peppercorn steak poivre with the creamy brandy sauce. Heaven.
After going to church in Brooklyn, we went to lunch at Fulton Market with my friend Marybeth. Marybeth lives in Queens and she has an open room. She has an open room.
I have a week to make a decision.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I told my landlord that I was moving in March/April.
I love my house, but this upcoming contract has forced me to take a good hard look at what I want and need in life right now.
soooooo, I'm gonna move.
I love my house, but I've been here for over 2 years. And that's long enough.
I need a change.
I'm not growing. I've got to change.
So here are my options:
1) Move to an apartment in Arlington (closer to the city) with different amenities.
2) Move to New York.
3) Move to another city.
If anyone who reads this blog would like to move into the house, we're looking for residents to take over. It's a great house, but I just need a change of scenery.
Call me a glutton for punishment. I should just enjoy being here, but I can't.
I need to embrace the fact that I am single. I am single and not tied down anywhere. So I need to enjoy that.
A couple of weeks ago Addison on Private Practice talked about how no one would care if she died. She said that people would care, but it wouldn't destroy anyone. I understand that speech. I know people love me, but I can come and go and it doesn't really affect anyone else in the world.
I can be depressed about this, or I can exercise the freedom behind this predicament--and run away. I can run away to wherever I please.
In an effort to make the best out of a depressing predicament, I am going to investigate all the lovely places in the world I can gallop off to--and I fully intend to gallop come March 1st.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
BUT. . . despite all this. . .
classes have been going very well.
This morning I introduced descriptive rhetorical tools that they could use in their writing. We read some poetry, a short story, and an essay--all while pointing out the different rhetorical tools the writer used to make their points.
Then, I had them write about a dark moment in their life and the turning point that made everything better. The students immediately began to scribble their work. After working on their pieces, I invited them to share their work outloud. It was so uplifting.
One girl's story was about her broken transmission. Another student told about his first years in the US and how difficult it was not speaking English. Then he shared how wonderful it was to finally learn the language!
One student talked about being homeless and a kind nurse who offered to let her take a shower and the hope she found when she finally got a job and decided to stop using drugs. One girl talked about living in Foster care and the day she fell in love and started her own family at the County Courthouse with her love.
One girl talked about how starting college has given her hope for her future. She didn't describe her darkest moment--it was clear that she was in the middle of dark times, but she lit up as she spoke of the things she would do when she finished school.
And last but not least--dear Dominic shared a poetic picture of falling deeper and deeper into a pit and seeing a fleeting light. He talked of grabbing hold of the light and letting it guide him out of the pit. Once again, it was clear that he was in the pit at this very moment. But as we heard his story and watched him smile, we could all sense his light.
I don't know why there is so much pain in the world. I don't know why there is so much darkness.
We discussed the happy consequences of these dark times. Because of our pain, we are better empathizers. We notice the woman using the calculator at the grocery store. We notice the kid sitting on the sidewalk. We are empowered with empathy and intuition and we are bound to do our best to make the world a better place.
I believe that people who have truly suffered are better able to heal the world. And those who haven't, just don't get it. Don't hate them--they can't be held accountable for things that they haven't learned. But for those of us who understand, we are bound by our experience and our empathy to do everything we can to make the world a better place. Please let us help. It almost makes past suffering worth the pain if we can help out those who are currently in need.
I have friends and students who are truly suffering this holiday season. My heart breaks for you. And I want so much to take away your pain. I offer my prayers and my love. I wish I could give more.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I should be asleep--but I slept in for a very long time. And now, even though I've taken Nyquil--I'm still awake.
I am thinking about canceling class tomorrow night, but I think I'll be fine tomorrow night. (And it takes so much energy to send emails out to all the students.)
Yesterday Bri came up to visit. She was supposed to be there at 3pm, but at 10am, I got a phone call saying, "I'm in the parking lot!" (She woke up early. Who does that??)
I still felt sick, but I was so happy to see her!
We had such a wonderful day. We went to the movies, to dinner, and we hit two clubs. It was so great to just be out and about. I wore a red dress, knee high boots, a jean jacket, and black leggings. I felt splendid! And Bri is gorgeous. It was very nice because neither one of us were out to meet anybody, we just wanted to go out and dance. Period. Guys were scoping us out, and one even offered to buy us both drinks--but we were both there to just enjoy the music and enjoy being alive, without worrying about what anybody thought of us.
I loved our talks. I just love her. I felt like she understood everything I've been feeling lately. We were able to vent and have fun at the same time. Being with her yesterday, I felt myself breathe a giant sigh. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out if I should stay in DC or not. I feel like wherever I go, it will be the same everywhere. I feel this need to find more joy in DC. And I feel like yesterday, I did just that. We started off at K Street Lounge. It was nice, but a little too pretentious. For some odd reason, everyone was dressed in black and white. (I totally missed that memo.) And rather than dancing, they posed. Glass in one hand, cock the hip, throw the look. And switch hands, cock the hip, wave the pinky. This was not my favorite dance. So we left!
We walked down the street to the Tattoo Bar. It was great! No cover charge! The DJ was fabulous. He mixed great old school music with today's top 40. Some people were in jeans, some were in great formal clubwear. Everyone was relaxed and having a great time. We're definitely going back.
We got home late and I fell into bed at about 3am. (Clearly, this is not a "how to get over the common cold" blog.)
I woke up this morning feeling horribly sick. But, (pardon my corny clichee) emotionally, it was just what the doctor ordered. :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
It's amazing how life twists and turns so that you can have these amazing experiences with so many wonderful people.
It's incredibly moving to think back on all the lives I've had the privilege to be a part of.
I am so grateful for all the people in my life.
Here's a brief list of things that come to mind right now:
lunch on the terrace with CJ
driving through Manhattan with Mikey
laughing with Mom and Dad
Notes from Sadey
Acting with Lesley
Singing with Dad and Matt
Comforting texts from Crystal
Driving with Clay
Sharing books and music with Marcia
Planning Reunions with the Sistahs
Sending packages to Angelina
Reading my students' journals
Watching toddlers' run at the Follmers
Comments from wonderful friends!
I could go on and on. I think of specific little examples of how you and you have sent me a message at the perfect time. Words can't describe how important the little things are in life.
I wish I could be more than I am--but it's comforting to know that I am loved in spite of all my weaknesses.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for late nights in prayer when I get to feel the love of God.
And I'm grateful for late nights when I get to pass that love on to others.
That is what life is all about.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I'm too sick to infect others with my infectiousness.
So tomorrow my plan is to sleep, watch hulu, sleep, make some lentil soup, sleep.
And try and not be really sad that I can't go to CJ's for Turkey.
I went to work today which probably wasn't a great idea--but I wasn't sure it was that bad. I tried to stay away from everyone. I honestly don't feel too bad, until I try to stand up and then I get all woozy and dizzy.
Perhaps I could just blog a lot tomorrow!
That's it! I'll spend the day in pj's writing random thoughts that come into my mind!
Or I could reread Harry Potter! Or I could have a strange dream about falling asleep in a stranger's house. (That was last night's dream.) I had this overwhelming desire to sleep on the floor of a guy I barely know. I snuck in and fell asleep in the hallway. When I heard him pull into the drive way, I hid in the closet and prayed that he wouldn't find me. I just wanted to sleep in his house! (If anyone out there would care to interpret this dream--I'm all ears!)
I'm betting that you're all off having fun today and tomorrow though and that you're too busy to blog. Well good for you!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday and that you eat a lot of pie and turkey.
(Sobs softly to herself through her stuffed nose.. . . .)
It's very strange though. I'm not depressed, but I'm sick.
Physical illness is heaven compared to depression!!
I went to teach tonight, and I felt the headache settle in. I can feel my sinuses becoming stuffed. I feel my joints stiffen and I am breathing in a bit of a fever--but other than physical pain--life is great! I feel wonderful!
I went to New Moon last night. It was a fantastic moviegoing experience. There were about 30 people in the theatre. About 3 were men. The rest were women over 30. With every kiss, someone would start to giggle--then the giggles would spread like wild fire. It cracked me up!
By the end of the movie, I was so happy to have had this wonderfully fun experience.
I should go to bed. I need to be better by Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 23, 2009
I'm beginning to understand the freedom and the power that comes in being inconvenient.
Last night a guy wanted to go out with me. It's sad how my brain works, (or heart rather), but all I could think of was--"Really! That's swell!" I should have been thinking--"No Eve! He's totally horrible! No Eve--remember how he treated you last time! Remember how you haven't heard from him in a week!"
A part of my brain was working and I didn't respond to his invite. As I prepared to go and see the Young Women sing in a youth fireside--I told my roommate that I was not going to put on make-up or brush my hair so that I wouldn't go and see this guy after the fireside. Ugliness is a great preserver of virtue.
But during the fireside--he sent about 10 text messages. His neediness was incredibly tempting.
So I wrote back.
I said that I would meet him under certain conditions. I expressed them clearly. He said he was coming over.
I came home. I put make-up on, etc. But I didn't leave the house.
He kept texting me, trying to get me to renig on my conditions.
And I didn't.
He never came over.
I got my way! I laid down the law and I won! I did not change my conditions so that it would be more convenient for him. I was utterly inconvenient and completely unavailable except on terms that I set down.
I feel empowered and lighter today.
So today my brother wants me to fly out to see his show this weekend. My first thought is--"How much are tickets to Iowa?" Then I remember all the times that he has inconvenienced himself for me. Oh yeah--never! And as much as I love him and as much as I'd love to see the show--I'm going to keep my Thanksgiving plans and if he wants to see me--he can inconvenience himself by giving me more than 3 days notice.
Feeling even better.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
and this is the gift I bought for myself last weekend when retail therapy seemed the best answer to a poopy week:
Monday, November 16, 2009
I have enjoyed this because it forces me to find positive things to write about--even when I haven't felt particularly positive. I've also tried to write more about feelings and less about the events.
I think all of us can relate to feelings and the purpose of writing these blogs is to discover and share in our shared humanity. So, I write about the feelings and I leave out the details of the events.
And usually when I find myself thrown face down in the proverbial mud, I try to bounce back pretty quickly. But right now, I just don't want to.
It's been a particularly difficult past couple of weeks.
I feel like I had to face all the things I'm very bad at--and I failed at all of them. I feel like I've had to look in the mirror at all of my fears about myself--and I can no longer convince myself that everything is fine. That I'm fine.
When I was in the 5th Grade, I felt like my friends didn't really want to be my friend--but that they pitied me somehow. Why would I feel this way? That's ridiculous! But sometimes these same feelings rise up inside of you--and 20 years later--the same insecurities rear their ugly head.
When I was 13, I had my first kiss. He and I have since become good friends, but that night I thought that a kiss meant that he liked me. I thought that it would translate into something new and fun. After kissing me, he told me not to tell anyone about it. Twenty years later, I find I'm still the girl that the guy wants to kiss secretly, but I'm not good enough for him to hold my hand in public.
When I was 20, I met a great guy and became wonderful friends with him. We did everything together. He wanted to share his dreams, his insecurities, his ambitions with me. But he never saw me as more than a friend. I was good enough to make him feel better about himself--but not good enough to love in return. And 10 years later, the pattern repeats itself again.
To see these patterns all repeat themselves within the course of a week--it's too much to bear. And it's difficult to convince yourself that it isn't you.
Something in me has to change. It has to change. But I don't know what.
My first step is to stop trying to fix things and just let myself exist. I just need to be for a bit.
If I can just exist for a little bit, I might find that healing sneaks in from out of the woodwork. I might find that when I let go and just stop trying that life itself can beautifully and miraculously bring elements of joy that carefully caress your heart and dispell all the angst and feelings of pain. With faith, existing can be almost proactive!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Chris Thile: If You're Gonna Leave Me (Set me up with one of your friends)
Seldom Scene: Lies (From the Once Soundtrack)
Ingrid Michaelson: Creep
Ingrid Michaelson: Be OK
Fiona Apple: Never is a Promise
Fiona Apple: The Way Things Are
King Curly: All I Want is Happiness
My Chemical Romance: This is How I Disappear
The Decembrists: The Bagman's Gambit
Ryan Adams: Come Pick Me Up
Amy Winehouse: My Tears Dry On Their Own
And most of the songs on Ingrid's album Everybody because it is perfection for a girl who is sick of everything and just wants to be ticked off today.
It's hard to do though when there are good friends who call and who listen and care.
Good emo music makes you feel less like a drama queen though. It's good for the soul to hear someone else sing out with emotion. It makes you feel less alone, less weird, less damaged somehow.
It gives you something to smile about. Weird isn't it? Listening to miserable music all day somehow makes things better.
The same stories may play themselves out over and over again--but at least I can sing out with great musicians as I scrub the kitchen in my pjs. (In between watching Bones and Grey's Anatomy on hulu of course!)
Oh this day just gets better and better . . .
I don't have the words for the craptasticness that abounds right now.
I officially hate my life right now.
No more Polly McPositive. She has gone to live somewhere else.
Allow me to introduce you to Ula the Unhappy, Molly the Melancholy, Patty the Pissed, or Tina the Ticked.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I stopped writing in a journal because I felt myself writing the same story over and over again.
Eve likes a boy. Eve dates a boy. Boy only wants to be friends.
End of story.
Repeat story ad nauseum.
So today, I woke up. I had a good cry. I took a long shower. And I got ready for the day.
I need to feel pretty today. I need to be needed as more than just a mentor, a good listener, a funny friend, or a way to meet other hotter women. I want to be more than a means to an end.
It's refreshing to finally know where things are really at--but it still sucks to know that someone knows you so well--and they would still rather find someone else to be with.
Sometimes life just sucks.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Men choose careers based on how they believe others will see them. How many guys do you know look at being a lawyer because it seems like a good profession--even if they have no interest in the law at all? When you look at what a lawyer does--it seems so incredibly boring! Who would choose it?! But people do all the time--and it's because they think they will be more attractive to the opposite sex.
Women hate their bodies because they don't look like supermodels. But when I think about it--what's the fun in grabbing at a bony body? It just seems so . . . crunchy. I might not look as good in a mini-skirt--but I like my soft body. And I think guys do too.
Girls appreciate a guy who chooses to do something because he loves it. If a guy is passionate about science, and he chooses to teach high school chemistry--that is very attractive! Sure, he'll never make much money. But, he'll be home and he'll be happy!
Guys appreciate a girl who loves her body. All women are beautiful. All women. We were created to be the fairer sex, and no matter what we might think about ourselves--we are beautiful creatures and we should act like it. I'm sure guys appreciate it when girls can feel their own inner beauty and they (the guys) don't have to constantly remind the girls of how beautiful they are.
I'm always shocked when a guy thinks his self-worth is tied up in his career. I wonder if guys feel the same way about women who think they're ugly because they put on a few pounds. Probably. (I hope so.)
I went out with a lawyer last night who was very nice, but he sure thought a lot of himself. He was a high powered attorney and he had a huge ego. I had fun, but he wasn't nearly as funny as other guys I've been out with. But because of his job, he thought very highly of himself. I'm sure that very beautiful women often feel like they don't have to be as interesting because their looks make up for their lack in personality.
I don't agree with that. Having a great body, or having a great job is no excuse for not being interesting. Read a book. Read an article. Show interest in the other person's thoughts.
And for you guys who are wondering if you should become a doctor or work as a UPS delivery guy--if you love your shorts and the fact that you spend your days walking and greeting people--be the UPS delivery guy! Those shorts are hot!
And that's how Evey sees it.
PS: The lawyer was incredibly nice and this isn't to disparage him at all. I had a great time!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Joel Edgerton (Stanley Kowalski), Cate Blanchett (Blanche Dubois) and Robin McLeavyin (Stella) a scene from the Sydney Theatre Company production of Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire.
Saturday afternoon, I got to sit in the Kennedy Center and witness an amazing performance. From start to finish, Ms. Blanchette was infused with energy. Every part of her trembled with life. I adored Robin McLeavyin's Stella as well. She was the perfect foil to Blanche. And Edgerton's Stanley was the perfect mixture of shame, passion, and power. I understood his rages, and I understood why Stella returned to him. I had to scream at myself in my head--"It's wrong!" But I wanted them to be together, despite all the horrible craziness. It wasn't until the end that I realized that Blanche might be the most sane one of them all. She just lived in a crazy world.
The whole show took me on a crazy ride.
I am so happy I got to see this production.
I was particularly fond of Blanche's gentleman caller Mitch, played by Tim Richards. He was a perfect representation of the kindness and gentility that Blanche had been hoping for in a man her whole life.
The whole story broke my heart.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
This is Elliott Jacobsen. The drummer! He was so nice. And very funny. He told us all about life on tour. I hope someday that our paths cross again and we become wonderful friends.
The guy in the light--whose face you really can't see--is Dan Romer. He produced the album
Chris Kuffner is one I never got a pic of. Don't ask me why!! He's wonderful! And I feel ashamed because he's the only one I don't have a pic of.