Monday, November 29, 2010


Sunshine came to visit me while snow fell on the rest of the world.

I can't even tell you how much I love this girl.

We have been the best of friends eversince we were 14 years old, eating green sherbet ice cream, mooning over Robert Downey, Jr. as he seduced Cybil Shepherd in "Chances Are". The visit was short and sweet, but so wonderful. Somehow she makes everything better. We can joke about the sad state of our lives and by virtue of the fact that we're laughing--everything just seems so much easier.

And she was my first house guest to see the unpacked apartment! I still need to hang a couple of pictures, but other than that--everything is put away!

The snow outside is too beautiful for words.

I am blissfully content right now. It's more than I deserve that's for sure, but I'm not gonna complain.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving Week

This is the first year I've been with family in ages on Thanksgiving. I've had a wonderful time either having huge feasts, or enjoying a beautiful laid back day with friends. I was trying to figure out what Bri and I did last year--since she and I have spent the holiday together for the past few years--and I realized that last year I was sicker than a dog! I was alone on Thanksgiving last year!

This year, I moved my stuff from my grandma's house to my new apartment in SLC in the morning, enjoyed a feast at my Aunt and Uncle's house during the afternoon, and then watched Harry Potter with my brother and step-dad that night.

My wonderful family helped me move all of my crapola into my new apartment.

For the first time since February, I have all of my clothes hanging up and available to me. I have all of my stuff out of boxes. I am sleeping in my own bed. I am giddy. I might have to work 3 jobs, but having a home--my very own place to relax and just be--this is too good to be true. Words cannot describe how lovely it is just relaxing in my own bed, playing my music, and did I mention--I'm no longer living out of a suitcase!!

Currently, I have a giant pile of books in the middle of the living room. I have to figure out how I'm going to fit all the books into two book shelves. I'm going to need to get creative.

I am grateful. Very very grateful. Happy Thanksgiving all!

Saturday, November 20, 2010


I had a great conversation with a friend the other day. I figured out some truths about myself and I don't want to forget them, so I'm gonna blog.

For years, I was the best friend. I had a few friends that I hung out with all the time. For a year, there was Randy. We walked to classes together, worked together, and after he went out on his dates, he would come over and we would watch movies together and laugh about the date. This went on for a year. I fell for him, and he only wanted to be friends.

This pattern repeated over the years.

The problem with this, is that the relationships were wonderful--except that there was no reciprocated physical attraction. And so I naturally felt I was seriously lacking in this area.

Because I am deathly afraid of repeating these kinds of heart aches, I now jump into the physical side of a relationship too quickly. But I can't stomach the idea of investing time into a relationship that will just turn out to be a very good friendship. It's much easier to establish whether there is a physical connection right off the bat.

But this isn't solving anything.

I realized the other day the common link between both of these dating strategies.

In both cases--I am upset because I go unclaimed.

I may be the best friend that you talk to about all your problems--but you're still not going to introduce me as your girlfriend to your friends.

I may be the best kisser you've ever had, but you're still not going to introduce me as your girlfriend to your friends.

I go unclaimed. I am used. I am used as a sounding board and a therapist. But the guy will always make sure that his obligations are sufficiently limited.

This is a problem. I hate being alone. I allow these things to happen--both the "just friends" thing and the non-commital make-out stuff because it's nice to pretend that it might be real. It's less lonely that way. But if I don't stop allowing myself to be used up and walked on, I really will end up alone forever.

Mainly because I absolutely don't trust that any man would ever choose to take care of my heart and NOT use me. I have lost my faith in men.

I would like to regain my faith in men. And that means acting as though there are good men who will reciprocate in a relationship and who would be happy to guide me into a party and who aren't thinking, "I'd better keep this hush hush just in case someone better comes along." If I believe that a guy like that exists, then I will stop acting as though my only choices are jerks or loneliness.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Being an Actor! (said with a haughty accent)

I start my new job tomorrow.

This week has been incredibly busy, and incredibly fulfilling.

I forgot how much I love acting. There's a reason I have 3 degrees in this stuff--and it's not just because I'm a total glutton and wanted to acquire massive amounts of debt for a profession that doesn't pay anything.

We opened One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It was a little rocky at the beginning of the week with the tech--or absence of tech. There are a lot of technical things about the show--music cues, bells and whistles that have to be there--and the director decided that it was more important to "get used to running the show at 7" then it was to have a tech rehearsal. I thought I would die. So there were some really big technical glitches on the preview night. It was a bit heartbreaking.

But then things came together. I might have yelled at the director just a teensy bit. I felt like he kind of just stopped directing this week--when he was supposed to be pulling all of the elements together. I won't go into details--but trust me I was completely justified. There was an absolutely integral lighting cue that was missed two nights in a row--and it was missed the second night because the director was lazy and didn't talk to the lighting guy about it!! So I gave him a piece of my mind.

And the rest of the week went so well. I love doing this show. I love the concentration and the stillness I have to find in playing such a cold bitch! It's just really wonderful. I love the power that a beautiful story has on a community of actors and audience members.

Last night one of the actors paid me a beautiful compliment. I can't remember it, something about me being an awesome actress--but it made me feel so good.

So I'm going to get new headshots and get with an agency. This show has been wonderful because I've met so many working actors who are showing me how to break into the Utah scene.

Come see the show. It's funny and touching. I'm really proud of it.

Come see it!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


I think the doctrine of gratitude is deceptively simple.

We hear sayings like, "Attitude of gratitude" and it just doesn't seem like a deliciously deep doctrine.

But I believe that it is a rich doctrine.

Gratitude requires a shift of focus. It is an action that reflects our faith and hope.

I love reading everyone's twankful tweets and facebook posts. I don't know why I don't jump on the bandwagon, except that often the things I'm grateful for are inappropriate to post on facebook. For example, "I'm grateful that my boss was mean to me today because it will make it soo much easier to quit!" These aren't things that I should put out there on facebook. I put it here because no one at work reads this bloggy.

But in the spirit of gratitude and recognition, I'm going to post about the things I'm grateful for.

I've had a bit of a hard time. It's long and complicated.

Last week, I felt an outpouring of love and support from friends. I had three different people tell me that they had put my name on the prayer roll at the temple.

I've been in a fog about my future and for that matter, my present. I basically just tell myself to work hard everyday and somehow things will work out. But I don't have the clarity to sit down and work out a plan. Making a plan forces me to look at my life which is just depressing. So I work very hard and I try to accomplish one day at a time.

This weekend, I went home to visit my parents. My mom forced me to look at my bills. She forced me to calculate interest I was paying. I took a long look at how much money I would need to move into an apartment. I made a plan. She and my step-dad generously cut me a check to pay off a couple of high interest debts so that I could just pay them back monthly and save myself 7 extra months of payments.

I found an apartment that is perfect for my needs. Remember my dream of having a little apartment? Yep. Found it! The price is perfect and the deposit is practically nothing.

I'm being considered for two jobs at a great company that would allow me to use my education, while working remotely--which would allow me to travel. And it would pay the bills and provide health insurance.

In the meantime, I found a full-time position at another company so that I can move into my new apartment. It's not a great job--but it's full-time and after 60 days, it has benefits.

And I have a show opening tonight!

I am overwhelmed by the love my Heavenly Father continues to show for me despite all my shortcomings. I am incredibly grateful for unselfish friends who despite their own problems take the time to sincerely care for me. I am truly blessed. Thank you Thank you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Section 93

Pardon me--I'm going to get a teensy bit analytical.

I have been reading the Doctrine and Covenants in my personal scripture study. My favorite section has always been Section 93. I have found it be somewhat fragmented. It's as though the Lord is jumping to and from different unrelated topics. I realized this morning that this is God's invitation to to struggling servants to return to righteousness.

Oh the timing couldn't be better...

So now, we delve.

It opens with: 1) Verily, thus saith the Lord: It shall come to pass that every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh until me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am.

It closes with: 53) And verily I say unto you, that it is my will that you should hasten to translate my scriptures , and to obtain a knowledge of history, and of countries, and of kingdoms, of laws of God and man, and all this for the salvation of Zion. Amen.

It starts with a promise and ends with a commandment.

But what is the context? Who is speaking to?

On the first page, John the Revelator reveals the nature of Christ's ascension--how did he grow in wisdom? It says that he created worlds, and that he "received not of the fulness at the first, but received grace for grace; And he received not of the fulness at first, but continued from grace to grace, until he received a fulness." (vs 12-13)

Then the Lord reveals who we are and how we can grow in the same manner.

He says, "Ye were also in the beginning with the Father; that which is Spirit, even the Spirit of truth." (v. 23)

So what is Spirit? "For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseperably connected receive a fulness of joy." (v. 33)

In other words, who we were in the very beginning of time is a part of our physical make up. It is ingrained in our DNA.

What is the Spirit of Truth? I believe the Father is the Spirit of Truth--and we are His Children. Truth is "knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come." v. 24

We receive a fullness of truth, and become like our Father, when we are obedient.

"He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truth and light, until he is glorified in truth and knoweth all things." v. 28.

And because we were in the beginning with God, we understand what is light and truth. For this reason, we are held accountable for our actions when we choose to do those things that are untrue. We lose our light. We lose the intelligence that could have come from obedience.

Obedience=light and truth.

We can choose whether to embrace those actions that would sanctify us and allow us to see the face of God--as the first verse promises. Or not.

The Lord shares this without berating or saying, "If you are disobedient I will stop loving you!" He simply shares the truth--you will lose the light that comes with acting in accordance with truth. And without that light--you can't do all the great things I need you to do.

Then the last page of the section comes in--and I've always thought this was completely unrelated. The Lord lists a bunch of people who just aren't cutting the mustard. He tells Frederick Williams that he's not teaching his children well; he tells Sidney Rigdon to set his house in order; he tells Joseph Smith that he hasn't kept a commandment; he says that Newel K. Whitney needs to be chastened. He lists all of these people who need to repent.

And then he closes by telling them all to get back to work. Go translate the scriptures! Preach the gospel!

In other words--you messed up--but things still need to get done. And I need you to get back to work.

So to recap:

It starts with a promise that the obedient can see God.
Then he tells about Christ.
Then he tells us how Christ progressed.
Then he tells us who we are.
And how we can progress.
Then he calls a bunch of people to repentance.
And then he tells people to get back to work.

To me, this is a beautiful example of how God is a loving parent who understands that we will mess up, and believes in our capacity to choose the right and get back on track. Someday, I will use this section as an outline for great parenting.

(By the way--there's soooo much more I could say about this section--but it would take days!) But just to whet your appetite--after reading this section, I'm convinced that we are created by our experiences. We aren't just passing time here--our experiences both good and bad shape us physically. The germ of our existence is light and truth. What the what?? My thighs, my hands--all of my parts are crafted by my experiences and by my actions. Interesting... Does this lend more weight to our physical selves or less? Isn't it interesting that despite one's physical appearance--there are some "ugly" people who appear to be utterly radiant to us? Yeah, I could go on for days...)

My Efforts at Writing a Novel

I signed up to write a novel during the month of November as a part of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I thought it would be an awesome way to spend November--cause I'm not opening a play or anything...

This is how far I got on Monday, November 1st.

The winds began to blow. To blow, what a funny idea. I picture an old man huffing and puffing at the top of the mountain. Then again, with the word “winds”—now I picture a group of people dressed in greek robes, dancing about blowing in long horns down the canyons—watching their handy breath zip through the trees. Whatever image this phrase conjures in your mind, just go with it. The fact remains, the winds began to blow.
When the winds blow the leaves fall. Here on this mountain, the leaves are dry and orange. Or rather, rust. In Virginia, the leaves suck up moisture throughout the summer and appear radiantly green, almost glowing. In Utah, the leaves cling to whatever shade of green nature and a sparse amount of water will confer on them. And in the fall, the Virginia leaves change to radiant shades of gold, red, orange, and violet. In Utah, the leaves turn to rust and then to dust. I enjoyed that little rhyme.
As the leaves fell across the driveway, I heard my grandmother scoot out the front door to tackle clearing the little invaders off of her clean white driveway. I threw on a bra and pair of shoes—(never you fear, the other clothes were happily hanging on my exhausted frame) and ran out to help her. Leaves are stubborn little monsters. They cling to the grass, the driveway, to the road.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Dream

I'm looking for a new job. I like my job at Rubios, but it's part time and I need full time with benefits if I'm going to be able to establish myself as a happy resident of planet Earth.

My dream is to live in a nice little apartment, furnished with leftover furnishings from my parents house. I will have beautiful music playing and plants living and dying throughout the little one bedroom domicile. Friends will be able to come over and play video games. (I've never owned a video game console--but I've decided that I want to get a wii.)

I will work at my new job and I'll work at Rubios part time. I will do a show whenever a show comes along that I really like. And I will be happy living my life.

Oh! And I will get a piano as soon as possible.

I would like to live in South Salt Lake or Murray. Somewhere really cheap and somewhere where I don't have to bother with parking passes or doing yardwork.

This is my dream.

I really need your prayers right now. I am sinking too fast to swim right now. I don't know what I'm allowed to hope for anymore. Everytime I think I've come up with a dream that I can work towards, that dream is snatched away.

I'm trying to keep my dreams simple and realistic. Is it too much to want to be able to have a place to go and relax with friends? I don't think so. I think that wanting a good full-time job where I'll be able to have a simple happy life is a dream worth pursuing. And I think that I'm worth that much.

Monday, November 1, 2010