Monday, January 31, 2011

A Long Happy Day

Today was a good day.

I didn't go to bed until 1 am. Not wise.

I got called this morning at 8:30am to sub for a class that started at 8:25am. Yikes! I threw on some clothes and ran to the school.

I was worried about the assignment. It was a middle school classroom of behaviorally challenged students. And they behaved like little angels! The teacher didn't leave any lesson plans, so we had to wing it. The kids were great. I had 5 different periods, but many of the same kids returned to the class throughout the day. I spent one hour playing hangman with the kids and other word games. The kids had fun coming up with their own hangman words to share. In one class, I had them describe what superpower they would choose. In another hour, I read to them the first 3 chapters of Ender's Game in an effort to get them interested in finishing the book after I left.

The principal came in and observed the class during the pre-algebra class. We were talking about different ways they could remember their times tables. You would think that in the 7th grade, they'd know their multiplication tables--but I noticed a lot of them were having troubles. So we were going through some difficult numbers together. The principal seemed pleased. The kids had a great time. And they learned!

It was really satisfying.

I worked on my taxes tonight. I messed up. I need to redo things tomorrow. It's so frustrating because I have to file in two states, and I have to use two different places in Virginia as home offices. It's a wee bit complicated to say the least.

After working on the taxes for 2 hours, I went to family home evening where I met some nice new people at church.

And now, I'm relaxing in front of the television. I might do my nails.

Tomorrow I have to pay the rent. That ain't gonna happen. But I'm still at peace. It will all work out. One really long day at a time.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday's birthday might have been the best in ages.

Gifts I received from either myself, God or a friend:

1. Cap'n Crunch with berries for breakfast. (and dinner)
2. Thai food for lunch with a new friend.
3. A new library card!
4. I finally got on anti-depressants!
5. I went to the dollar movie and saw Megamind.
6. I saw The Talented Tenth by Richard Wesley.
7. I get to do a great new show with Lonzo Liggins. We're just figuring things out right now, but it should be great!
8. A new tv! (free gift from friends whose friends are giving it away)

This is seriously one of the best birthdays ever!

I took a bunch of pictures at the Salt Lake Library yesterday to mark the beautiful day.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I give up

Life is such a funny thing.

I haven't blogged in a while because I'm working through a long contemplative place and really--you don't want to hear about it because it's rather boring.

I turn 33 tomorrow. I don't have much of a problem with getting older. I still look young. My friend Kris took headshots of me last week, and I look the same as always. Better probably. At church on Sunday, the relief society president asked me if I was old enough to be in the congregation, since it's for single people over 31. That was nice.
So aging isn't really that big of a deal. There is the whole biological clock worry. I worry that waiting to have kids might affect my chances of having them, but I figure if I was meant to have kids--then something would happen. And if not, then que sera.

I have a friend named Anna who I met while working on my MFA. When I met her, she was 34. She was stunning. Short red hair, a body to die for. She had this amazing ability to confidently move within any circle and make everyone feel respected and loved. As I got to know her, I found out that she had gone through very dark periods of depression. She has a tatoo of a tree on her foot to remind her of a beautiful tree near her hometown that provided hope at a time when she was suicidal.

It was clear that her dark hours had made her empathetic and loving. Her survival gave her confidence. She saw past the intimidating airs people gave off and treated everyone with care, just in case they might be facing a private battle.

At 34, she had found a beautiful zen place. She got married at 36. And now she has a beautiful little girl.

I have another friend who just married a wonderful man--at 36. She runs a great theatre company and is a kind, loving, admirable woman.

Because these women shared their journey with me, I'm less worried about my own crazy journey. I am less afraid of the time that passes or the trials that I face. I see their strength after the battle, and I look forward to becoming a better woman--stronger, kinder, empathetic, and spiritual.

I don't know how I'll spend my days, or who I'll spend my days with. I don't know how I'll pay off my debts or whether I'll ever have children of my own. But for the first time in a really long time, I'm okay with that. I have finally resigned myself to the idea that my little life has a very specific purpose. I have these strange little assignments that I get to fulfill all over the land. People that I am meant to meet, women I'm supposed to learn from, friends I'm supposed to support. It's a strange, unpredictable life. But I feel very strongly that how I spend my time--where I spend my time--means something to God.

So I gladly give up trying to figure out anything else.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Going from Bad Crazy to Good Crazy

On Thursday I woke up hoping that all would be well.

I rolled out of bed and decided to shower. I left a message on my mom's phone asking for some groceries--applesauce, gatorade, and bananas.

Showering is a bit of a marathon. It requires standing for at least ten minutes. I was so afraid I would fall over, or worse--vomit.

But I felt so clean and lovely when I got out of the shower.

I found silky happy hot pink pajamas.

I ate a couple handfuls of rice krispies.

And then my mommy called. And then my step-dad called. Before I knew it, my dad put me and my laundry in the car and whisked me off to Tremonton.

I've been here since Thursday. My laundry is done.

I'm still weary of eating, but tonight I ate fruit salad, a couple of bites of spaghetti and a piece of celery. This was after eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a few apricots for lunch. Pretty stinking cool.

Today, I played the piano for a little bit. It's the same piano I've been playing since my mom married Brent back in 1991. I kinda just went through the motions though. I plunked the notes, but beyond that, nada.

My lymph nodes feel like hard little peas in my neck right now. I continue to sweat profusely, but the pains are gone. I'm just plain tired.

It's been a really good illness for me. They say that as you fast, your body releases toxins. I've basically been fasting for a good while. So many toxins.... The mind and the body, the memory, all the issues I've been ignoring. . . it's all come up this week. Every pain seems connected to larger issues.

So, I've looked at the issues. I'm trying to be present in my body. Instead of ignoring my pain, to acknowledge it. I want to be here.

But in deciding to be here... I need to find a better way to spend the hours of my life. I need to stop waiting for my life. I need to fill my time with good things, positive things. I need to make the days count.

Even if in deciding this, my life suddenly becomes unpredictable and a little crazy.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Source of Power

It is so easy to believe that winning the war is impossible.

It is so easy to believe that losing would be so much easier.

It is so much easier to believe the rhetoric and the logic... and stop hoping.

But this is the side I chose.

This is the side I'm on.

This side may lead me on a path of loneliness.

I may never have everything the world could offer me, but Emmanuel will come. And He will rescue Israel. And I will lift up my voice to the heavens and sing with the choirs that welcome the Savior as he descends on clouds of glory. I will raise my voice with those of all those who waited with hope and love for that beautiful day for Emmanuel to come and ransom captive Israel.

Whenever I forget the power of the side I have chosen, I listen to this song. I listen to voice crying for Emmanuel. And then I feel the power of the organ, the horns and the swell of the chorus. Each faithful individual joining in song to conquer doubt and fear in a chorus that smashes all doubt as to God's Supreme power in this universe.

This is the side I choose. It is not easy to choose this, but it is right.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

An Update

I should update folks on my life.

Here are some stats and facts:

I got sick New Years Day.

I worked Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night the fever kicked in. I had a fever ranging between 103 and 101 until Saturday.

Heather and her husband Michael came over Thursday night and he gave me a beautiful blessing.

She brought me saltine fishy crackers. I love them.

I eat apple sauce and fishy crackers. I try eating more. And then I feel sick. So I don't.

I went to church Sunday. I stayed in the lobby. I wanted to be there. I needed to be there.

Monday I went to work for 3 hours. I was in training for a new kind of thing... (boring)... I watched the words swimming on the page and felt all these gross toxic feelings course through my body. It felt horrible.

I got up and left. I couldn't do it anymore.

It's difficult to document this illness because so much of it has to do with the toxic feelings I have about myself. Over and over again, I'm reminded of how loved I am though. So much of my anxiety is this temptation to feel like my life, my existence doesn't matter anyway. And then I get a phone call or a text.

Thank you so much friends. You have no idea how much your love means to me.

I had a really good cry last night with a dear dear friend. She's a miracle worker.

I took a long hot bath.

and then I vomited.

Which is strange considering how little I've eaten in the past week.

But it felt really good, strangely enough.

I slept like a baby after that.

I woke up this morning with new pains, but it's okay. There's a whole lot of toxic crap to work through. And this may ruin my credit and completely destroy me, but I'm okay with it.

Everything will be all right. I may feel like poo, but everything will be okay.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Maliheh Clinic

I walked into the free clinic near my home a little sweaty. I go back and forth between hot and cold--and this was one of the sweaty times. I tried not to get in anyone's way. The place was packed with people. Nurses and doctors in different colored scrubs--

smiling and laughing

patiently speaking with everyone as though they were important...

I wasn't sure if I had any business in the clinic, but I have no money right now (savings have run flat dry and insurance doesn't kick in until February).

A large kid in a University of Utah sweatshirt looked at me and said, "I'm going to find you the nicest nurse here."

I met several of them.

One mothering caregiver came over and immediately said, "Oh honey, you're so pale! And you're sweating! Here, have a seat!" She sat me in a special chair. My eyes began to well with tears. It's probably the illness, but I couldn't stop crying.

I explained my illness and asked for some advice. The nurse said that they couldn't run tests until I was officially a patient. I told her that I understood and asked her if she had any advice for me. She looked at me and said, "I can't send you out there without at least running a strep test!"

Another nurse came and took the swab. (I tried telling her that I knew it wasn't strep...but that's an uninteresting part of the story...and she was insistent.)

I went into the waiting room. I saw this tiny little old Navajo woman. She was so cute. I started to cry.

I saw a poster with a girl on a bathroom floor and the words, "You are not alone." And I started to cry.

I saw a handmade quilt, painstakingly made, with the words, "Love til it Hurts" (Mother Teresa) stitched in the center. And I cried.

I just sat and wept. Now, granted, this was the first time I'd sat up for such a long period of time and my body was crashing--but it was so incredibly moving.

After trying to stay seated, I finally slid onto the floor and curled into a ball and slept for a bit. I just couldn't sit up any longer. But from the floor I could still hear everything around me.

I heard the nurse guide my Navajo grandma through her diabetes treatment. She explained with such kindness, "You have to watch what you're eating. The numbers don't lie! This is important. We wanna keep you around for years to come!"

And I cried.

The strep test came back negative. She told me not to worry about eating, just to drink a lot. And she cared.

It was wonderful.

If you're in Utah, donate to the Maliheh Clinic.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

How to Make Money and Be Happy

I'm sick again.


I'm completely allergic to my life right now.

Things need to change...pronto...

So here are a list of things that make me happy:


These are the things that I love doing. This is why I got my MFA and MLitt in Shakespeare in Performance because I got to study acting, write, and teach a multitude of workshops.

I spent the last few years working as a professor and an actor.

I need to be doing these things.

My body is physically ill doing anything else.

I didn't think I was such a wimp.

I thought that I could survive doing anything. What an absolute shmuck. I have truly been humbled.

I believe that there are paths in life that we NEED to take and that one way or another, we will be led to those paths.

I am in so much pain right now. Is there really agency when one choice leads to such mind numbing pain??

So I have to figure out a new plan. I've been trying to find a day job with consistent hours that will allow me to do theatre. I've interviewed at a job that would be absolutely wonderful, but I need to figure out a plan where it will be all right if I find out that I didn't get that job.

I've decided to submit writings to 3 places a week. I'm going to visit the various private schools in the area and submit my resume as a substitute teacher. I'm going to allow myself to be gainfully unemployed and try not to have a heart attack. I've got to give myself a chance to be who I am.

Now I need to figure out whether I should eat or not. hmmmm... tummy hurts. need food. painful...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Red Tent

So one of my resolutions is to blog more. Mwa ha ha!

Today is one of those days where it's 9 degrees outside and I can feel myself on the verge of illness. As I walked into the cold air last night after the New Years Festivities, I was overwhelmed as the cold air hit my insides.

Today is the second day of my happy time of the month. I kind of like it when it finally arrives because it means that the horrendous depression inducing pmsing is finally over. I literally reel with emotion for about ten days before I finally start my period. And then it's over and I feel normal again--emotionally.

Physically, I'm in a good deal of pain. I'm completely wiped out. I slept a good part of my day away today. But I'm generally happy.

I feel really blessed right now because I could be going through this during the work week. And that's just not cool. Instead, I'm curled up in bed, nibbling on cereal and oranges. I feel like I'm in my own little Red Tent.

I have a little dillemma. I'd love your advice--dear reader--

Last night, I a friend mentioned that they'd like to get together to talk. I mentioned that I was free Saturday night and Sunday night and asked when he would like to get together. He just needs to vent and he needs a friend to listen--and I am more than happy to be a friend. He never responded to whether he wanted to get together Saturday or Sunday night. I didn't make any plans either way because I'm holed up in my red tent, but a response would have been polite.

I sent 3 polite texts throughout the day--asking about what was going on--with no response. I finally sent a curt response--which he replied to quickly--expressing that he was involved in a family emergency.

He was trying to make me feel bad for being so curt, and selfish for expecting a response. I understand canceling, I understand not having time for a lengthy chat. But a response--a short--"Emergency--can't chat" takes about 4 seconds.

I get that a family emergency is all consuming, but I'm a person. When I'm ignored, it makes me feel like less of a person. I have no intention of mentioning my feelings in this to him because when push comes to shove, my feelings are far less important than the family emergency. But in my little world where all there is is me--my feelings kinda count for something. So here on the bloggy that's about me--I'm going to express my selfish feelings.

I'm not sure what my dilemma is--but if you wanna tell me to be less selfish--I'm cool with that.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Resolutions!

My New Years Resolutions:

1) Be happy. I want to find more moments to just be where I'm at and enjoy the present moment. I want to discover all the reasons why RIGHT NOW is wonderful. I want to enjoy the moonlight glow on glittering snow, watch the ducks run towards me as I spread bread crumbs, do puzzles!

2) Love more. I have decided that my life is about giving and receiving love. I will never be rich. I will always worry about money. But my life is rich in experiences and my favorite moments are laughing and sharing with good friends. So I'd like to do it more often.

3) Face my problems head on. Do what I can. Let it go. I have a bad habit of ignoring my problems. I want to look them square on so I can assess the damage and move forward.

4) Don't be a hypocrite. I have been a split person over the past while. I am spiritual and wicked--like most people. I don't hate myself for these things...but I'd like to find greater consistency in my life.

5) Expect more. From men. I am perfectly happy without one. I will expect more from any man who wants to have me in his life. I resolve to be far less forgiving.

6) Go on 20 different hikes. I have a book. I want to use it!

7) Pray and Meditate more. And by more, I mean... spend at least 20 minutes a day in silence with myself and God. This is part of learning to face myself and my problems head on.

2011 will be a wonderful year. I can feel it!

New Years Eve Happiness


HAPPY 1-1-11


Yesterday was perfect. I went and saw The King's Speech with my little brother. We had planned on seeing it for months. It was worth the wait.

It was wonderful, touching, inspiring... It was swell!

In the morning, I did my budget, trying to figure out if I could go on a little trip to see one of my favorite people for New Years... but I came to the sad conclusion that with only $10 left... the trip wasn't going to happen.

And after having a minor temper tantrum... I felt good about exercising my self-control. Granted, my baby brother covered us at the movies.

After the movie, Nick came over and I made us spaghetti while we finished my puzzle and we watched Community on hulu.

Then I went over to my friend Gamyr's house to celebrate the New Year. It was wonderful. The week before, I had helped him paint his wall. It looked incredible!
His daughter Hannah was there and a few other friends. It was great fun.

We danced like crazy nerds and toasted in the new year with joy.

I got home and crashed in my warm bed.

It was a great start to the new year. I have a lot of thoughts. But I'll end this little post.