Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My Hurt Back

I threw my back out. It is just swell. But it has reminded me of all the people who care about me. It's been very lovely.

Here's the story. I will make it as magical as possible.

First, I went to bed at 6:30pm Sunday night because I was tired. At 9:30pm, I woke up and watched some stupid television until 11pm and then dropped off to sleep again. I was tired!

I woke up at 7am--a half hour earlier than usual. I happily hopped up and got in the shower. As I was tossing my hair forward to put it in a towel, I felt the lower left side of my back go out.

No biggie! I'll just do some yoga! I got time!

So I stretched and stretched and waited for the back to just pop back into place. Back into a happy happy little place!

This didn't happen.

I decided to go to Walmart to walk around and pick up some fruit and veggies.

Then I went to work and I was still in a swell mood--albeit, I couldn't walk.

I made an appt to go and get my back adjusted at lunch.

I thought I would just go in and he would pop it into place.

He massaged my lower back with an awesome massagy thingy. I was so happy. Sooooo happy.

And then he stopped.

He casually said, "Okay! Get up!"

I couldn't. I sat there and tried to move. I couldn't move my hips. I felt paralyzed. He asked if it was painful. It didn't seem very painful. I just couldn't physically move. I think it was painful, but it didn't feel sharp. Tears streamed down my face. He had me lay back down and he did the massagy thing a little longer.

And then instead of getting up, I rolled off the table and crawled like a baby out of the office.

Dear Heather came and took me to my apartment. The doctor prescribed rest. He gave me a cool note.

Then Joe brought me a heating pad and ice and ibuprofen.

Then Kristi brought me my book from work.

Tuesday, Katie and Joe came over and helped me get my car from the doctor's and we went to the pool so I could relax the muscles there.

Then Roger came over and took me to the grocery store.

Today Gabriel came over with a book on how to heal the back.

That's 6 people in three days who took time out to help me out. I am pretty helpless right now. Movement is limited to say the least.

But hopefully I will heal soon enough. The doctor says I have these microtears in my muscles and it makes it difficult to just pop things back into alignment without causing further damage to my muscles. I just have to relax. Apparently moving 4 times in a year isn't great for the back.

It sucks being out for the count, but it's lovely being loved.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Dating Narcissism

Yesterday I found out that the guy I was dating earlier this year--well he's now engaged.

He told me that he wanted to wait three years before marriage. He wanted to wait a year before even CONSIDERING marriage.

I made the mistake of laughing at that and saying, "Sure! whatever!"

And this why he is NOT engaged to me.

I thought about being sad about this. I thought about a few of the guys I've dated and how they are happy with other people now.

When you're dating, you say, "I love you! You're amazing! I wish I could be with you forever!" and then they go off and actually spend forever with someone else.

And regardless of who it is--when they find someone else--even if I really wasn't that into them--I feel jilted.

It's ridiculous! I can't be with every guy I date! There is no truth to this kind of pain. It's stupid! I can't be with everyone. Why shouldn't they find happiness?

It's a kind of narcissism. It's a way of seeing yourself as the center of everyone's universe.

Well, I'm clearly not the center of anyone's universe.


I have been going out with a nice guy for the past three weeks, but I just don't know. I'm not feeling it. But I tell you, after we break up and he finds someone else and gets engaged--I guarantee I'll feel it then. Silly narcissistic me.

Silly silly me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm Making a List

I am doing my best to whittle away the problems that weigh on my mind.

Which is way more than I've been doing.

So here are the steps I've taken--this isn't interesting--but it's cathartic.

1. I went to the doctor last night to check out my unhealthy feelings. I'm going to have a sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea. And I have medicine for other stuff.

Check... One step closer to happy.

2. I ate a Fiber One bar, brocolli, dairy free shepherd's pie, cherries, a half a piece of chicken, tortilla soup, and grapes and apples with walnuts.

You will note:

NO Ice cream!!

Check.... another step to bliss.

3. I went for a walk!

Check.... shika POW!

4. I ate dinner with two very good friends. It was a nice evening. I mentioned to Gabe that I was going to try to lose some weight.

Brace yourself....

He replied,



Sunday, July 10, 2011

Random Self-Portrait

I don't have a clue when I took this. Sometime in May I think.

During May I started dating a really nice guy. It was really nice. It made me think that maybe there was a really nice pot of gold at the end of this horrifying rainbow.

He was great. So sweet. We started dating when he told me that he was afraid of how much he liked me. And he told me he thought I was so pretty.

It was great.

And then he told me he wanted me to lose weight.

And then he told me he felt claustrophobic.

And then I told him to go away for a week.

And then he told me that he felt like it was over.

And it was.

Sooooo.... yea.

I still go out probably once or twice a week with random guys. Some nice, some interesting.

I'm doing my best to play the game and to be open to whatever glorious love life has to offer. But honestly, dating is just not fun anymore.

I'm so wary of getting hurt for the 50 zillionth time again. So I don't really even see the point.

In other personal news, I have a large bone spur on the right side of my jaw. It's weird.

And another little health concern that I'm going to the doctor about... it's too gross to share online. But I'm sure it's no big deal.

Oh, and I'm peeling from my time at the pool last weekend.

In other news, I'm a huge fan of Doctor Who now thanks to the nice guy I dated in May.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Picture From the Wedding

Maren and Jake dancing at the wedding. I wish I knew how to enter these pics in a group... oh well. Technology... there was a time when I cared enough to get to know how to work all this stuff.... now....

I just don't.

More Family Reunion

Little Jossilyn playing with her grandma--my Aunt Mary Lou. Bethany--my baby sister-- is having a baby in August. My Nana and Popop are both nearly 90. They're in really great shape for their age. I come from good peeps.

My cousin Maren is absolutely one of the most beautiful people in the world. She looks like Pocahontas. And her daughter is a cutie little red head with the whitest little jiggly thighs... she reminds me of me. tee hee hee.

Family Reunion

My Aunt Nancy holding the new batch of grandbabies. Aren't they cutie patooties?

Drop Box

I went to see Harry and the Potters at the Salt Lake City Library. It was lovely!

Here's a Blog Crystal. I love you dearie.

Dreams... Gratitude...

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm sad. I cry too much. But I don't have the energy to be sad around other people. So in public, I am just the most endearing soul. I laugh, I dance. I twirl. I crack jokes. I'm truly amazing.

Work is good in that I have a job. It's good to have work. I am grateful for this.

Over and over again, when people find out I have my masters and I'm working in sales...

But I have full health benefits.

And I get to go home at 6pm every single night. And I have weekends.

And the sun is shining. The sun. Is. Shining.

I am sitting on a lovely comfortable chair that my mom gave me, watching a television that Heather gave me... I am blessed.

Every time I sit down to type I am sad, but I know I shouldn't be.

For goodness sake, I'm on antidepressants!!

But today I drove past Chris's work. I saw his car. I listened to Adele. And I cried. I cried and I cried.

It's been four months since he called and told me that he still loved me. And that he was marrying another woman. Four months. And my heart still breaks every single day.

So this is my blog. This is my effort to not be a total mess. To show some gratitude. To be okay in spite of the fact that I can't see beyond my current pain.

I'm trying. I'm really really trying. I'm doing everything I know how to do to be all right. But I completely and utterly suck at life right now.