Monday, April 29, 2013
A lot of hand holding
This isn't a YA novel folks.
This is closing night and the cast party. And the after party.
Two girls (not in the cast) share a serious discussion.
"22? Dang. I thought I was going to throw up when I turned 21."
"I know, seriously. Uggh. I just don't FEEL 22 yet!"
I stand a foot away and stare unabashedly at these strange creatures.
I realize the conversation isn't going to get more interesting.
Me: "I'm gonna slide my 35 year old self over to another part of this party."
I take great care to roll my eyes as I pass.
I discover a giant love sack. I lay down next to the other woman in her mid 30s and we laugh and cuddle and sigh and enjoy an animated moment together. We pull down a handsome man between us and enjoy making him blush.
The other two girls take pictures of themselves on their cell phones and post the pics to Facebook.
It's late on a Sunday night. The neighbors are asleep. We have to keep the noise down.
So of course we have to have firey hula hooping.
Hula hooping with hoops that are on fire.
The crowd gathers quietly in the driveway to watch.
Instead of screaming, we hug and smile.
The starry night makes everything calm and other worldly.
And the firey hula hooping is frankly just trippy.
One of the guys doesn't get the memo about being quiet.
He stands at the forefront whooping and hollering.
He yells at the rest of us, "She's on fire people!! Give the girl some props!"
I look at the silent crowd and the enthusiastic loner.
I begin to giggle uncontrollably at the whole picture.
I eat a marshmallow.
I kiss a girl.
I kiss a boy.
I am neither drunk nor high. I was the designated driver.
I was blissful. I was devoted to the present and the present was hilarious and divine.
I share in a conversation about Europe with the American girl and her Spanish lover.
I share in a conversation about creating a peeps diorama with an important designer and tell him my love for all things marshmallow and crocheting. But not together.
Four of us pour ourselves into my little car.
I fall into bed and a moment later I wake up.
I get to work and find jelly beans waiting for me.
It just goes on and on. This life thing.
It's like a never ending present.
Good morning friends.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I have a good life. I am grateful for my old friend Ben who came to see the show last night. We got to reconnect today over a table crowded with new friends and loved ones. Time flies, but friendship lasts forever.
Tonight we close Reefer Madness.
A part of my heart is breaking.
I could do this show with these friends forever, but the short run brings a real appreciation for every performance.
Today I'm grateful to be in this moment. Tomorrow I will long for it. Today I will just enjoy it.
Friday, April 26, 2013
1. I made my bed.
2. I watched this girl's journey towards model stardom--(I couldn't stop!)
3. I got a box of these from Natalia for helping her with her hair.
4. I got to perform in this show.
With these people...
5. During this particular performance, the audience had the treat of a hearing an especially drunk couple on the front row narrate their feelings towards the events, very loudly.
"OH, NOW THAT IS FUNNY. THAT IS FUNNY!"
"AH! I'M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!. No really, I am going to pee my pants."
Whenever Tyson, the drug dealing villain was on stage, they would boo him like they were at some melodrama.
After the laughter of the crowd had died down, the woman would pipe up.
"Oh God. That was good."
It was hilarious.
6. I got to hear a beautiful performance from this guy before the show while we worked audition pieces.
7. I enjoyed a great conversation about life, love, philosophy, and happiness during our ride down the mountain with this guy.
8. I watched the Project Runway Finale and saw this woman's amazing collection!
9. I had a late night conversation about love, life, and happiness with this beautiful friend.
10. And Finally...
I was overwhelmed with feelings of love for my family.
My cousins are in AZ with the grandparents and there is a lot of cute happening there. I can't wait to go squeeze these two!
I have so much. I am grateful for so many moments.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's so hard to take time off when you LOVE everything you do though.
I love my job. I love Reefer Madness. I love Avenue Q. I love the church choir.
But this morning.... holy moly was it hard to get out of bed.
One of my favorite homeless friends came in and commented on my appearance.
He said, "Now don't take this the wrong way, but you look completely fried. I think maybe you ought to set up a nice bed in one of your storage units and just stay the night here so that you don't have to go home."
Not helpful friend. NOT. HELPFUL.
All I can do is think of my friends Melissa, Clarissa, Sara, Jessica, Paul, and Grant--and my cousin Maren--with their little toddlers AND newborns. I'm fairly sure that they never sleep. I don't know how you're doing it. I'm pretty sure you're able to do it because the kids are cute and must giggle and smile at those moments where you feel like throwing yourself in front of a bus just to get a moment of relaxation.
My babies are my plays. And they're super cute. But they're finished within a very short period of time.
I'm no where near ready for the no sleep marathoning of parenting. I honor you dear parental gurus.
Today I am grateful for my beautiful bed. I am grateful I get to be Aunt Evey. Someday I may have the stamina to raise a baby and a toddler at the same time--but right now, I'm REALLY happy that I know I'm gonna sleep for a good 12 hours tonight.
Not to rub it in.
If you'd like, I'll make you a gold star.
Probably won't help much.
But hey, the kids are super cute!
Just think how hard it would be if your kids looked like little slimy green aliens.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Some of my favorite quotes:
Monday, April 22, 2013
Not much to say, just an overall feeling of appreciation for my family, my job, and my beautiful city.
Today I am grateful for shopping, good food, a great job, and my family.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
The every day posting has taken a backseat to Tech Week and Opening a Show. In caps. Cause it's been a capital week.
So I was cast on March 13th as Mae in Reefer Madness at the Egyptian Theatre--a Darkhorse Company Theatre Production.
I didn't know squat about the role.
We started rehearsal on Monday, March 18th.
Last night, April 18th, we previewed to an audience.
I have to say--this cast is incredible. I have enjoyed working with these folks so much. Not a diva in the bunch. Everyone is working so hard to create a show that audiences will love.
The music is wonderful, the dancing is vibrant, the dialogue is witty. It is a hilarious show.
If you just want to come and laugh and have a good time--come on up to Park City and enjoy the show.
Tonight is opening night.
I have been in Park City every night this week until midnight--sometimes later. Adding technical elements to a show is always difficult, but this has been particularly trying. I won't go into details about this because I'm trying to stay positive--but I will say this:
It is difficult for me to find a place of calm and relaxation when other elements of a show aren't in place. I have learned to find calm in the midst of a storm of variables that I have no control over. Well, I don't know that I've found that calm just yet--but I'm bound and determined to find calm in the midst of a storm of variables that I have no control over.
In the midst of the storm of opening a show, I forgot to fill my gas tank yesterday.
I left the theatre at about midnight again.
As I drove out of Park City, I thought, "Eve, you should stop and get gas now."
And then my stupid/regular brain decided to work: "Nah, you'll be coasting down the mountain. Get gas in the morning."
Smarter Me: "But you don't have any money in your account and you can't pay cash at a closed gas station."
Regular Me: "Whatever. Punch it! I wanna go home!"
I turned onto the freeway and headed down the canyon.
Then the gas light came on.
I did the math. I had maybe 20 miles to get home. Did I wanna risk it and run out of gas in the middle of the canyon?
Suddenly I got freaked out.
I saw a sign for gas at mile marker 140. I pulled off immediately.
I pulled into a dark gas station.
I don't get paid until the 20th.
It is not the 20th.
I don't get frazzled or scared, but I was petrified that I wouldn't have any way to get down the canyon.
I know it's just gas--but a week of work and tech rehearsals had reduced me to a pile of nerves.
I was freaked out.
I put my card in and prayed that it would let me pump gas. I was completely willing to pay an overdraft fee. I just wanted to go home to my bed!
And then I saw the beautiful words written on the little grey computer screen next to the card reader--"Choose the gas you wanna pump girl! You got moneys!" (I'm paraphrasing.)
I filled that little tank and came home and slept like a dog in my own soft happy beautiful bed.
Today I'm grateful that my paycheck showed up in my account two days early. Coincidence? I think not.
I am a blessed woman.
(The title of this post is "Gas". Regular Me wanted to name it: "Ice Cream Gives Me Gas, But Not the Kind I Need at Midnight When The Gas Light Comes On Up The Canyon". Smarter Me intervened.)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I am unwilling to make the choices that I need to reverse this.
There are moments of darkness where I simply want to just disappear. I want to just fade away. It doesn't feel suicidal because I don't wish myself violence, but I know that continuing on this course of health will lead to an early grave and I am not stopping it. Is that suicide? If so, I've been slowly killing myself since I was a teenager. Certainly, I don't think to myself, "I'd like to die an early death, so I'm gonna eat this doughnut." But I don't think about what the doughnut is doing to me.
There are people in my life who simply will not allow me to fade away though.
Last night, performing Skyfall...
I just didn't see that coming. I couldn't have anticipated being asked to perform when I am who I am right now. I just feel like I'm too flawed.
I was so nervous. I had the words memorized. I had actions I wanted to do, but right before I went on, I made Dustin Bolt look up the lyrics on his phone so I could carry them out there. I was freaking out. But, it was perfect. I stood and had the lyrics safely with me. I barely glanced at them. But they comforted me. And no one was looking at me because there was this fantastic acrobatic feat going on in front of me. It was perfect!
I am really grateful for Gamyr and Daniel and Ginger for asking me to perform at the Event last night. It forced me to stop fading.
And now I'm playing Mae. A sexy vamp.
Every time I try to fade away, there are people who see more in me than I am willing to recognize in myself. They see beyond the flaws that haunt me.
I don't know if I've said it enough. Tammy Ross and the Midvale Main Street Theatre saved me.
No one can know what it means to me to know that I can always go there and work on my craft or teach others. And when I asked Tammy to perform at the benefit for Darkhorse to help raise funds for another theatre company, she didn't hesitate to offer her time and resources, not because she knew Gamyr or Daniel, but because she wanted to help and because I asked her. She is incredibly generous with her time and I am so proud to be working with her.
I am crying and sad because I just saw the video that sweet Angela Corbett shot of me while I was singing and oh boy howdy--there's nothing like seeing yourself in a video to make you come to Jesus about your weight. And I'm crying because I am physically, mentally, and emotionally completely exhausted after preparing to open one show this week, performing last night, and hoping that I wasn't asking too much of the cast of Avenue Q so early in their rehearsal process. If my mom was here, she'd tell me to get to bed early tonight. And she would be soooo right.
But I'm not fading.
Despite all my best efforts to just slink away, for some reason, I am in a place where I am not allowed to do that.
Today I am grateful for the people who support me when I don't support myself. The list is long.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Yesterday was my mom's birthday.
I decided to create something to commemorate the influence she has had through her choices to become a mother and the mother she was to us.
So I gathered a bunch of pictures of all of my mom and step-dad's kids at various points, and also some of the neighbor kiddos since my parents have become adopted grandparents to these cute little babies. I was home visiting once and this little 4 year old girl knocks on the door in her cute little night gown and says, "Can I come play on your piano?" They're adorable little replacements for the the fact that out of the seven children raised in their home, there is only one beloved little grandtyke.
I vacillated about whether or not to post this video. The fact is--it is particular to the memories with my mother--so it does not include pictures of my dad--though there are pictures of life with my dad too. It is particularly focused on memories built in and around my mother. And there are a lot of wonderful memories of the life she built for us.
I get a little vaklempt every time I see the video. Especially the last minute of it. It really isn't that interesting to anyone else--another reason I hesitated--but it's a reminder of the gratitude I have for the joyful memories of life with my mother and my wonderful step-father.
This morning, on spotify, I heard the song, "Return to Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins. I remember listening to this CD over and over again. As a child, the song is cute and fun. As an adult remembering, it moves me.
So another something to share:
I had a conversation with a good friend last night about the kind of childhood I want to create for my kids. I thought of my mom and how she would get up early and make delicious french toast, then she would come downstairs and happily wake us all up so we could enjoy a big breakfast together. We would read the scriptures around breakfast, and then we would head off for school. I want to do those things. I would actually love to homeschool my kids. I love teaching, and I would absolutely love to be able to take the time to really dive into learning with my children.
Like I said, lots of thoughts about childhood lately.
It's good to remember and it's happy to imagine.
Today, I'm grateful for my mom.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Norman* came in to the office and our conversation flowed from one topic to the next. I wish I could remember the words as much as I remember the feelings. We talked about the area in which the homeless reside, the stores they frequent, their growing number, how many of them were given one-way tickets out of town during the Olympics, and how he feels the homeless are currently being displaced.
There were moments I felt he was exaggerating. There was a bit too much scandal and cloak and dagger for me to swallow everything, but some of his words were matching up with other conversations. Out of the mouth of two or three witnesses.
He shared a theory that the homeless are being taken away to camps across the state. He was comparing this to how the Nazis dealt with "undesirables". I asked him if he'd seen any of these places, and he said he hadn't--but that he couldn't deny that everyday a friend will disappear and he doesn't know where they end up.
My eyes filled with water.
I don't believe there are camps, but I do believe people are disappearing. Every day.
One man pan handles for $4 a day. $1 for a coffee. $3 for a spice joint that will put him in a near catatonic state for the rest of the day.
That's his life. $4 a day.
As I was leaving tonight, Sam* came into gather his things for the evening. He is a funny looking man. He reminds me of a cartoon walrus. He has the sweetest smile though. His wife is in a wheelchair and she carries a little puppy. I watched him walk away with his backpack filled with things he would need for the night at the shelter, or wherever he and his wife would sleep tonight.
As he walked away, I wondered if he would disappear too.
I imagined him with his wife, holding her hand, walking through the streets together.
I cried, wondering if they would disappear too.
As I get to know these friends, I wonder how long I will have to know them. They will disappear eventually. And like all of us, their memory will pass away too.
For them, there are no funerals. No rituals to help the grieving accept the loss.
They simply disappear.
After weeping myself silly, I went to rehearsal. I was not in the mood to sing or dance. But as I watched my fellow castmates sing silly songs about the dangers of smoking the reefer, I began to just giggle. I could feel this wave of joy come over me. This musical is ridiculous in all the right ways.
Life may be short and it may be incredibly unfair, but dangitall, it is really good.
After rehearsal, I drove around downtown, looking for beautiful night images in this city that I've chosen to call home.
Tonight I am grateful for the lights, the smell of the budding trees, the hilarious show I'm in, and the amazing people I get to meet everyday.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
So much exercise! Uggh. Who needs it?? (Me. I need it.)
In the 2nd Act of Reefer Madness, I get to belt my brains out in three songs in a row. Three. In a row. (Well, I get about a 45 second break just before the last number, but still...)
I am giddy. I LOVE SINGING!!
While working on the final number, the director/choreographer began by making it clear that I WOULD be dancing, and then proceeded to teach this horrifying step where I am supposed to hop and fullap and hop and brush and turn around and shake my booty, and smile, and be graceful, and sing, and not die.
All in 8 counts.
That's 8 counts of hopping and fullaping!
I loathe that combination.
But, then he taught this dreamy step where I get to skip like a leprachaun with joy!
And by golly, I got it! I feel like the Lady of the Dance!
My next step in preparation for next week's opening is to ensure I have the proper lingerie for this performance. If I'm going to bounce around the stage like a graceful bunny, I need underwears that will properly hold my undertheres.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to spend 4 hours a night frollicking like a happy little lamb with people I adore.
If you are making plans to come and see me stomp and glide around the stage--here's the information:
Produced by Darkhorse Company Theatre, Reefer Madness plays April 19-28th at the Egyptian Theatre in Park City, Utah. For tickets to the show, visit this page. The show plays Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8pm and Sundays at 6pm.
(I am inviting ALL my friends to come and see the show. However, it is a musical set in the 30s that tells the tale of the untimely demise of a young woman and her love because they succumbed to temptation and used REEFER! It is over the top and irreverent. If you prefer reverent things, consider yourself warned. I will still love you whether you come to see the show or not. But if you like funny things, and you've thought, I would love to see Eve singing and dancing around the stage, you should make plans to come and see the show.)
Monday, April 8, 2013
This is Minerva Teichert's painting of Queen Esther. I love it. This is a smart woman. This is the kind of woman I hope to become.
General Conference was wonderful.
There are talks I hear that I think--"This doesn't speak to me. What can I do to better understand and better receive these teachings?"
I have strong opinions based on my relationships and experiences. But, I am open and willing to change and learn based on the promptings of the Spirit. I am willing to be wrong. But I also trust in my own experiences.
There were some talks that pricked my conscience. Other talks motivated me to be better. Others provided a spiritual reset for me.
Three talks stood out to me the most. 1) Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk about the importance of believing.
2) Elder David A. Bednar's talk about being chaste and 3) Elder Erich W. Kopischke's talk about Acceptance. I felt my spirit stir when I heard these talks. I loved the power of Elder L. Tom Perry's talk.
There's a lot to comment on. My brain is kind of mushy trying to think of specific that stood out.
I spent the weekend just watching, listening, playing Angry Birds, cleaning, watching, listening, playing Angry Birds, and thinking about how I could be a better person.
It's like taking a spiritual inventory.
There's a lot of things I'd like to improve about myself, in relation to who I feel I can be right now. There is opportunity for growth.
Honestly, in this moment, I'm disappointed at the woman I've become. I had fantasies about who I would become as an adult and I wish I was that woman. Don't get me wrong, there are good things about me, I know. But in an effort to be honest, I often have moments where I wish I was the woman I imagined myself becoming as a child.
Taking inventory is a good thing though. I just need to take action now.
Every decision I make today contributes to my future self. I need to honor today more than I do.
Today, I am grateful for the things I can do today to become a better person. I would also be grateful for a nap right now. I'm tired. This becoming awesome is exhausting.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
I found a few nice memories.
I have had some very sweet experiences during my life.
Today, I am grateful for these memories and for good people who take the time to share kind notes and beautiful drawings so that I can relive these memories.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I read a meme on Facebook today that basically shares that men need women to lead them to God and the Source. And men are here to protect women.
This thought was mulling around my brain when a couple of men came into to the storage facility today. We conducted business than *Bob and I had an interesting discussion. He said, without a touch of impropriety, that I was the only woman in his life. I remembered what I had read about SLC having more men than women and the quote about women and men.
I paused for a moment and a memory came into my mind.
I said, "Do you know the best way to escape the rip tide? You have to swim below the surface. Swim under the water and come up the other side of the breaking waves. That's what detox is. When you're on drugs, you're stuck in a rip tide of sorts. In order to get unstuck--you have to dive below where you're at. That's detox. You went below and now you're finally unstuck. It is going to be all right."
I don't know what possessed me to share this random lesson with a total stranger except that he told me I was the only woman in his life and I suddenly felt this need to contribute to his path to God.
In looking at the other side of the coin--men protect women--I remember a moment a few months ago. I was with a good friend. I was so tired. So incredibly tired. We had been talking for hours. I felt so open and vulnerable. He sat in an oversized chair, and I crawled up into his lap, and rested my head into the crook of his neck. I let my heart press against his chest. I let myself let go. I let myself feel safe. My emotions mirrored my physical surrender. I let myself finally feel safe and open. I began to sob into his neck. I will never forget that moment of surrender.
I enjoy being an independent woman, but it wasn't until that moment that I realized the height and thickness of the walls I build in my heart to protect myself from any vulnerability.
I am grateful that despite being far from any sort of longterm relationship, I am able to be a blessing to the good men who come into my life and I'm grateful for that kind male friend who offered me safety and allowed me to let my walls down on that long night.