Just Watch the Drummer

If you need a laugh, just take 5 minutes and giggle with me now.

You're welcome.

Evidence of Heaven

Happy King

A Curious Ellie

I've held off sharing some personal details because they're, well, they're personal.

but . . .

Sometimes the personal stuff is the most important stuff.

I sometimes imagine that Heavenly Father and I were very close before I came to earth. I imagine that I waited a long time to come to earth because I did not want to be separated from my loved ones in heaven. I imagine it, and then I cry because I feel very strongly that this is true. There are people on earth that I have connected with instantly, and I know that we were very close in heaven and that our friendship is nothing short of eternal. You know who you are.

Ellie is autistic. Faces are often overwhelming because she sees so many details in a glance. When shown a photograph, she often pushes the face away. She loves the sensation of water, and finds joy in the tiniest details--mainly because she notices details others wouldn't observe.

The first time Chris showed Ellie my picture, she pointed at my face and then kissed the picture.

It was clear that she wasn't overwhelmed with new details at all. She knew me.

The first time I met her, I prepared to stand quietly in the background until she became accustomed to my presence. I would quietly observe and let her come to me. I stood behind Chris at the door as he knocked. Ellie came to the door, eager to see her daddy. She opened the door, walked past Chris, and put her hand in my hand. She dragged me around the house, showing me her world.

Whenever I doubt the existence of heaven, or more importantly, my place within heaven or earth--whenever I doubt my own intuition or my faith, I remember the concrete feeling of her hand in my hand. There was no introduction, no hello--she simply took my hand as though it was completely natural.

Like many tired children, Elijah fell asleep in my arms. Granted, it feels wonderful to have a little child fall asleep in your arms when you've just met, but there wasn't anything particularly unusual about that. Elijah is a little King. He has the ability to convert any room into a little bit of heaven--a throne room of sorts. Light follows him around. He infuses the energy of the room into a calm, peaceful buzz of love. He lays his head on your shoulder as though it is the easiest thing in the world to simply love another human being. The defenses that you've built with all other human beings crumble when you're near him. The security and comfort that we felt with our Heavenly Parents is personified in this little boy. He embodies the virtue of unconditional love.

This isn't to say that these kids are perfect. But for me, they are the perfect herald of heaven's existence. As I look at these pictures, and I remember the feeling I have when I'm with them, I feel more confident than ever that I have an eternal relationship with God and that I will return to live with him again.

It's easy to excuse immediate connections with people as being about common interests or simply being socially adaptable. But I can't explain the immediate relationship that I have with these kids. I don't think that it is evidence of things to come--I see it is evidence of things past. Our interactions testify of life before earth. And knowing my past enables me to face the future, whatever that may be.

Stratford Graduation

Here I am! Professor Eve. I get to wear the little hood thing because of my MFA. BUT--I want the floppy hat. I heard that Stratford can't hire me as a full-time professor--(even though I teach 4 to 5 classes every quarter) because they need phds. So, I'm off to get my Phd because I want the floppy hat! And the benefits would be nice too.

I tried to subtly catch the crowd with my phone camera. The green hat you see belongs to Dr. Nuah. He is from Kenya, and studied in Russia. He is an amazingly intelligent doctor who works researching AIDS at GWU, and spends his evenings teaching young scholars at Stratford. He's a great man. And that is is his green floppy hat.

This is Sherrie. She lives as a single mother with her kids.
She has fought up through poverty after leaving her abusive husband and put herself through school and started a daycare business in her home. She is an amazing example of strength. I am gonna cry. I'm so proud of her!!

The tall guy in the blue robes is Chris Kyler. He has a family and a growing catering business.
He was a great student. I'm so proud of him!

3 of my favorite students. I've had Will and Georgette for at least 3 classes.
We've had some amazing discussions together.

I am finally telling people that I'm not coming back next quarter. It's incredibly difficult. But this is the right path for me. I'm excited to have found a doctoral program where I can combine my love of storytelling, teaching, students from all over the world, my love of current events and policy, and my need to make the world a better place. I want to assimilate my experiences and my different expertises into a resource that will help universities better empower the students who are from a wide variety of cultures and life experiences--instead of just catering to students who figured out the system back in 3rd grade. My students at Stratford come from many different continents and come from incredibly backgrounds. They are intelligent and hardworking and education needs to help them learn to express and respect their own intelligence.

So I'm happy to be moving on--but incredibly sad at what I will be leaving behind.

Taking Control

Day one of take control:

I applied for 7 jobs today and revamped and edited both my CV and my work resume.

I know I'm making mistakes doing too much too quickly and I need to slow down in my application process, but I will feel better as soon as I have found a job post August.

I could always just stay here in DC with the job I already have, but I have felt since last November that my time in DC is up.

And so I'm honoring that feeling, and moving on.

I have known that I would need to get a phd ever since I finished my masters. I finally found a phd program that fits me.

It's a phd in Education, Culture and Society at the University of Utah.

Here are some of the course requirements:

Every student must complete 6 hours in each specialty area and 9 hours in educational theory. See courses below.

a.History, Philosophy and Sociological Studies (6 hours)
b.Language, Culture and Curriculum (6 hours)
c.Educational Theory (9 hours)

I have died and gone to heaven.

Literally.

I want this.

This is exactly what I want.

And so I'm taking control and I'm taking hold of the life that I want.

I have missed the deadline for this fall--which is great--I can explore all sorts of options this fall. I've applied for jobs in NYC and Utah. If I get a job in NYC--I'll still do the show in NYC and move to Utah in the spring as planned.

If I get a job in Utah, I'll develop residency in Utah before starting the phd program and save some money living with my grandma. (Granted, I won't live there too long.) Life in Utah is so much cheaper than life in NYC. And I really love the idea of being near family again. I left Utah 8 years ago this coming August. It's time to go back.

I feel so much better than I did 24 hours ago.

Tonight, I will sleep like a baby.

Insomnia

I feel positively undone.

I feel like a mess.

I can feel my future bearing down on me and I'm scared to death.

In exactly 8 weeks I will receive my last paycheck.

I am freaking out.

I keep replaying my decisions over and over again.

Taking the gig in NYC is the right decision. I will find a job there. Everything will be fine.

I'm freaking out.

It is 3:45am and I have to be up at 7am.

I keep replaying things about Chris in my mind. I finally came the conclusion that whatever "problems" might exist in our relationship, it's not about him. It's about me. This isn't some "I have low self-esteem" thing going on. What I mean is that I'm realizing that I'm realizing that problems in my own life--and with myself--aren't reflective on the guy or the relationship with the guy. I'm feeling nervous about the move to NYC. But rather than looking at that head on, this weekend I've been feeling nervous about things with Chris. I learned that just because you have feelings for a guy, it doesn't mean that ALL of my feelings are reflective of or wrapped up in one particular relationship. As I discover this, I realize that I can just enjoy Chris and work on myself on my own time. I don't have to always tie up all my feelings into a nice neat little bow.

These are little things that I'm learning. For those of you who have been in relationships for years, these things might seem obvious--but I haven't made it a habit to be in a longterm relationship.

It's all new to me.

Having said that--I really need to work on me right now. Not us. Just me. I need to feel better about myself right now. I need to reevaluate my relationship with God and really feel good about who I am and what I'm choosing to do with my life.

These kinds of evaluations scare me a little. They usually involve promises that I make to myself that I undoubtedly end up breaking. And then I'm depressed about my inability to keep promises. But you wanna know the lovely thing about my friend Chris? He loves me whether I am horrible at keeping goals or whether I am wonderful at it. I know I should expect the same from myself--and I'm working on it--but it sure is nice.

But I still can't sleep.

Saturday

Yesterday was a crazy busy day.

I feel stretched so thin right now. I am playing hooky from church today.

Don't judge me. I have my visiting teaching scheduled. I just have no obligations to play the piano, lead music, or visit anyone and I just want to take advantage of it and stay in my Iowa pajama bottoms and my worn out tee shirt and read a good book.

I'm going to make a short list of what I did yesterday.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Granted--it was a great day. I feel blessed, but for a girl who is happiest kicking back at home with friends and lovers--this was a bit too much.

1) I went to graduation at Stratford University. Congratulations students!

2) I saw Lawrence Fishburne in his one-man play Thurgood. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. 2 hours of pure, inspiring storytelling.

3) Christina and I left the luminous Marcia and we went to a great Mexican Restaurant where we ate fresh guacamole.

4) I bought a fake Prada purse from a street vendor named Phillip who is here from Sierra Leone. We talked about how Africa is doing. I'm pretty convinced that I need to figure out a way to go to Africa.

5) I went to a yogurt shop and had lemon, red velvet cake, and mango frozen yogurt, while I read from the last book of the Fablehaven series.

6) I joined a group of friends and saw Mrs. Warren's Profession at the Shakespeare Theatre Company. The play was meh. The performances were great. The interpretation and the direction was vague and diluted by an obvious misinterpretation of Mr. Shaw's intentions. You misinterpret the playwright--or try to wrangle his interpretation to fit your own view of life and well--you get vague slop. Regardless of whether the actors are genius or not. The set was beautiful though. Because that's what the Shakespeare Theatre does best. Sets. Which is ironic when you think about original staging practices.

7) I went grocery shopping for food.

The end. That was my day.

And now I am tired.

Nick

Nick just graduated from high school. And now he's off to conquer the world in Provo at BYU.

I can't believe how tall he is! He's 6 ft 3!

He's such a good kid. I'm so proud of him.

He cracks me up. He has this genealogy program on his computer and he has loaded over 200 pictures onto the computer. You can click on any name and see a picture and it hooks you up with a wiki page about what life was like at that place and time. It's so awesome.

While I was in Utah, me, mom and dad sang in church an arrangement of a hymn that Mozart had written. The words are pretty hell fire and damnation--not my favorite topic--but the music was beautiful. Nick played the piano.

Cache Valley

How can you not love this view?

Ghost

Tonight I went for a walk in my green dress and flip flops.

I listened to Indigo Girls' "Ghost".

I love this song.

I want to write songs, but I'll never be able to write a song like this one.

It is the most beautiful song in the world.

Here are the lyrics for your enjoyment.

Ghost

Words and Music: Emily Saliers

There's a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever of the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams

The Mississippi's mighty, but it starts in Minnesota
At a place where you can walk across with five steps down
And that's just how you started like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown

There's not enough room in this world for my pain
Signals crossed and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits I need you the most
I'm in love with your ghost
I'm in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret it gets whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul)
And when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don't
tell a soul)
When you kiss me like a lover and you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper

And I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
But I would walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
Dance the edge of sanity I've never been this close
In love with your ghost

Delta Spirit

Delta Spirit.

They're coming to DC on July 3rd.

They're going to be in SLC on Tuesday, June 15th.

They're playing with Ezra Furman & The Harpoons.

I think this will be an AMAZING concert.

I encourage friends far and near to go to this concert. If you're in DC, I'm trying to get a large group of friends to go with me on July 3rd.

Come with!

my tummy hurts

Let me start by saying, I learned my lesson last week.

I haven't had dairy in a while, and I discovered after eating some cheese last week, because I was on vacation, that my tummy hurts when I eat dairy.

So Sunday night, I ate 3 ice cream sandwiches, and yesterday I ate a cheesy steak calzone for lunch and for dinner I had sliced tomatoes and mozarella cheese.

Why did I did this to myself you ask?

Why???

I am wondering the same thing.

I slept all day yesterday though, and now it's 6:20am and I've been up groaning and moaning like an idiot since 3 am.

I took pepto.

Nothin.

I made an offering to the porcelain god. (I'm pretty adept at vomiting at will.)

Nothin.

My tummy still hurts.

Never again!! I hereby relinquish my love for cheesy goodness.

Au revoir my friends! I loved you whence.

Of course, perhaps if I hadn't loved ye quite so much, I wouldn't be so dang fat. So perhaps we really shouldn't be friends anymore.

It's sad when you discover that the friends you love most are the ones who hurt you the most.

Why ice cream sandwiches, why??!

Ezra Furman and the Harpoons

They're going to be playing at the Urban Lounge in Salt Lake City, Tuesday June 15th.

They're playing at the 930 Club in DC on July 3rd.

I luhhhhve this band.

If you get a chance--GO!!

Check out this great video. Ezra's voice reminds me of Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes.



I'm so excited to see this band live!

Can you tell how happy I am to be traipsing through the countryside?

Must figure out a way to make a permanent move.

Home

My shadow in a farm field near my home.

How do you not love mountains like these?

I was in awe for most of the time I was home last week. I had to remind myself to just sit back and enjoy and put the camera away.

Welcome to the our home! The yellow door should inspire you to be happy!

It's been forever! I've been in Utah soaking up the beauty of the Rocky Mountains. Oh how I have missed Utah in the Spring! It is so beautiful!

Note the freshly mowed lawn. This was the first thing I did on Saturday morning. Oh how I love to mow the lawn!