Christmas Gratitude

I'm having a little pity me moment right now. Little insidious thoughts of what might have been are creeping in at me. Needling questions about what I should have done differently, how I might have changed, or things I could have said, or better yet--not said--creep in at my heart and weigh it down tonight.

The holidays are a horrible time for reflecting on all the things we don't have.

I need to make a conscious effort to list all of the things I am grateful for right now.

1) I have a job.
2) I have a job interview on Monday for a very good job that provides me the opportunity to work in my field and make enough money to live off of.
3) I have a lovely new apartment.
4) I have numerous friends who love me and bless my life with their prayers and kindness.
5) I have a mother who is there for me to laugh with me, discuss new ideas, and to believe in me when I lose hope.
6) I have a step-father whose generosity of spirit helps me to float through dark times.
7) I have a step-mother whose kind spirit provides a beautiful example of unconditional love.
8) I have a father I can share almost anything with and I know he will provide me with simple wisdom.
9) I have music. I have jokes on my phone to read that make me smile. I have a lovely new mattress.
10) I have a life of beautiful memories. I look back at beautiful joys shared with individual friends. I think of times spent under the stars, in the woods, on a comfortable old couch, on the back steps, on a long drive, at Ihop or Denny's...I remember performances at any number of plays I've had the privilege of working in. I remember hearing beautiful music for the first time.

There is so much joy.

And yet one loss continues to break my heart. Ugggh. The depressing thing is it really is only one person. How utterly pathetic!

And when I think about it--by losing this one person--what unhappiness did I lose? I can imagine what joy there might have been--but I can't possibly know all the misery I might have been saved from? I'm falling prey to the temptation of imagining how wonderful it could have been--but I don't know that.

I can't know for sure what might have been, so there's absolutely no point in dwelling on that. I only know what I have right now.

I am grateful.

And I am resolute. I will not dwell on an imaginary future or a past that I can do nothing to change. I will live joyfully and gratefully in the moment today. And love the people, all the beautiful people, who choose to love me and have me in their lives. And pity those who don't. Suh there.