I deleted this post. The name is this blog is All About Evey--not all about the drama of Eve's friends.
If I wanna air my dirty laundry--I will--but despite wanting to figure out things about this friend--and writing this was helpful and I learned a lot--I don't think it's fair for me to keep published a story about someone else's life.
So I'll keep to stories about my own drama. And to make sure that I'm posting on a more regular basis, I'm going to go out and create lots of horrible and exciting drama!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Pet Sitting
I am petsitting to make some money to pay the rent.
Here are the glorious details of this beautiful adventure.
Bloo is part black lab/part siberian husky. She's still a puppy really. She has giant paws with sharp nails. She likes to jump up on me to show me that she loves me. She loves to play ball. Sometimes when we play I am standing and she bounds towards me with the ball, crashing into me with her teeth, her claws and her whole body. I have all sorts of scratches all over from this fun pasttime.
I have adapted the game in order to preserve my life. Now I sit in a reclining love seat and watch tv. I open up the doors. I throw the ball down the hall. The dog bounds off after the ball and brings the drool covered tennis ball back to me. I make her release it so that it will roll towards my hip. I do not grab the ball from her snarling mouth. Then I throw the ball again. The funny part is that she is so much like the little dog on Toy Story 3. She'll trot towards me with the ball and then see another toy she wants to play with. She'll drop the ball and play, then go after the ball, but see something else she wants to play with.
The game consists of Me: Throw. Sit and watch some random tv show. Bloo: Bounds towards ball. Plays with bone. Plays with piece of wood. Plays with chew toy. Brings ball to me. Me: Throw. Sit and watch random tv show.
It is enjoyable for both of us. And less painful.
The cat.
The cat is very old and suffering from a kidney disorder that makes her pee and poop everywhere. She is confined to one room. This room is smelly. Every morning I clean up the pee and the poop and feed her. That's pretty much it. When I agreed to do this, I was most concerned about the grossness of dealing with a litter box. I shouldn't have been concerned. This is worse. Much worse.
But I'm making money over the holidays during a time when I can't substitute. So I am indeed grateful for this chance to make some money.
Here are the glorious details of this beautiful adventure.
Bloo is part black lab/part siberian husky. She's still a puppy really. She has giant paws with sharp nails. She likes to jump up on me to show me that she loves me. She loves to play ball. Sometimes when we play I am standing and she bounds towards me with the ball, crashing into me with her teeth, her claws and her whole body. I have all sorts of scratches all over from this fun pasttime.
I have adapted the game in order to preserve my life. Now I sit in a reclining love seat and watch tv. I open up the doors. I throw the ball down the hall. The dog bounds off after the ball and brings the drool covered tennis ball back to me. I make her release it so that it will roll towards my hip. I do not grab the ball from her snarling mouth. Then I throw the ball again. The funny part is that she is so much like the little dog on Toy Story 3. She'll trot towards me with the ball and then see another toy she wants to play with. She'll drop the ball and play, then go after the ball, but see something else she wants to play with.
The game consists of Me: Throw. Sit and watch some random tv show. Bloo: Bounds towards ball. Plays with bone. Plays with piece of wood. Plays with chew toy. Brings ball to me. Me: Throw. Sit and watch random tv show.
It is enjoyable for both of us. And less painful.
The cat.
The cat is very old and suffering from a kidney disorder that makes her pee and poop everywhere. She is confined to one room. This room is smelly. Every morning I clean up the pee and the poop and feed her. That's pretty much it. When I agreed to do this, I was most concerned about the grossness of dealing with a litter box. I shouldn't have been concerned. This is worse. Much worse.
But I'm making money over the holidays during a time when I can't substitute. So I am indeed grateful for this chance to make some money.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Driving with Girls
My sister Bethany is learning to drive and because I'm the only person she knows who has an automatic--I'm the lucky girl who is teaching her!
Teaching someone to drive is the scariest thing in the world. Scarier than predatory birds. Scarier than clowns. Scarier than evil toddlers.
She studied long and hard before we got behind the wheel and is sufficiently humbled by the task, but she has sooo little experience driving. The other thing that scares me is that I'm responsible to make sure that she is a good driver once she gets her license. I don't want to forget to teach her anything!
We started off driving around Rose Park. We drove around the neighborhood, parking lots, and practiced three point turns. The next trip--I took her out at night and we want on bigger highways and practiced left hand turns at lights. We drove up 300 West, around the Capitol, past the temple and back to her apartment.
The next trip we drove from 600 North and Redwood Road down to 4500 south and over to State Street and back up State Street. It was 1pm, so traffic wasn't too bad, but it was still pretty busy.
We practiced changing lanes and she did a great job turning left on some pretty scary roads. I didn't drive on anything that complicated until later in my driving, but the girl lives in downtown SLC, so she's gotta get used to the busy roads.
The next trip--we drove on... THE FREEWAY! We went down to the Kmart on 90th South. She was great! I thought I would die. It was so scary. But we made it! And she did a great job! Then we drove back! And she did that too! Wahoo!
Tonight was all about learning to navigate. We drove to the airport--through the airport, and then went west almost to Tooele. I thought it would be good freeway time, but also I wanted her to learn to follow the signs at the airport, etc. By the time we got to the exit for Tooele, my nerves had had it. She's a great driver, but she forgets to keep her foot on the gas. And I was scared. So I drove home. I figured a trip through the airport and out west was enough for one day.
This Christmas, I don't have money for gifts. But I'm trying to give the gift of my time. I'm trying to give words and gifts that are reminiscent of the kinds of gifts Heavenly Father gives to me. Hope, inspiration, love. I'm really not cheap, but I want to focus on giving meaningful experiences and memories. These driving lessons have been a wonderful opportunity to give my little sister a useful life skill and I get to spend time getting to know the sister I barely knew until last year. It's been a real gift for me.
Teaching someone to drive is the scariest thing in the world. Scarier than predatory birds. Scarier than clowns. Scarier than evil toddlers.
She studied long and hard before we got behind the wheel and is sufficiently humbled by the task, but she has sooo little experience driving. The other thing that scares me is that I'm responsible to make sure that she is a good driver once she gets her license. I don't want to forget to teach her anything!
We started off driving around Rose Park. We drove around the neighborhood, parking lots, and practiced three point turns. The next trip--I took her out at night and we want on bigger highways and practiced left hand turns at lights. We drove up 300 West, around the Capitol, past the temple and back to her apartment.
The next trip we drove from 600 North and Redwood Road down to 4500 south and over to State Street and back up State Street. It was 1pm, so traffic wasn't too bad, but it was still pretty busy.
We practiced changing lanes and she did a great job turning left on some pretty scary roads. I didn't drive on anything that complicated until later in my driving, but the girl lives in downtown SLC, so she's gotta get used to the busy roads.
The next trip--we drove on... THE FREEWAY! We went down to the Kmart on 90th South. She was great! I thought I would die. It was so scary. But we made it! And she did a great job! Then we drove back! And she did that too! Wahoo!
Tonight was all about learning to navigate. We drove to the airport--through the airport, and then went west almost to Tooele. I thought it would be good freeway time, but also I wanted her to learn to follow the signs at the airport, etc. By the time we got to the exit for Tooele, my nerves had had it. She's a great driver, but she forgets to keep her foot on the gas. And I was scared. So I drove home. I figured a trip through the airport and out west was enough for one day.
This Christmas, I don't have money for gifts. But I'm trying to give the gift of my time. I'm trying to give words and gifts that are reminiscent of the kinds of gifts Heavenly Father gives to me. Hope, inspiration, love. I'm really not cheap, but I want to focus on giving meaningful experiences and memories. These driving lessons have been a wonderful opportunity to give my little sister a useful life skill and I get to spend time getting to know the sister I barely knew until last year. It's been a real gift for me.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving.
My mom is an amazing cook. A... mazing. Everything she cooks, tastes like heaven, and turns to magical calories inside my belly. The turkey was delicious. And the mashed potatoes were beautiful.
The stuffing was gorgeous. Her pie was so tasty. That's right, I said pie. As in singular. Only one.
Granted, there were other desserts, cherry crisp dessert, homemade kit kat bars, a strawberry cheesecake jello that was incredible.... but still... ONLY ONE PIE. This was sad to me.
I have a desire to make another pie. Pie is wonderful. Hmmmm... Perhaps tomorrow.
My brother brought his friend Hegon home with him. It was great having a guest from Korea at home for the holiday. And my mom gave me a bunch of new/old books! My mom is finally taking the time to get rid of some of the stuff they've kept over the years.
One of those things is their car. It's a gorgeous hybrid! If you wanna save loads of money on a good hybrid--the car is only $11,999. It's such a beautiful car. My dad works with cars for a living and they kept copious records. They are the original owners. So if you're a commuter and you wanna save money visit this link on KSL:
Honda Civic Hybrid
Thanksgiving being about gratitude...
I am grateful for my cpap machine. It helps me breathe! And I am ever so grateful to breathe!
I am grateful for my friends. It seems that whenever I feel most lost, some random friend calls. It's uncanny.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior. Sometimes I'm not good at keeping up a relationship with God, but then He inspires someone to call, to write... and I am overwhelmed that H still remembers me.
I am grateful for my talents. They help me to feel like I have something to contribute to the world.
I am grateful for my family. They are so patient with me. I wish I had better lived up to their expectations. It's hard when you plan on growing up to do so much, and it turns out you end up just being a regular old adult with regular old adult problems.
I am grateful for my future. I am grateful for those precious moments when I am wise enough to still have hope in that future.
And I'm grateful for the present. Sometimes I wonder if our lives don't manifest our true desires. Perhaps my present is merely a reflection of the true desire to just enjoy a piece of pie, a good show, and the company of funny friends.
My mom is an amazing cook. A... mazing. Everything she cooks, tastes like heaven, and turns to magical calories inside my belly. The turkey was delicious. And the mashed potatoes were beautiful.
The stuffing was gorgeous. Her pie was so tasty. That's right, I said pie. As in singular. Only one.
Granted, there were other desserts, cherry crisp dessert, homemade kit kat bars, a strawberry cheesecake jello that was incredible.... but still... ONLY ONE PIE. This was sad to me.
I have a desire to make another pie. Pie is wonderful. Hmmmm... Perhaps tomorrow.
My brother brought his friend Hegon home with him. It was great having a guest from Korea at home for the holiday. And my mom gave me a bunch of new/old books! My mom is finally taking the time to get rid of some of the stuff they've kept over the years.
One of those things is their car. It's a gorgeous hybrid! If you wanna save loads of money on a good hybrid--the car is only $11,999. It's such a beautiful car. My dad works with cars for a living and they kept copious records. They are the original owners. So if you're a commuter and you wanna save money visit this link on KSL:
Honda Civic Hybrid
Thanksgiving being about gratitude...
I am grateful for my cpap machine. It helps me breathe! And I am ever so grateful to breathe!
I am grateful for my friends. It seems that whenever I feel most lost, some random friend calls. It's uncanny.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and for my Savior. Sometimes I'm not good at keeping up a relationship with God, but then He inspires someone to call, to write... and I am overwhelmed that H still remembers me.
I am grateful for my talents. They help me to feel like I have something to contribute to the world.
I am grateful for my family. They are so patient with me. I wish I had better lived up to their expectations. It's hard when you plan on growing up to do so much, and it turns out you end up just being a regular old adult with regular old adult problems.
I am grateful for my future. I am grateful for those precious moments when I am wise enough to still have hope in that future.
And I'm grateful for the present. Sometimes I wonder if our lives don't manifest our true desires. Perhaps my present is merely a reflection of the true desire to just enjoy a piece of pie, a good show, and the company of funny friends.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Auditions for To Kill A Mockingbird
Eversince losing my job, life has been continually busy, just without the promise of a steady paycheck.
I was offered a position to teach voice and acting lessons at Midvale Main Street Theatre and I am directing their next production of To Kill A Mockingbird.
Tonight we had the main auditions. It's times like these that I wish I could create a show to include all of the talented actors that come to audition for me. It's hard to turn down actors that are so talented. Because this show is without music, I can't just cast actors as "chorus". It's going to be very difficult next week. I already had to send a couple of rejection letters tonight. It made me so sad because they were such talented girls... uggggghhhhh!!
I want to see if I can make a living teaching voice and acting lessons, directing shows, and substitute teaching. I also want to start teaching college classes again. Wanting something and making it happen are two very different things. I'm trying though! Probably not hard enough...
I have an amazing production team working with me on Mockingbird. Miss Heather is my dramaturg and there isn't anyone in the world more qualified. I feel so lucky to have her on board! Tammy is producing the show, Jan is my costume designer and Cassidy is my set designer. Now we just have to find the perfect Atticus and Scout. We saw some talented actors tonight, but I am looking forward to call backs.
If this all works out, I am going to love my life. As it is right now, my stomach is in knots. I need a little guidance. I feel like wonderful opportunities are mine for the taking if I prioritize my time well.
I was offered a position to teach voice and acting lessons at Midvale Main Street Theatre and I am directing their next production of To Kill A Mockingbird.
Tonight we had the main auditions. It's times like these that I wish I could create a show to include all of the talented actors that come to audition for me. It's hard to turn down actors that are so talented. Because this show is without music, I can't just cast actors as "chorus". It's going to be very difficult next week. I already had to send a couple of rejection letters tonight. It made me so sad because they were such talented girls... uggggghhhhh!!
I want to see if I can make a living teaching voice and acting lessons, directing shows, and substitute teaching. I also want to start teaching college classes again. Wanting something and making it happen are two very different things. I'm trying though! Probably not hard enough...
I have an amazing production team working with me on Mockingbird. Miss Heather is my dramaturg and there isn't anyone in the world more qualified. I feel so lucky to have her on board! Tammy is producing the show, Jan is my costume designer and Cassidy is my set designer. Now we just have to find the perfect Atticus and Scout. We saw some talented actors tonight, but I am looking forward to call backs.
If this all works out, I am going to love my life. As it is right now, my stomach is in knots. I need a little guidance. I feel like wonderful opportunities are mine for the taking if I prioritize my time well.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Dad and Matt's Visit
Last weekend my dad and my brother came to visit. My dad met Kannon for the first time.
We had a great time visiting. It was great to see them. I'm so glad they came from Iowa!
Popop and Kannon. He's such a serious baby. Such a seriously CUTE baby!
This is my brother Matt. He's found his calling as the birdman of Alcratraz.
These are my step-brother Nathan's cutie pie little girls. I remember when these two were born! They're such little angels!
We had a great time visiting. It was great to see them. I'm so glad they came from Iowa!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Must Find Silverlining
I lost my job. Whoopie.
Today is my 2nd day without employment. And I'm officially bored.
During the past three months, I've been working full time, preparing to play Mrs. Lovett and acting as musical director for one of the most difficult musicals...
And now I'm unemployed and the show is up and running.
I've applied to unemployment, I've pumped up my linked in profile, I've self-promoted up the wazoo...
And now I'm watching tv and eating pizza that my dear friend Miss Heather bought for me.
There are a number of things that have gone wrong over the past year... but really... that's just sooo not what I wanna be about.
Here is a list of blessings. Because I came to Utah....
I have been able to get to know my little sister Bethany and her new baby Kannon.
I have been able to spend quality time with my little brother Nick before he goes on a mission.
I got to sing at my cousin Maren's wedding.
I got to stay with my grandma and get to know her better.
I got to play two dream roles--Nurse Rached and Mrs. Lovett.
I have made lifelong friends and reunited with other lifelong friends from days past.
I need to get a new job, but I'd like to make the most of the unemployment time. I'm going to start teaching lessons and substitute teach whenever possible. And I'm going to keep acting! Wahoo!
Today is my 2nd day without employment. And I'm officially bored.
During the past three months, I've been working full time, preparing to play Mrs. Lovett and acting as musical director for one of the most difficult musicals...
And now I'm unemployed and the show is up and running.
I've applied to unemployment, I've pumped up my linked in profile, I've self-promoted up the wazoo...
And now I'm watching tv and eating pizza that my dear friend Miss Heather bought for me.
There are a number of things that have gone wrong over the past year... but really... that's just sooo not what I wanna be about.
Here is a list of blessings. Because I came to Utah....
I have been able to get to know my little sister Bethany and her new baby Kannon.
I have been able to spend quality time with my little brother Nick before he goes on a mission.
I got to sing at my cousin Maren's wedding.
I got to stay with my grandma and get to know her better.
I got to play two dream roles--Nurse Rached and Mrs. Lovett.
I have made lifelong friends and reunited with other lifelong friends from days past.
I need to get a new job, but I'd like to make the most of the unemployment time. I'm going to start teaching lessons and substitute teach whenever possible. And I'm going to keep acting! Wahoo!
The Sweeney Reviews are IN!
This was just posted in the Deseret News. Follow this link.
Blair Howell said this about me: "The showstopping comedic number, “A Little Priest,” doesn’t disappoint, as Dale is partnered with Eve Speer as Mrs. Lovett, Todd’s accomplice. Speer, in fine voice, plays Mrs. Lovett as a barrel of laughs."
He also criticized my opening number--but the night he saw it, I had to use the bathroom, and I ended up running on stage out of breath. It was enough to give me a grand ol' panic attack. But everything else went swimmingly.
This was posted at Backstage. Click here.
And this is what Robert Easton said: "Eve Speer, who played the diabolical pie maker Mrs. Lovett, was also a standout in this show. Despite an early stumble where it appeared to me she momentarily lost her breath during her first song, Ms. Speer didn’t miss a beat the rest of the night, holding her own opposite Jim Dale’s enthralling Sweeney Todd. Although obviously much younger than the role she was playing, Ms. Speer brought great energy to her darkly comic role and her accent was well done."
This was posted on UTBA. Click here.
And here are the kind words of Tony Porter: "Eve Speer was fantastic as Mrs. Lovett. She had a believable accent and the right mix of humor and deceit to make her character quite endearing. She was marvelous in “A Little Priest” and “By the Sea.”
I am so thankful for the friends who have come to see the play! An older woman came up to me and paid me the most lovely compliment. She is a jazz singer. She and her friend said that I was the best Mrs. Lovett that they had ever seen.
I fairly floated home that night.
So happy. So very happy.
Blair Howell said this about me: "The showstopping comedic number, “A Little Priest,” doesn’t disappoint, as Dale is partnered with Eve Speer as Mrs. Lovett, Todd’s accomplice. Speer, in fine voice, plays Mrs. Lovett as a barrel of laughs."
He also criticized my opening number--but the night he saw it, I had to use the bathroom, and I ended up running on stage out of breath. It was enough to give me a grand ol' panic attack. But everything else went swimmingly.
This was posted at Backstage. Click here.
And this is what Robert Easton said: "Eve Speer, who played the diabolical pie maker Mrs. Lovett, was also a standout in this show. Despite an early stumble where it appeared to me she momentarily lost her breath during her first song, Ms. Speer didn’t miss a beat the rest of the night, holding her own opposite Jim Dale’s enthralling Sweeney Todd. Although obviously much younger than the role she was playing, Ms. Speer brought great energy to her darkly comic role and her accent was well done."
This was posted on UTBA. Click here.
And here are the kind words of Tony Porter: "Eve Speer was fantastic as Mrs. Lovett. She had a believable accent and the right mix of humor and deceit to make her character quite endearing. She was marvelous in “A Little Priest” and “By the Sea.”
I am so thankful for the friends who have come to see the play! An older woman came up to me and paid me the most lovely compliment. She is a jazz singer. She and her friend said that I was the best Mrs. Lovett that they had ever seen.
I fairly floated home that night.
So happy. So very happy.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Render Unto Caesar
I just read the following article.
Scout's Honor--written By PETER ZUCKERMAN
In the article, the writer outlines a horrific account of how a young scout leader in Eastern Idaho got away with molesting 27 boys over several years, despite countless warnings that he was a pedophile.
The argument was that his Bishop vouched that he had taken proper steps towards recovery and that he was a returned missionary now.
If you want the full acount, read the article.
After reading the story, I began to ponder a sticking point I have within LDS communities, and perhaps all religious communities--although I can't pretend to know about others since my experience is pretty limited in that regard.
Too many times, we forget that spiritual crimes are also against the laws of the land. But within religious communities, we believe that by simply trying people within spiritual courts that justice has been served. A man who has gone through a repentance process with his Bishop has certainly undergone a spiritual trial of sorts, but it does not excuse his obligation to face his responsibilities as a citizen of the land, as well as a member of a church community.
Render unto Caesar... separation of church and state...
Justice must be served. The bishops job is to help the criminal to find peace, forgiveness and to change through the power of Christ. While spiritually we believe that only God will judge his crimes and know his heart--I believe true repentance can only come after a person pays their debt to society by acknowledging their sins in court and paying for their crimes in order that justice in the land might be served.
So why is it that so many sexual offenders get such limited sentences?
This is one example. I can think of several examples of similar instances where someone guilty of sexual abuse never paid for their crimes within the justice system.
So my soap box tonight is this: when a man or woman breaks a law of the land-- how can they possibly have repented of their crimes until they have paid their debt to society by admitting their actions in court and paying the price that the laws of the land demand?
Scout's Honor--written By PETER ZUCKERMAN
In the article, the writer outlines a horrific account of how a young scout leader in Eastern Idaho got away with molesting 27 boys over several years, despite countless warnings that he was a pedophile.
The argument was that his Bishop vouched that he had taken proper steps towards recovery and that he was a returned missionary now.
If you want the full acount, read the article.
After reading the story, I began to ponder a sticking point I have within LDS communities, and perhaps all religious communities--although I can't pretend to know about others since my experience is pretty limited in that regard.
Too many times, we forget that spiritual crimes are also against the laws of the land. But within religious communities, we believe that by simply trying people within spiritual courts that justice has been served. A man who has gone through a repentance process with his Bishop has certainly undergone a spiritual trial of sorts, but it does not excuse his obligation to face his responsibilities as a citizen of the land, as well as a member of a church community.
Render unto Caesar... separation of church and state...
Justice must be served. The bishops job is to help the criminal to find peace, forgiveness and to change through the power of Christ. While spiritually we believe that only God will judge his crimes and know his heart--I believe true repentance can only come after a person pays their debt to society by acknowledging their sins in court and paying for their crimes in order that justice in the land might be served.
So why is it that so many sexual offenders get such limited sentences?
This is one example. I can think of several examples of similar instances where someone guilty of sexual abuse never paid for their crimes within the justice system.
So my soap box tonight is this: when a man or woman breaks a law of the land-- how can they possibly have repented of their crimes until they have paid their debt to society by admitting their actions in court and paying the price that the laws of the land demand?
Monday, October 3, 2011
Healing
I have had a struggle with my weight for years. When I was 12, I weighed 130 pounds. That doesn't seem like a lot, but when your friends are freaking out because they're over 100 pounds, it's enough to give you a bit of a complex.
I gained 40 pounds my 9th grade year and found myself around 170. I hovered between 170-190 throughout college. On my mission I was about 230. My senior year of college, I got back down to 200.
In 2008, I was about 270. I dropped to 230. In 2010, I was back up to 270. I dropped to 230 again. In 2011, I'm back up to 270.
I don't feel unattractive, but I feel squashed. I feel like all of my organs are squished together.
I feel like the weight gain comes as a result of being easy on myself because everything else is hard.
I know how to lose weight--obvioiusly--but I'm horrible at keeping up with those choices.
I know the rules, I have a bunch of diet food from the last diet. I have my reasons, but I have got to stop hiding from it, stop telling myself "tomorrow" and just do it already.
The big bummer is my 15 year high school reunion is in two weeks. I wonder how much weight I can lose in two weeks! (hardee har har)
Between the weight gain, the heart break, the feeling that I'm in limbo--I haven't felt great. I went to the temple on Wednesday. I spent the whole time trying to find what I needed, and the only thing I could think to ask for was just healing. I just needed healing. My chiropractor described microtears in my muscles that had weakened my back causing it slip out of alignment. I feel like my heart is filled with microtears. I just don't have the strength to carry heart ache the way I could before. My muscle in my heart just isn't strong enough. I went seeking healing.
I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting closer. Last night I went out with a nice guy. Before, I would have allowed myself to "go with the flow" in order to make myself more attractive to him. I would have laughed at his innuendos or taken his suggestion to go to his place to "cuddle". I like cuddling and he wasn't unattractive. But I didn't need what he had to offer. He wasn't right for me, and rather than just going with the flow, I said good night. No good night kiss--no nothin. He wasn't happy with that. But I felt stronger. I felt the microtears in my heart healing a little bit as I stood up for my own needs.
I need to extend my healing from dating to exercising my will power and my power to make healthy eating decisions.
It's only been a few days, but I can feel myself healing, little by little everyday.
I gained 40 pounds my 9th grade year and found myself around 170. I hovered between 170-190 throughout college. On my mission I was about 230. My senior year of college, I got back down to 200.
In 2008, I was about 270. I dropped to 230. In 2010, I was back up to 270. I dropped to 230 again. In 2011, I'm back up to 270.
I don't feel unattractive, but I feel squashed. I feel like all of my organs are squished together.
I feel like the weight gain comes as a result of being easy on myself because everything else is hard.
I know how to lose weight--obvioiusly--but I'm horrible at keeping up with those choices.
I know the rules, I have a bunch of diet food from the last diet. I have my reasons, but I have got to stop hiding from it, stop telling myself "tomorrow" and just do it already.
The big bummer is my 15 year high school reunion is in two weeks. I wonder how much weight I can lose in two weeks! (hardee har har)
Between the weight gain, the heart break, the feeling that I'm in limbo--I haven't felt great. I went to the temple on Wednesday. I spent the whole time trying to find what I needed, and the only thing I could think to ask for was just healing. I just needed healing. My chiropractor described microtears in my muscles that had weakened my back causing it slip out of alignment. I feel like my heart is filled with microtears. I just don't have the strength to carry heart ache the way I could before. My muscle in my heart just isn't strong enough. I went seeking healing.
I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting closer. Last night I went out with a nice guy. Before, I would have allowed myself to "go with the flow" in order to make myself more attractive to him. I would have laughed at his innuendos or taken his suggestion to go to his place to "cuddle". I like cuddling and he wasn't unattractive. But I didn't need what he had to offer. He wasn't right for me, and rather than just going with the flow, I said good night. No good night kiss--no nothin. He wasn't happy with that. But I felt stronger. I felt the microtears in my heart healing a little bit as I stood up for my own needs.
I need to extend my healing from dating to exercising my will power and my power to make healthy eating decisions.
It's only been a few days, but I can feel myself healing, little by little everyday.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sweeney Todd
While I was in All Shook Up, Tammy and Holly mentioned that they wanted to do Sweeney Todd.
I told them I would LOVE to help direct the chorus.
Of course, I wanted to be in the show too.
So right now, I am enjoying one of the most stressful responsibilities I have ever faced. I have spent the last four weeks teaching the cast some of the most difficult music in all of musical theatre history. If you doubt it, listen to this particular gem on youtube:
A Performance "The Letter"
In addition to that, I am playing Mrs. Lovett. I adore this part. It is incredible, but I am at my wit's end trying to find a way to direct the music and play this amazing part at the same time. So far, so good. This is the part of life that I feel I'm good at. I'll post about my lesser strengths later.
Come and see it. It will be amazing. This cast is just wonderful. We open October 28th and play through November 12th. Visit Midvale Main Street Theatre for tickets and information.
Last night, our cast performed The Letter. I was amazed. We still have a month left, but the music is perfection right now. There are other parts of the show that need some work. "God That's Good!" is still kicking our little tushies. I swear Sondheim changes the key 10 times during the song. I sit there plunking away at the piano, and realize that the key signature no longer has 5 flats, it's now got 6 sharps. It's at this point that I begin randomly swearing and screaming. The cast has grown accustomed to my vulgar fits. They're so sweet.
But really--6 sharps? And then on top of that, he throws in random double flats and double sharps.
Throw the tenor treble clef in there where I have to transpose all their music down to the bass clef and I'm ready to throw a hissy fit.
Oh! And forget trying to figure out if it's 4/4 or 6/8. Half the time it's in 5/12! (It's a wonder I don't leave rehearsal with a migraine.) But we usually manage to feel things out and luckily when I'm ready to explode, one of the cast members will step forward and help me find the right counts. It's such a privilege working with this group.
I told them I would LOVE to help direct the chorus.
Of course, I wanted to be in the show too.
So right now, I am enjoying one of the most stressful responsibilities I have ever faced. I have spent the last four weeks teaching the cast some of the most difficult music in all of musical theatre history. If you doubt it, listen to this particular gem on youtube:
A Performance "The Letter"
In addition to that, I am playing Mrs. Lovett. I adore this part. It is incredible, but I am at my wit's end trying to find a way to direct the music and play this amazing part at the same time. So far, so good. This is the part of life that I feel I'm good at. I'll post about my lesser strengths later.
Come and see it. It will be amazing. This cast is just wonderful. We open October 28th and play through November 12th. Visit Midvale Main Street Theatre for tickets and information.
Last night, our cast performed The Letter. I was amazed. We still have a month left, but the music is perfection right now. There are other parts of the show that need some work. "God That's Good!" is still kicking our little tushies. I swear Sondheim changes the key 10 times during the song. I sit there plunking away at the piano, and realize that the key signature no longer has 5 flats, it's now got 6 sharps. It's at this point that I begin randomly swearing and screaming. The cast has grown accustomed to my vulgar fits. They're so sweet.
But really--6 sharps? And then on top of that, he throws in random double flats and double sharps.
Throw the tenor treble clef in there where I have to transpose all their music down to the bass clef and I'm ready to throw a hissy fit.
Oh! And forget trying to figure out if it's 4/4 or 6/8. Half the time it's in 5/12! (It's a wonder I don't leave rehearsal with a migraine.) But we usually manage to feel things out and luckily when I'm ready to explode, one of the cast members will step forward and help me find the right counts. It's such a privilege working with this group.
Las Vegas
Last week, my company took a large group of us to Las Vegas where we stayed at the Pallazzo. We watched Cirque du Soleil (my first time), I went to the spa, I read by the pool, danced, ate amazing food, and read by the pool some more. The suites were gorgeous! It was an amazing experience.
On Saturday night, I didn't make any plans. At 5pm, I left the Cabana by the pool and wandered over to the spa. I spent two hours wandering in a giant plush terry cloth robe from one room to the next. One room would have giant lounging chairs to read on. Another room was stone with heat oozing from the stones. Another room had chairs in the shapes of waves that you could lay back on and watch reflections of water rush in around a drain, over and over again. The Igloo room provided a cool herbal shower. The Crystal Steam room was hot and steamy. The Swedish Sauna was hot and dry. One room had showers: carribean storm, tropical rain storm, and some light rain option that I can't remember. And of course there was the hot tub. I was a happy little nudist bouncing from one room to the next.
After the spa, I went to find something to eat. Instead of saving money, (which I should have done), I decided to find a nice restaurant. I wandered into Emeril's restaurant and asked for a seat at the bar facing the kitchen. I spent the meal reading and watching the chefs run like mad around the kitchen. The food was incredible. I enjoyed a filet mignon and a banana cream pie. The chef across from me began to chit chat amicably after the rush died down. It was amazing to watch him cook my steak from start to finish. So cool! I was the only one at the counter, because everyone else was in a large party, laughing and enjoying the food at a table. I feel like I enjoyed the better experience though. Sometimes being alone has its definite perks.
Friday night, we ate dinner at a beautiful Italian restaurant. I enjoyed homemade pasta. It was incredible! The company paid for everything. My coworkers enjoyed unlimited amounts of red and white wine. I enjoyed unlimited amounts of water! :)
After dinner, we all dressed for the club and went to Club Lavo. The club was okay. It was packed to the hilt. And we were packed in like cattle. I loved the theme. As you walk into the club, there are beautiful old faucets running. It's difficult to describe. At the club, ladies in Grecian robes pretend to bath themselves in front of you. And of course, the cocktail waitresses were all in black lingerie, because what else are you going to serve drinks in?
It was an amazing weekend.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Update August 2011
This past week has been crazy.
1) I had a sleep test and I am positive I have sleep apnea. So, yippee for me! The doctor just has to confirm it, but the med techs are positive, and they know their stuff.
2) I started and ended a relationship with a very nice guy. We had dated back in May a couple of times, but I didn't think we had enough in common. Then three weeks ago, we started talking again. We went out a few times. I like him a lot. He's just a nice guy. But after I told him I didn't wanna date him in May, he went and got engaged to another girl and she broke his heart. So, even though there's a mutual liking going on--he's still healing... So things are on pause right now. It makes sense. But it's gonna be tough to let him go this time. It was fun going to the baseball game and holding hands and just enjoying time spent together. Ah patience.... I hate you.
3) I spoke in church yesterday! Ack! It was such a nice opportunity to study the gospel and learn something new. I talked about the need for prophets. I realized that living prophets give us a rich opportunity to practice faith in times of difficult. That practice can help to sanctify us and we can learn the love of the Savior.
4) I'm sleeping with oxygen every night. Holy hannah, what a difference that makes!
5) I'm still at a loss as to what to do with my life/career. I just wanna be right now.
The fact is, I have been waking up 3 to 4 times a night every night for ages. I've been absolutely exhausted throughout the day. Finally, I have the health insurance to pay to diagnose and treat the sleep apnea that I believe I've had for years. So, I may have given up a better career, but I would never have been able to get this problem diagnosed back in DC. I am here for a reason, and if the only reason is to get this treated so I don't die of a heart attack at 40, then that is a good enough reason for me.
And FINALLY:
6) My half-sister Bethany had a little baby boy! Kannon Roscoe Banks! He's a cutie patootie! She's sooooo young. She's only 18. And the daddy is only 21. But they love eachother, so that's good....
So that's a little update.
I start on Sweeney Todd next week! I am helping with music! I'm so excited!
1) I had a sleep test and I am positive I have sleep apnea. So, yippee for me! The doctor just has to confirm it, but the med techs are positive, and they know their stuff.
2) I started and ended a relationship with a very nice guy. We had dated back in May a couple of times, but I didn't think we had enough in common. Then three weeks ago, we started talking again. We went out a few times. I like him a lot. He's just a nice guy. But after I told him I didn't wanna date him in May, he went and got engaged to another girl and she broke his heart. So, even though there's a mutual liking going on--he's still healing... So things are on pause right now. It makes sense. But it's gonna be tough to let him go this time. It was fun going to the baseball game and holding hands and just enjoying time spent together. Ah patience.... I hate you.
3) I spoke in church yesterday! Ack! It was such a nice opportunity to study the gospel and learn something new. I talked about the need for prophets. I realized that living prophets give us a rich opportunity to practice faith in times of difficult. That practice can help to sanctify us and we can learn the love of the Savior.
4) I'm sleeping with oxygen every night. Holy hannah, what a difference that makes!
5) I'm still at a loss as to what to do with my life/career. I just wanna be right now.
The fact is, I have been waking up 3 to 4 times a night every night for ages. I've been absolutely exhausted throughout the day. Finally, I have the health insurance to pay to diagnose and treat the sleep apnea that I believe I've had for years. So, I may have given up a better career, but I would never have been able to get this problem diagnosed back in DC. I am here for a reason, and if the only reason is to get this treated so I don't die of a heart attack at 40, then that is a good enough reason for me.
And FINALLY:
6) My half-sister Bethany had a little baby boy! Kannon Roscoe Banks! He's a cutie patootie! She's sooooo young. She's only 18. And the daddy is only 21. But they love eachother, so that's good....
So that's a little update.
I start on Sweeney Todd next week! I am helping with music! I'm so excited!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My Hurt Back
I threw my back out. It is just swell. But it has reminded me of all the people who care about me. It's been very lovely.
Here's the story. I will make it as magical as possible.
First, I went to bed at 6:30pm Sunday night because I was tired. At 9:30pm, I woke up and watched some stupid television until 11pm and then dropped off to sleep again. I was tired!
I woke up at 7am--a half hour earlier than usual. I happily hopped up and got in the shower. As I was tossing my hair forward to put it in a towel, I felt the lower left side of my back go out.
No biggie! I'll just do some yoga! I got time!
So I stretched and stretched and waited for the back to just pop back into place. Back into a happy happy little place!
This didn't happen.
I decided to go to Walmart to walk around and pick up some fruit and veggies.
Then I went to work and I was still in a swell mood--albeit, I couldn't walk.
I made an appt to go and get my back adjusted at lunch.
I thought I would just go in and he would pop it into place.
He massaged my lower back with an awesome massagy thingy. I was so happy. Sooooo happy.
And then he stopped.
He casually said, "Okay! Get up!"
I couldn't. I sat there and tried to move. I couldn't move my hips. I felt paralyzed. He asked if it was painful. It didn't seem very painful. I just couldn't physically move. I think it was painful, but it didn't feel sharp. Tears streamed down my face. He had me lay back down and he did the massagy thing a little longer.
And then instead of getting up, I rolled off the table and crawled like a baby out of the office.
Dear Heather came and took me to my apartment. The doctor prescribed rest. He gave me a cool note.
Then Joe brought me a heating pad and ice and ibuprofen.
Then Kristi brought me my book from work.
Tuesday, Katie and Joe came over and helped me get my car from the doctor's and we went to the pool so I could relax the muscles there.
Then Roger came over and took me to the grocery store.
Today Gabriel came over with a book on how to heal the back.
That's 6 people in three days who took time out to help me out. I am pretty helpless right now. Movement is limited to say the least.
But hopefully I will heal soon enough. The doctor says I have these microtears in my muscles and it makes it difficult to just pop things back into alignment without causing further damage to my muscles. I just have to relax. Apparently moving 4 times in a year isn't great for the back.
It sucks being out for the count, but it's lovely being loved.
Here's the story. I will make it as magical as possible.
First, I went to bed at 6:30pm Sunday night because I was tired. At 9:30pm, I woke up and watched some stupid television until 11pm and then dropped off to sleep again. I was tired!
I woke up at 7am--a half hour earlier than usual. I happily hopped up and got in the shower. As I was tossing my hair forward to put it in a towel, I felt the lower left side of my back go out.
No biggie! I'll just do some yoga! I got time!
So I stretched and stretched and waited for the back to just pop back into place. Back into a happy happy little place!
This didn't happen.
I decided to go to Walmart to walk around and pick up some fruit and veggies.
Then I went to work and I was still in a swell mood--albeit, I couldn't walk.
I made an appt to go and get my back adjusted at lunch.
I thought I would just go in and he would pop it into place.
He massaged my lower back with an awesome massagy thingy. I was so happy. Sooooo happy.
And then he stopped.
He casually said, "Okay! Get up!"
I couldn't. I sat there and tried to move. I couldn't move my hips. I felt paralyzed. He asked if it was painful. It didn't seem very painful. I just couldn't physically move. I think it was painful, but it didn't feel sharp. Tears streamed down my face. He had me lay back down and he did the massagy thing a little longer.
And then instead of getting up, I rolled off the table and crawled like a baby out of the office.
Dear Heather came and took me to my apartment. The doctor prescribed rest. He gave me a cool note.
Then Joe brought me a heating pad and ice and ibuprofen.
Then Kristi brought me my book from work.
Tuesday, Katie and Joe came over and helped me get my car from the doctor's and we went to the pool so I could relax the muscles there.
Then Roger came over and took me to the grocery store.
Today Gabriel came over with a book on how to heal the back.
That's 6 people in three days who took time out to help me out. I am pretty helpless right now. Movement is limited to say the least.
But hopefully I will heal soon enough. The doctor says I have these microtears in my muscles and it makes it difficult to just pop things back into alignment without causing further damage to my muscles. I just have to relax. Apparently moving 4 times in a year isn't great for the back.
It sucks being out for the count, but it's lovely being loved.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Dating Narcissism
Yesterday I found out that the guy I was dating earlier this year--well he's now engaged.
He told me that he wanted to wait three years before marriage. He wanted to wait a year before even CONSIDERING marriage.
I made the mistake of laughing at that and saying, "Sure! whatever!"
And this why he is NOT engaged to me.
I thought about being sad about this. I thought about a few of the guys I've dated and how they are happy with other people now.
When you're dating, you say, "I love you! You're amazing! I wish I could be with you forever!" and then they go off and actually spend forever with someone else.
And regardless of who it is--when they find someone else--even if I really wasn't that into them--I feel jilted.
It's ridiculous! I can't be with every guy I date! There is no truth to this kind of pain. It's stupid! I can't be with everyone. Why shouldn't they find happiness?
It's a kind of narcissism. It's a way of seeing yourself as the center of everyone's universe.
Well, I'm clearly not the center of anyone's universe.
blah.
I have been going out with a nice guy for the past three weeks, but I just don't know. I'm not feeling it. But I tell you, after we break up and he finds someone else and gets engaged--I guarantee I'll feel it then. Silly narcissistic me.
Silly silly me.
He told me that he wanted to wait three years before marriage. He wanted to wait a year before even CONSIDERING marriage.
I made the mistake of laughing at that and saying, "Sure! whatever!"
And this why he is NOT engaged to me.
I thought about being sad about this. I thought about a few of the guys I've dated and how they are happy with other people now.
When you're dating, you say, "I love you! You're amazing! I wish I could be with you forever!" and then they go off and actually spend forever with someone else.
And regardless of who it is--when they find someone else--even if I really wasn't that into them--I feel jilted.
It's ridiculous! I can't be with every guy I date! There is no truth to this kind of pain. It's stupid! I can't be with everyone. Why shouldn't they find happiness?
It's a kind of narcissism. It's a way of seeing yourself as the center of everyone's universe.
Well, I'm clearly not the center of anyone's universe.
blah.
I have been going out with a nice guy for the past three weeks, but I just don't know. I'm not feeling it. But I tell you, after we break up and he finds someone else and gets engaged--I guarantee I'll feel it then. Silly narcissistic me.
Silly silly me.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm Making a List
I am doing my best to whittle away the problems that weigh on my mind.
Which is way more than I've been doing.
So here are the steps I've taken--this isn't interesting--but it's cathartic.
1. I went to the doctor last night to check out my unhealthy feelings. I'm going to have a sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea. And I have medicine for other stuff.
Check... One step closer to happy.
2. I ate a Fiber One bar, brocolli, dairy free shepherd's pie, cherries, a half a piece of chicken, tortilla soup, and grapes and apples with walnuts.
You will note:
NO Ice cream!!
Check.... another step to bliss.
3. I went for a walk!
Check.... shika POW!
4. I ate dinner with two very good friends. It was a nice evening. I mentioned to Gabe that I was going to try to lose some weight.
Brace yourself....
He replied,
"Why?"
Check.
Which is way more than I've been doing.
So here are the steps I've taken--this isn't interesting--but it's cathartic.
1. I went to the doctor last night to check out my unhealthy feelings. I'm going to have a sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea. And I have medicine for other stuff.
Check... One step closer to happy.
2. I ate a Fiber One bar, brocolli, dairy free shepherd's pie, cherries, a half a piece of chicken, tortilla soup, and grapes and apples with walnuts.
You will note:
NO Ice cream!!
Check.... another step to bliss.
3. I went for a walk!
Check.... shika POW!
4. I ate dinner with two very good friends. It was a nice evening. I mentioned to Gabe that I was going to try to lose some weight.
Brace yourself....
He replied,
"Why?"
Check.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Random Self-Portrait
I don't have a clue when I took this. Sometime in May I think.
During May I started dating a really nice guy. It was really nice. It made me think that maybe there was a really nice pot of gold at the end of this horrifying rainbow.
He was great. So sweet. We started dating when he told me that he was afraid of how much he liked me. And he told me he thought I was so pretty.
It was great.
And then he told me he wanted me to lose weight.
And then he told me he felt claustrophobic.
And then I told him to go away for a week.
And then he told me that he felt like it was over.
And it was.
Sooooo.... yea.
I still go out probably once or twice a week with random guys. Some nice, some interesting.
I'm doing my best to play the game and to be open to whatever glorious love life has to offer. But honestly, dating is just not fun anymore.
I'm so wary of getting hurt for the 50 zillionth time again. So I don't really even see the point.
In other personal news, I have a large bone spur on the right side of my jaw. It's weird.
And another little health concern that I'm going to the doctor about... it's too gross to share online. But I'm sure it's no big deal.
Oh, and I'm peeling from my time at the pool last weekend.
In other news, I'm a huge fan of Doctor Who now thanks to the nice guy I dated in May.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Picture From the Wedding
Maren and Jake dancing at the wedding. I wish I knew how to enter these pics in a group... oh well. Technology... there was a time when I cared enough to get to know how to work all this stuff.... now....
I just don't.
More Family Reunion
Little Jossilyn playing with her grandma--my Aunt Mary Lou. Bethany--my baby sister-- is having a baby in August. My Nana and Popop are both nearly 90. They're in really great shape for their age. I come from good peeps.
My cousin Maren is absolutely one of the most beautiful people in the world. She looks like Pocahontas. And her daughter is a cutie little red head with the whitest little jiggly thighs... she reminds me of me. tee hee hee.
Here's a Blog Crystal. I love you dearie.
Dreams... Gratitude...
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm sad. I cry too much. But I don't have the energy to be sad around other people. So in public, I am just the most endearing soul. I laugh, I dance. I twirl. I crack jokes. I'm truly amazing.
Work is good in that I have a job. It's good to have work. I am grateful for this.
Over and over again, when people find out I have my masters and I'm working in sales...
But I have full health benefits.
And I get to go home at 6pm every single night. And I have weekends.
And the sun is shining. The sun. Is. Shining.
I am sitting on a lovely comfortable chair that my mom gave me, watching a television that Heather gave me... I am blessed.
Every time I sit down to type I am sad, but I know I shouldn't be.
For goodness sake, I'm on antidepressants!!
But today I drove past Chris's work. I saw his car. I listened to Adele. And I cried. I cried and I cried.
It's been four months since he called and told me that he still loved me. And that he was marrying another woman. Four months. And my heart still breaks every single day.
So this is my blog. This is my effort to not be a total mess. To show some gratitude. To be okay in spite of the fact that I can't see beyond my current pain.
I'm trying. I'm really really trying. I'm doing everything I know how to do to be all right. But I completely and utterly suck at life right now.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm sad. I cry too much. But I don't have the energy to be sad around other people. So in public, I am just the most endearing soul. I laugh, I dance. I twirl. I crack jokes. I'm truly amazing.
Work is good in that I have a job. It's good to have work. I am grateful for this.
Over and over again, when people find out I have my masters and I'm working in sales...
But I have full health benefits.
And I get to go home at 6pm every single night. And I have weekends.
And the sun is shining. The sun. Is. Shining.
I am sitting on a lovely comfortable chair that my mom gave me, watching a television that Heather gave me... I am blessed.
Every time I sit down to type I am sad, but I know I shouldn't be.
For goodness sake, I'm on antidepressants!!
But today I drove past Chris's work. I saw his car. I listened to Adele. And I cried. I cried and I cried.
It's been four months since he called and told me that he still loved me. And that he was marrying another woman. Four months. And my heart still breaks every single day.
So this is my blog. This is my effort to not be a total mess. To show some gratitude. To be okay in spite of the fact that I can't see beyond my current pain.
I'm trying. I'm really really trying. I'm doing everything I know how to do to be all right. But I completely and utterly suck at life right now.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Depressed--need to laugh...
This is Cartman killing someone from 1776. It makes me laugh.
And this is naked Cartman.
I've been really tired and bummed out all day.
I just found out my dad is getting a divorce from his wife of 13 years. It's no exaggeration to say that I have spent more time with her than him over the past decade. She's wonderful and I'm ticked off.
So I stayed in all day because I had 0 obligations. I didn't go to church. I just watched Friday Night Lights, Doctor Who and now I'm watching South Park. And the South Park episodes are cracking me up.
I feel fat and horrible. I get to go and see my dad this weekend at my cousin's wedding. My cousin's baby is absolutely gorgeous. Here is a picture of her holding her baby girl. I want a little red headed girl....
But no... instead I'm alone. And life sucks. And I hate it.
And I'm going to go to the wedding where all my family members will try to "help me" by pointing out all the ways I could improve myself so that I can catch a man...
"You know Eve, have you considered marrying a guy who isn't mormon?"
"You know Eve, most men just don't want to be with a woman of your size... not on a long term basis anyway."
"So why exactly did you get your masters if you're not using it now?"
Kill. Me. Now.
And this is naked Cartman.
I've been really tired and bummed out all day.
I just found out my dad is getting a divorce from his wife of 13 years. It's no exaggeration to say that I have spent more time with her than him over the past decade. She's wonderful and I'm ticked off.
So I stayed in all day because I had 0 obligations. I didn't go to church. I just watched Friday Night Lights, Doctor Who and now I'm watching South Park. And the South Park episodes are cracking me up.
I feel fat and horrible. I get to go and see my dad this weekend at my cousin's wedding. My cousin's baby is absolutely gorgeous. Here is a picture of her holding her baby girl. I want a little red headed girl....
But no... instead I'm alone. And life sucks. And I hate it.
And I'm going to go to the wedding where all my family members will try to "help me" by pointing out all the ways I could improve myself so that I can catch a man...
"You know Eve, have you considered marrying a guy who isn't mormon?"
"You know Eve, most men just don't want to be with a woman of your size... not on a long term basis anyway."
"So why exactly did you get your masters if you're not using it now?"
Kill. Me. Now.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
All Shook Up!
We opened our new show this weekend!
It's been such a joy performing in this show. It's a fun, happy musical with a dance that involves old ladies doing a kick line with walkers.
It's beyond hilarious.
I love doing community theatre because it gives me a chance to really work with teenagers and help them to feel better about themselves. I love the kids and the adults that I'm working with. I love that I'm able to share love with them every night and I remember the profound affect that the older peeps in the casts had on me when I was a teenager. I love that I get to share that same love with others now. It's happy times.
If you're in Utah--go to www.midvaletheatre.com and get your tickets!
We're playing this weekend and the next two weekends. May 6-May 21st or something like that--(we close third weekend, Saturday night).
Show time starts at 7. Matinees at 2 on Saturdays. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Come see the show! I get to sing a fantastic solo!
It's been such a joy performing in this show. It's a fun, happy musical with a dance that involves old ladies doing a kick line with walkers.
It's beyond hilarious.
I love doing community theatre because it gives me a chance to really work with teenagers and help them to feel better about themselves. I love the kids and the adults that I'm working with. I love that I'm able to share love with them every night and I remember the profound affect that the older peeps in the casts had on me when I was a teenager. I love that I get to share that same love with others now. It's happy times.
If you're in Utah--go to www.midvaletheatre.com and get your tickets!
We're playing this weekend and the next two weekends. May 6-May 21st or something like that--(we close third weekend, Saturday night).
Show time starts at 7. Matinees at 2 on Saturdays. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Come see the show! I get to sing a fantastic solo!
Friday, April 29, 2011
A happier life
Life is good right now.
I'm still not very good at it, but I feel like I'm in a better position than I was a year ago.
This is strange to say since my world has completely flipped on it's head since last year.
It's difficult to describe why things were not so hot last year...
I had a job I loved and I made good money. Ya da.... boring.
But I felt like I couldn't set up roots. I couldn't make a home for myself. I couldn't make a life for myself. Everything was so temporary. Every ten weeks I had a new work assignment, with a new paycheck, new classes, etc. Every ten weeks I'd bide my time to find out if I still had a decent living or not. After trying to get benefits for 3 years, I knew I'd never get them if I stayed there.
And now, I'm in Utah. I am near family and able to support them in their different pursuits. I am in a great job and I finally have a 9-5 schedule so I can do shows at night! In just a couple of weeks I will hit my 90 day probation and I'll have benefits at work!
I feel like I'm finally in a good place. I can set up roots! I can bloom in this place!
For my future, I'd like to work hard everyday for my company, continue to work in the theatre and soon become active in the community. I'd like to serve on various boards and in a few years run for office.
Meanwhile, I just need to get through the next few days without keeling over and dying!
Tomorrow, I work from 9-5, (which always ends up being 9-6) and then I'm off to my cousin's performance in the opera, then Saturday I'm rehearsing all day before performing in a talent show that night.
I am grateful for energy drinks. And now I should go to bed.
I'm still not very good at it, but I feel like I'm in a better position than I was a year ago.
This is strange to say since my world has completely flipped on it's head since last year.
It's difficult to describe why things were not so hot last year...
I had a job I loved and I made good money. Ya da.... boring.
But I felt like I couldn't set up roots. I couldn't make a home for myself. I couldn't make a life for myself. Everything was so temporary. Every ten weeks I had a new work assignment, with a new paycheck, new classes, etc. Every ten weeks I'd bide my time to find out if I still had a decent living or not. After trying to get benefits for 3 years, I knew I'd never get them if I stayed there.
And now, I'm in Utah. I am near family and able to support them in their different pursuits. I am in a great job and I finally have a 9-5 schedule so I can do shows at night! In just a couple of weeks I will hit my 90 day probation and I'll have benefits at work!
I feel like I'm finally in a good place. I can set up roots! I can bloom in this place!
For my future, I'd like to work hard everyday for my company, continue to work in the theatre and soon become active in the community. I'd like to serve on various boards and in a few years run for office.
Meanwhile, I just need to get through the next few days without keeling over and dying!
Tomorrow, I work from 9-5, (which always ends up being 9-6) and then I'm off to my cousin's performance in the opera, then Saturday I'm rehearsing all day before performing in a talent show that night.
I am grateful for energy drinks. And now I should go to bed.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
A boring post about Sleeping
I need to start blogging more regularly again. I'm going to!
This morning, I called in sick because I had to pick up my brother and his friends from the airport. When calling in--you reach an automated system. At the end of the call it says,
Press 3 if you want an automated pick me up.
I pressed 3.
The voice said something to this effect:
We're sorry you're not feeling well, but it'll be all right. Get out from under the covers. The sun will peak through the clouds and everything will be fine! We need you! You're an important part of this company!
I love my new job.
My little brother went to NYC this past week with the BYU Model United Nations team and they took everything! It was great hearing about his trip!
I went home and crashed. I slept all day.
I'm exhausted!
Six hours later, I woke up and went to a ward dinner.
And now I'm home.
My word, what a boring post!
But hey--I wrote!
This morning, I called in sick because I had to pick up my brother and his friends from the airport. When calling in--you reach an automated system. At the end of the call it says,
Press 3 if you want an automated pick me up.
I pressed 3.
The voice said something to this effect:
We're sorry you're not feeling well, but it'll be all right. Get out from under the covers. The sun will peak through the clouds and everything will be fine! We need you! You're an important part of this company!
I love my new job.
My little brother went to NYC this past week with the BYU Model United Nations team and they took everything! It was great hearing about his trip!
I went home and crashed. I slept all day.
I'm exhausted!
Six hours later, I woke up and went to a ward dinner.
And now I'm home.
My word, what a boring post!
But hey--I wrote!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Men and Women
Men and Women...
Women and Men...
Two things happened last week that make me feel like perhaps we haven't come as far as I'd like to think, baby.
(You know the saying, "We've come along way baby!" or something like that...)
My roommate volunteered to help my parents lay tile in their house, which I thought was awesome! My parents were eager for the help, but whenever I'd request a tool or make a suggestion that she had made--they would double check with male friends. At first I couldn't figure out their reaction. Certainly, she needed to earn their trust. She is a virtual stranger to them. But there's this tiny little part of me that wonders if the fact that she is woman didn't have a little bit to do with the lack of trust. I don't think it was on purpose... but there's a little part of me that wonders.
Second example:
My mother has her masters in education and spends her days advising education students. In other words, she is an expert in education. My roommate is finishing her high school diploma. She's taken college classes here and there for years, but she never finished high school. No biggie. Lots of homeschooled kids don't finish. My mom sat and talked with her about her goals and advised her to just take her GED and get it over with. Done and done. No biggie. No need to take all the classes required to finish the diploma. She already nearly has her Associates degree. Big whoop.
A few days later, I saw her working on her classes. I asked her if she was preparing for her GED. She said no. She told me that her boyfriend had told her that it would be better to get her Diploma.
Her boy friend.
Ugggh!!!
For the LOVE!!!
I understand that we all need to prove ourselves in this world, but am I wrong in believing that women are under far more pressure to prove themselves than our male counterparts? My mother has her masters in education. Her boyfriend has no added knowledge about the educational system. But somehow his opinion matters more.
I don't get it.
Another male/female tangent:
My friend Gabe and I were discussing music, religion, logic, atheism, spirtuality--etc... last night.
After approaching these grand topics from very different vantages, I said that the thing I loved about music was that it combined the male virtues of logic and order, (time, notes, tempo, theory) with the female ideals of passion, dynamics and emotion.
He liked that.
We were discussing religion, and he was suggesting that you can't prove God exists. I told him that I hated that our society places more value on tangible and quantifiable objects-- but we ignore the veracity of immeasurable items like love, inspiration, and connection.
He liked that too.
We both agreed that the differences between men and women and the different views we share make the world a better place.
I love our differences, but I do not enjoy needing to prove myself to anyone. Man or woman.
Question: Are women or men the biggest enemy to true equality for women?
Women and Men...
Two things happened last week that make me feel like perhaps we haven't come as far as I'd like to think, baby.
(You know the saying, "We've come along way baby!" or something like that...)
My roommate volunteered to help my parents lay tile in their house, which I thought was awesome! My parents were eager for the help, but whenever I'd request a tool or make a suggestion that she had made--they would double check with male friends. At first I couldn't figure out their reaction. Certainly, she needed to earn their trust. She is a virtual stranger to them. But there's this tiny little part of me that wonders if the fact that she is woman didn't have a little bit to do with the lack of trust. I don't think it was on purpose... but there's a little part of me that wonders.
Second example:
My mother has her masters in education and spends her days advising education students. In other words, she is an expert in education. My roommate is finishing her high school diploma. She's taken college classes here and there for years, but she never finished high school. No biggie. Lots of homeschooled kids don't finish. My mom sat and talked with her about her goals and advised her to just take her GED and get it over with. Done and done. No biggie. No need to take all the classes required to finish the diploma. She already nearly has her Associates degree. Big whoop.
A few days later, I saw her working on her classes. I asked her if she was preparing for her GED. She said no. She told me that her boyfriend had told her that it would be better to get her Diploma.
Her boy friend.
Ugggh!!!
For the LOVE!!!
I understand that we all need to prove ourselves in this world, but am I wrong in believing that women are under far more pressure to prove themselves than our male counterparts? My mother has her masters in education. Her boyfriend has no added knowledge about the educational system. But somehow his opinion matters more.
I don't get it.
Another male/female tangent:
My friend Gabe and I were discussing music, religion, logic, atheism, spirtuality--etc... last night.
After approaching these grand topics from very different vantages, I said that the thing I loved about music was that it combined the male virtues of logic and order, (time, notes, tempo, theory) with the female ideals of passion, dynamics and emotion.
He liked that.
We were discussing religion, and he was suggesting that you can't prove God exists. I told him that I hated that our society places more value on tangible and quantifiable objects-- but we ignore the veracity of immeasurable items like love, inspiration, and connection.
He liked that too.
We both agreed that the differences between men and women and the different views we share make the world a better place.
I love our differences, but I do not enjoy needing to prove myself to anyone. Man or woman.
Question: Are women or men the biggest enemy to true equality for women?
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Every Other Day Diet
Today was a perfectly lovely day.
I woke up late, which is the way it should be. I like sleeping in!
I got ready and had a tasty bowl of oatmeal!
I sang soprano in the choir! I love singing in the choir. I love singing in the choir!
Then... across a crowded room... in walked...
Mike and Maryanne!!
I ran from the stand and hugged them both!
It was wonderful! During the church meeting, I sat next to them and my new friend Revere. It was wonderful. I know I've already said that.
After a great dinner, Maryanne and I started discussing diet ideas.
and I had an inspiration!
I want to start a new diet.
It's called the "Every other day" diet. I'm going to be very very good, every other day. Why? Because I have a tendency to treat every single day like, "The Last Day before I start a very strict new diet".
But with this new diet--I'm going to be very very good and tell myself, Tomorrow--you may have whatever you like, but today I'm going to remember that I am perfectly capable of self-control.
I think it's a good start. A nice moderate beginning. To be real, it's all about a collection of days, so if half of my days are very good, then that's better than nothing!
To end this perfectly lovely day, I'm watching Who's The Boss? But I'm kinda bored with it. I wish Cheers was on.
I woke up late, which is the way it should be. I like sleeping in!
I got ready and had a tasty bowl of oatmeal!
I sang soprano in the choir! I love singing in the choir. I love singing in the choir!
Then... across a crowded room... in walked...
Mike and Maryanne!!
I ran from the stand and hugged them both!
It was wonderful! During the church meeting, I sat next to them and my new friend Revere. It was wonderful. I know I've already said that.
After a great dinner, Maryanne and I started discussing diet ideas.
and I had an inspiration!
I want to start a new diet.
It's called the "Every other day" diet. I'm going to be very very good, every other day. Why? Because I have a tendency to treat every single day like, "The Last Day before I start a very strict new diet".
But with this new diet--I'm going to be very very good and tell myself, Tomorrow--you may have whatever you like, but today I'm going to remember that I am perfectly capable of self-control.
I think it's a good start. A nice moderate beginning. To be real, it's all about a collection of days, so if half of my days are very good, then that's better than nothing!
To end this perfectly lovely day, I'm watching Who's The Boss? But I'm kinda bored with it. I wish Cheers was on.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Plans Schmans
Happy St. Patrick's Day!! I wore green. I ate a shamrock shake. That was the gist of my celebration.
I need to work through something serious.
I moved out to Utah for two reasons. Both were incredibly legitimate reasons to leave a good job.
1) I wanted to pursue things with Chris. I knew I'd never really knew if things would work from across the country.
2) I found a PhD program that was perfect for me.
It has been difficult since coming back. Very difficult.
I stopped dating Chris about 2 weeks after arriving in Utah.
Finding a job has been difficult. I've had three jobs since coming back. I was never as grateful as I should have been for my position in DC.
Well, I've had a few months to see how things would pan out.
Chris married his ex-girlfriend last month.
And I just got word that I was NOT accepted into the PhD program.
So now I'm here.
Here's what I know:
It was not right to stay in Washington, DC. I knew that before I ever met Chris.
I feel like I gave my application all the time and effort that I possibly could. I went to parties, met with two professors, expressed my interest over and over. I played the game perfectly. I should have gotten into the program.
For some reason, unknown to me, that particularly program was not right for me. I would have wasted time and effort and it would have led to a path that was contrary to what it is I am supposed to do.
I feel secure in the knowledge that if it was right for me to pursue that PhD, I would have been accepted.
The same thoughts apply to Chris. I gave that relationship everything. Time, space, love, effort, etc. It didn't work out because he is not the man that God has in mind for me.
So after making my own choices, working hard and qualifying myself for those particular blessings, for reasons beyond my comprehension, Heavenly Father has gently denied me those blessings.
I know that it is because He has better things in store for me. I am content in that knowledge.
But I wish I had some direction as to where to place my efforts. I just want to put my shoulder to the wheel and push forward on this new and greater path.
I need to work through something serious.
I moved out to Utah for two reasons. Both were incredibly legitimate reasons to leave a good job.
1) I wanted to pursue things with Chris. I knew I'd never really knew if things would work from across the country.
2) I found a PhD program that was perfect for me.
It has been difficult since coming back. Very difficult.
I stopped dating Chris about 2 weeks after arriving in Utah.
Finding a job has been difficult. I've had three jobs since coming back. I was never as grateful as I should have been for my position in DC.
Well, I've had a few months to see how things would pan out.
Chris married his ex-girlfriend last month.
And I just got word that I was NOT accepted into the PhD program.
So now I'm here.
Here's what I know:
It was not right to stay in Washington, DC. I knew that before I ever met Chris.
I feel like I gave my application all the time and effort that I possibly could. I went to parties, met with two professors, expressed my interest over and over. I played the game perfectly. I should have gotten into the program.
For some reason, unknown to me, that particularly program was not right for me. I would have wasted time and effort and it would have led to a path that was contrary to what it is I am supposed to do.
I feel secure in the knowledge that if it was right for me to pursue that PhD, I would have been accepted.
The same thoughts apply to Chris. I gave that relationship everything. Time, space, love, effort, etc. It didn't work out because he is not the man that God has in mind for me.
So after making my own choices, working hard and qualifying myself for those particular blessings, for reasons beyond my comprehension, Heavenly Father has gently denied me those blessings.
I know that it is because He has better things in store for me. I am content in that knowledge.
But I wish I had some direction as to where to place my efforts. I just want to put my shoulder to the wheel and push forward on this new and greater path.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
February Update
It's been a really long time since I blogged. Sorry!
Things that have developed in the past few weeks:
1. I got a roommate. I decided that I needed help paying the bills and this friend needed a place to stay. She's wonderful! She's improved the place immensely! It's been great!
2. I started a new job that I really like. It's a sales job, but we get incentives for every little things, which makes all the difference in the world. The powers that be understand that the nature of the job is hardly inspiring, so they've created an amazing corporate culture. So far, so happy!
3. I've been a dating fool. I decided to not date at the beginning of the year, but then I realized that was just stupid. So I decided to put myself out there again. It's been... educational. And fun. And since I've been pretty dang broke--it's provided opportunities to eat out and do fun things! I haven't kept track, but if I think back over the past three weeks, I've been out 8 times. Craziness!!
Sidebar 3a. I never dated in my twenties. I never dated in my teens! What on earth is up with this weird dating explosion in my 30s?? Strange...
4. I've been on anti-depressants for the past 24 days. I can feel a difference. This week will be the ultimate test. I've got two new zits. PMS looms on my horizon. If these pills can get me through this next week, then yippee! I'm a winner!
Things that have developed in the past few weeks:
1. I got a roommate. I decided that I needed help paying the bills and this friend needed a place to stay. She's wonderful! She's improved the place immensely! It's been great!
2. I started a new job that I really like. It's a sales job, but we get incentives for every little things, which makes all the difference in the world. The powers that be understand that the nature of the job is hardly inspiring, so they've created an amazing corporate culture. So far, so happy!
3. I've been a dating fool. I decided to not date at the beginning of the year, but then I realized that was just stupid. So I decided to put myself out there again. It's been... educational. And fun. And since I've been pretty dang broke--it's provided opportunities to eat out and do fun things! I haven't kept track, but if I think back over the past three weeks, I've been out 8 times. Craziness!!
Sidebar 3a. I never dated in my twenties. I never dated in my teens! What on earth is up with this weird dating explosion in my 30s?? Strange...
4. I've been on anti-depressants for the past 24 days. I can feel a difference. This week will be the ultimate test. I've got two new zits. PMS looms on my horizon. If these pills can get me through this next week, then yippee! I'm a winner!
Monday, January 31, 2011
A Long Happy Day
Today was a good day.
I didn't go to bed until 1 am. Not wise.
I got called this morning at 8:30am to sub for a class that started at 8:25am. Yikes! I threw on some clothes and ran to the school.
I was worried about the assignment. It was a middle school classroom of behaviorally challenged students. And they behaved like little angels! The teacher didn't leave any lesson plans, so we had to wing it. The kids were great. I had 5 different periods, but many of the same kids returned to the class throughout the day. I spent one hour playing hangman with the kids and other word games. The kids had fun coming up with their own hangman words to share. In one class, I had them describe what superpower they would choose. In another hour, I read to them the first 3 chapters of Ender's Game in an effort to get them interested in finishing the book after I left.
The principal came in and observed the class during the pre-algebra class. We were talking about different ways they could remember their times tables. You would think that in the 7th grade, they'd know their multiplication tables--but I noticed a lot of them were having troubles. So we were going through some difficult numbers together. The principal seemed pleased. The kids had a great time. And they learned!
It was really satisfying.
I worked on my taxes tonight. I messed up. I need to redo things tomorrow. It's so frustrating because I have to file in two states, and I have to use two different places in Virginia as home offices. It's a wee bit complicated to say the least.
After working on the taxes for 2 hours, I went to family home evening where I met some nice new people at church.
And now, I'm relaxing in front of the television. I might do my nails.
Tomorrow I have to pay the rent. That ain't gonna happen. But I'm still at peace. It will all work out. One really long day at a time.
I didn't go to bed until 1 am. Not wise.
I got called this morning at 8:30am to sub for a class that started at 8:25am. Yikes! I threw on some clothes and ran to the school.
I was worried about the assignment. It was a middle school classroom of behaviorally challenged students. And they behaved like little angels! The teacher didn't leave any lesson plans, so we had to wing it. The kids were great. I had 5 different periods, but many of the same kids returned to the class throughout the day. I spent one hour playing hangman with the kids and other word games. The kids had fun coming up with their own hangman words to share. In one class, I had them describe what superpower they would choose. In another hour, I read to them the first 3 chapters of Ender's Game in an effort to get them interested in finishing the book after I left.
The principal came in and observed the class during the pre-algebra class. We were talking about different ways they could remember their times tables. You would think that in the 7th grade, they'd know their multiplication tables--but I noticed a lot of them were having troubles. So we were going through some difficult numbers together. The principal seemed pleased. The kids had a great time. And they learned!
It was really satisfying.
I worked on my taxes tonight. I messed up. I need to redo things tomorrow. It's so frustrating because I have to file in two states, and I have to use two different places in Virginia as home offices. It's a wee bit complicated to say the least.
After working on the taxes for 2 hours, I went to family home evening where I met some nice new people at church.
And now, I'm relaxing in front of the television. I might do my nails.
Tomorrow I have to pay the rent. That ain't gonna happen. But I'm still at peace. It will all work out. One really long day at a time.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Happy Birthday to me!
Yesterday's birthday might have been the best in ages.
Gifts I received from either myself, God or a friend:
1. Cap'n Crunch with berries for breakfast. (and dinner)
2. Thai food for lunch with a new friend.
3. A new library card!
4. I finally got on anti-depressants!
5. I went to the dollar movie and saw Megamind.
6. I saw The Talented Tenth by Richard Wesley.
7. I get to do a great new show with Lonzo Liggins. We're just figuring things out right now, but it should be great!
8. A new tv! (free gift from friends whose friends are giving it away)
This is seriously one of the best birthdays ever!
I took a bunch of pictures at the Salt Lake Library yesterday to mark the beautiful day.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I give up
Life is such a funny thing.
I haven't blogged in a while because I'm working through a long contemplative place and really--you don't want to hear about it because it's rather boring.
I turn 33 tomorrow. I don't have much of a problem with getting older. I still look young. My friend Kris took headshots of me last week, and I look the same as always. Better probably. At church on Sunday, the relief society president asked me if I was old enough to be in the congregation, since it's for single people over 31. That was nice.
So aging isn't really that big of a deal. There is the whole biological clock worry. I worry that waiting to have kids might affect my chances of having them, but I figure if I was meant to have kids--then something would happen. And if not, then que sera.
I have a friend named Anna who I met while working on my MFA. When I met her, she was 34. She was stunning. Short red hair, a body to die for. She had this amazing ability to confidently move within any circle and make everyone feel respected and loved. As I got to know her, I found out that she had gone through very dark periods of depression. She has a tatoo of a tree on her foot to remind her of a beautiful tree near her hometown that provided hope at a time when she was suicidal.
It was clear that her dark hours had made her empathetic and loving. Her survival gave her confidence. She saw past the intimidating airs people gave off and treated everyone with care, just in case they might be facing a private battle.
At 34, she had found a beautiful zen place. She got married at 36. And now she has a beautiful little girl.
I have another friend who just married a wonderful man--at 36. She runs a great theatre company and is a kind, loving, admirable woman.
Because these women shared their journey with me, I'm less worried about my own crazy journey. I am less afraid of the time that passes or the trials that I face. I see their strength after the battle, and I look forward to becoming a better woman--stronger, kinder, empathetic, and spiritual.
I don't know how I'll spend my days, or who I'll spend my days with. I don't know how I'll pay off my debts or whether I'll ever have children of my own. But for the first time in a really long time, I'm okay with that. I have finally resigned myself to the idea that my little life has a very specific purpose. I have these strange little assignments that I get to fulfill all over the land. People that I am meant to meet, women I'm supposed to learn from, friends I'm supposed to support. It's a strange, unpredictable life. But I feel very strongly that how I spend my time--where I spend my time--means something to God.
So I gladly give up trying to figure out anything else.
I haven't blogged in a while because I'm working through a long contemplative place and really--you don't want to hear about it because it's rather boring.
I turn 33 tomorrow. I don't have much of a problem with getting older. I still look young. My friend Kris took headshots of me last week, and I look the same as always. Better probably. At church on Sunday, the relief society president asked me if I was old enough to be in the congregation, since it's for single people over 31. That was nice.
So aging isn't really that big of a deal. There is the whole biological clock worry. I worry that waiting to have kids might affect my chances of having them, but I figure if I was meant to have kids--then something would happen. And if not, then que sera.
I have a friend named Anna who I met while working on my MFA. When I met her, she was 34. She was stunning. Short red hair, a body to die for. She had this amazing ability to confidently move within any circle and make everyone feel respected and loved. As I got to know her, I found out that she had gone through very dark periods of depression. She has a tatoo of a tree on her foot to remind her of a beautiful tree near her hometown that provided hope at a time when she was suicidal.
It was clear that her dark hours had made her empathetic and loving. Her survival gave her confidence. She saw past the intimidating airs people gave off and treated everyone with care, just in case they might be facing a private battle.
At 34, she had found a beautiful zen place. She got married at 36. And now she has a beautiful little girl.
I have another friend who just married a wonderful man--at 36. She runs a great theatre company and is a kind, loving, admirable woman.
Because these women shared their journey with me, I'm less worried about my own crazy journey. I am less afraid of the time that passes or the trials that I face. I see their strength after the battle, and I look forward to becoming a better woman--stronger, kinder, empathetic, and spiritual.
I don't know how I'll spend my days, or who I'll spend my days with. I don't know how I'll pay off my debts or whether I'll ever have children of my own. But for the first time in a really long time, I'm okay with that. I have finally resigned myself to the idea that my little life has a very specific purpose. I have these strange little assignments that I get to fulfill all over the land. People that I am meant to meet, women I'm supposed to learn from, friends I'm supposed to support. It's a strange, unpredictable life. But I feel very strongly that how I spend my time--where I spend my time--means something to God.
So I gladly give up trying to figure out anything else.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Going from Bad Crazy to Good Crazy
On Thursday I woke up hoping that all would be well.
I rolled out of bed and decided to shower. I left a message on my mom's phone asking for some groceries--applesauce, gatorade, and bananas.
Showering is a bit of a marathon. It requires standing for at least ten minutes. I was so afraid I would fall over, or worse--vomit.
But I felt so clean and lovely when I got out of the shower.
I found silky happy hot pink pajamas.
I ate a couple handfuls of rice krispies.
And then my mommy called. And then my step-dad called. Before I knew it, my dad put me and my laundry in the car and whisked me off to Tremonton.
I've been here since Thursday. My laundry is done.
I'm still weary of eating, but tonight I ate fruit salad, a couple of bites of spaghetti and a piece of celery. This was after eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a few apricots for lunch. Pretty stinking cool.
Today, I played the piano for a little bit. It's the same piano I've been playing since my mom married Brent back in 1991. I kinda just went through the motions though. I plunked the notes, but beyond that, nada.
My lymph nodes feel like hard little peas in my neck right now. I continue to sweat profusely, but the pains are gone. I'm just plain tired.
It's been a really good illness for me. They say that as you fast, your body releases toxins. I've basically been fasting for a good while. So many toxins.... The mind and the body, the memory, all the issues I've been ignoring. . . it's all come up this week. Every pain seems connected to larger issues.
So, I've looked at the issues. I'm trying to be present in my body. Instead of ignoring my pain, to acknowledge it. I want to be here.
But in deciding to be here... I need to find a better way to spend the hours of my life. I need to stop waiting for my life. I need to fill my time with good things, positive things. I need to make the days count.
Even if in deciding this, my life suddenly becomes unpredictable and a little crazy.
I rolled out of bed and decided to shower. I left a message on my mom's phone asking for some groceries--applesauce, gatorade, and bananas.
Showering is a bit of a marathon. It requires standing for at least ten minutes. I was so afraid I would fall over, or worse--vomit.
But I felt so clean and lovely when I got out of the shower.
I found silky happy hot pink pajamas.
I ate a couple handfuls of rice krispies.
And then my mommy called. And then my step-dad called. Before I knew it, my dad put me and my laundry in the car and whisked me off to Tremonton.
I've been here since Thursday. My laundry is done.
I'm still weary of eating, but tonight I ate fruit salad, a couple of bites of spaghetti and a piece of celery. This was after eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a few apricots for lunch. Pretty stinking cool.
Today, I played the piano for a little bit. It's the same piano I've been playing since my mom married Brent back in 1991. I kinda just went through the motions though. I plunked the notes, but beyond that, nada.
My lymph nodes feel like hard little peas in my neck right now. I continue to sweat profusely, but the pains are gone. I'm just plain tired.
It's been a really good illness for me. They say that as you fast, your body releases toxins. I've basically been fasting for a good while. So many toxins.... The mind and the body, the memory, all the issues I've been ignoring. . . it's all come up this week. Every pain seems connected to larger issues.
So, I've looked at the issues. I'm trying to be present in my body. Instead of ignoring my pain, to acknowledge it. I want to be here.
But in deciding to be here... I need to find a better way to spend the hours of my life. I need to stop waiting for my life. I need to fill my time with good things, positive things. I need to make the days count.
Even if in deciding this, my life suddenly becomes unpredictable and a little crazy.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Source of Power
It is so easy to believe that winning the war is impossible.
It is so easy to believe that losing would be so much easier.
It is so much easier to believe the rhetoric and the logic... and stop hoping.
But this is the side I chose.
This is the side I'm on.
This side may lead me on a path of loneliness.
I may never have everything the world could offer me, but Emmanuel will come. And He will rescue Israel. And I will lift up my voice to the heavens and sing with the choirs that welcome the Savior as he descends on clouds of glory. I will raise my voice with those of all those who waited with hope and love for that beautiful day for Emmanuel to come and ransom captive Israel.
Whenever I forget the power of the side I have chosen, I listen to this song. I listen to voice crying for Emmanuel. And then I feel the power of the organ, the horns and the swell of the chorus. Each faithful individual joining in song to conquer doubt and fear in a chorus that smashes all doubt as to God's Supreme power in this universe.
This is the side I choose. It is not easy to choose this, but it is right.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
An Update
I should update folks on my life.
Here are some stats and facts:
I got sick New Years Day.
I worked Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night the fever kicked in. I had a fever ranging between 103 and 101 until Saturday.
Heather and her husband Michael came over Thursday night and he gave me a beautiful blessing.
She brought me saltine fishy crackers. I love them.
I eat apple sauce and fishy crackers. I try eating more. And then I feel sick. So I don't.
I went to church Sunday. I stayed in the lobby. I wanted to be there. I needed to be there.
Monday I went to work for 3 hours. I was in training for a new kind of thing... (boring)... I watched the words swimming on the page and felt all these gross toxic feelings course through my body. It felt horrible.
I got up and left. I couldn't do it anymore.
It's difficult to document this illness because so much of it has to do with the toxic feelings I have about myself. Over and over again, I'm reminded of how loved I am though. So much of my anxiety is this temptation to feel like my life, my existence doesn't matter anyway. And then I get a phone call or a text.
Thank you so much friends. You have no idea how much your love means to me.
I had a really good cry last night with a dear dear friend. She's a miracle worker.
I took a long hot bath.
and then I vomited.
Which is strange considering how little I've eaten in the past week.
But it felt really good, strangely enough.
I slept like a baby after that.
I woke up this morning with new pains, but it's okay. There's a whole lot of toxic crap to work through. And this may ruin my credit and completely destroy me, but I'm okay with it.
Everything will be all right. I may feel like poo, but everything will be okay.
Here are some stats and facts:
I got sick New Years Day.
I worked Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night the fever kicked in. I had a fever ranging between 103 and 101 until Saturday.
Heather and her husband Michael came over Thursday night and he gave me a beautiful blessing.
She brought me saltine fishy crackers. I love them.
I eat apple sauce and fishy crackers. I try eating more. And then I feel sick. So I don't.
I went to church Sunday. I stayed in the lobby. I wanted to be there. I needed to be there.
Monday I went to work for 3 hours. I was in training for a new kind of thing... (boring)... I watched the words swimming on the page and felt all these gross toxic feelings course through my body. It felt horrible.
I got up and left. I couldn't do it anymore.
It's difficult to document this illness because so much of it has to do with the toxic feelings I have about myself. Over and over again, I'm reminded of how loved I am though. So much of my anxiety is this temptation to feel like my life, my existence doesn't matter anyway. And then I get a phone call or a text.
Thank you so much friends. You have no idea how much your love means to me.
I had a really good cry last night with a dear dear friend. She's a miracle worker.
I took a long hot bath.
and then I vomited.
Which is strange considering how little I've eaten in the past week.
But it felt really good, strangely enough.
I slept like a baby after that.
I woke up this morning with new pains, but it's okay. There's a whole lot of toxic crap to work through. And this may ruin my credit and completely destroy me, but I'm okay with it.
Everything will be all right. I may feel like poo, but everything will be okay.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Maliheh Clinic
I walked into the free clinic near my home a little sweaty. I go back and forth between hot and cold--and this was one of the sweaty times. I tried not to get in anyone's way. The place was packed with people. Nurses and doctors in different colored scrubs--
smiling and laughing
patiently speaking with everyone as though they were important...
I wasn't sure if I had any business in the clinic, but I have no money right now (savings have run flat dry and insurance doesn't kick in until February).
A large kid in a University of Utah sweatshirt looked at me and said, "I'm going to find you the nicest nurse here."
I met several of them.
One mothering caregiver came over and immediately said, "Oh honey, you're so pale! And you're sweating! Here, have a seat!" She sat me in a special chair. My eyes began to well with tears. It's probably the illness, but I couldn't stop crying.
I explained my illness and asked for some advice. The nurse said that they couldn't run tests until I was officially a patient. I told her that I understood and asked her if she had any advice for me. She looked at me and said, "I can't send you out there without at least running a strep test!"
Another nurse came and took the swab. (I tried telling her that I knew it wasn't strep...but that's an uninteresting part of the story...and she was insistent.)
I went into the waiting room. I saw this tiny little old Navajo woman. She was so cute. I started to cry.
I saw a poster with a girl on a bathroom floor and the words, "You are not alone." And I started to cry.
I saw a handmade quilt, painstakingly made, with the words, "Love til it Hurts" (Mother Teresa) stitched in the center. And I cried.
I just sat and wept. Now, granted, this was the first time I'd sat up for such a long period of time and my body was crashing--but it was so incredibly moving.
After trying to stay seated, I finally slid onto the floor and curled into a ball and slept for a bit. I just couldn't sit up any longer. But from the floor I could still hear everything around me.
I heard the nurse guide my Navajo grandma through her diabetes treatment. She explained with such kindness, "You have to watch what you're eating. The numbers don't lie! This is important. We wanna keep you around for years to come!"
And I cried.
The strep test came back negative. She told me not to worry about eating, just to drink a lot. And she cared.
It was wonderful.
If you're in Utah, donate to the Maliheh Clinic.
smiling and laughing
patiently speaking with everyone as though they were important...
I wasn't sure if I had any business in the clinic, but I have no money right now (savings have run flat dry and insurance doesn't kick in until February).
A large kid in a University of Utah sweatshirt looked at me and said, "I'm going to find you the nicest nurse here."
I met several of them.
One mothering caregiver came over and immediately said, "Oh honey, you're so pale! And you're sweating! Here, have a seat!" She sat me in a special chair. My eyes began to well with tears. It's probably the illness, but I couldn't stop crying.
I explained my illness and asked for some advice. The nurse said that they couldn't run tests until I was officially a patient. I told her that I understood and asked her if she had any advice for me. She looked at me and said, "I can't send you out there without at least running a strep test!"
Another nurse came and took the swab. (I tried telling her that I knew it wasn't strep...but that's an uninteresting part of the story...and she was insistent.)
I went into the waiting room. I saw this tiny little old Navajo woman. She was so cute. I started to cry.
I saw a poster with a girl on a bathroom floor and the words, "You are not alone." And I started to cry.
I saw a handmade quilt, painstakingly made, with the words, "Love til it Hurts" (Mother Teresa) stitched in the center. And I cried.
I just sat and wept. Now, granted, this was the first time I'd sat up for such a long period of time and my body was crashing--but it was so incredibly moving.
After trying to stay seated, I finally slid onto the floor and curled into a ball and slept for a bit. I just couldn't sit up any longer. But from the floor I could still hear everything around me.
I heard the nurse guide my Navajo grandma through her diabetes treatment. She explained with such kindness, "You have to watch what you're eating. The numbers don't lie! This is important. We wanna keep you around for years to come!"
And I cried.
The strep test came back negative. She told me not to worry about eating, just to drink a lot. And she cared.
It was wonderful.
If you're in Utah, donate to the Maliheh Clinic.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
How to Make Money and Be Happy
I'm sick again.
Yippee!
I'm completely allergic to my life right now.
Things need to change...pronto...
So here are a list of things that make me happy:
Acting
Teaching
Writing
These are the things that I love doing. This is why I got my MFA and MLitt in Shakespeare in Performance because I got to study acting, write, and teach a multitude of workshops.
I spent the last few years working as a professor and an actor.
I need to be doing these things.
My body is physically ill doing anything else.
I didn't think I was such a wimp.
I thought that I could survive doing anything. What an absolute shmuck. I have truly been humbled.
I believe that there are paths in life that we NEED to take and that one way or another, we will be led to those paths.
I am in so much pain right now. Is there really agency when one choice leads to such mind numbing pain??
So I have to figure out a new plan. I've been trying to find a day job with consistent hours that will allow me to do theatre. I've interviewed at a job that would be absolutely wonderful, but I need to figure out a plan where it will be all right if I find out that I didn't get that job.
I've decided to submit writings to 3 places a week. I'm going to visit the various private schools in the area and submit my resume as a substitute teacher. I'm going to allow myself to be gainfully unemployed and try not to have a heart attack. I've got to give myself a chance to be who I am.
Now I need to figure out whether I should eat or not. hmmmm... tummy hurts. need food. uggggh...so painful...
Yippee!
I'm completely allergic to my life right now.
Things need to change...pronto...
So here are a list of things that make me happy:
Acting
Teaching
Writing
These are the things that I love doing. This is why I got my MFA and MLitt in Shakespeare in Performance because I got to study acting, write, and teach a multitude of workshops.
I spent the last few years working as a professor and an actor.
I need to be doing these things.
My body is physically ill doing anything else.
I didn't think I was such a wimp.
I thought that I could survive doing anything. What an absolute shmuck. I have truly been humbled.
I believe that there are paths in life that we NEED to take and that one way or another, we will be led to those paths.
I am in so much pain right now. Is there really agency when one choice leads to such mind numbing pain??
So I have to figure out a new plan. I've been trying to find a day job with consistent hours that will allow me to do theatre. I've interviewed at a job that would be absolutely wonderful, but I need to figure out a plan where it will be all right if I find out that I didn't get that job.
I've decided to submit writings to 3 places a week. I'm going to visit the various private schools in the area and submit my resume as a substitute teacher. I'm going to allow myself to be gainfully unemployed and try not to have a heart attack. I've got to give myself a chance to be who I am.
Now I need to figure out whether I should eat or not. hmmmm... tummy hurts. need food. uggggh...so painful...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My Red Tent
So one of my resolutions is to blog more. Mwa ha ha!
Today is one of those days where it's 9 degrees outside and I can feel myself on the verge of illness. As I walked into the cold air last night after the New Years Festivities, I was overwhelmed as the cold air hit my insides.
Today is the second day of my happy time of the month. I kind of like it when it finally arrives because it means that the horrendous depression inducing pmsing is finally over. I literally reel with emotion for about ten days before I finally start my period. And then it's over and I feel normal again--emotionally.
Physically, I'm in a good deal of pain. I'm completely wiped out. I slept a good part of my day away today. But I'm generally happy.
I feel really blessed right now because I could be going through this during the work week. And that's just not cool. Instead, I'm curled up in bed, nibbling on cereal and oranges. I feel like I'm in my own little Red Tent.
I have a little dillemma. I'd love your advice--dear reader--
Last night, I a friend mentioned that they'd like to get together to talk. I mentioned that I was free Saturday night and Sunday night and asked when he would like to get together. He just needs to vent and he needs a friend to listen--and I am more than happy to be a friend. He never responded to whether he wanted to get together Saturday or Sunday night. I didn't make any plans either way because I'm holed up in my red tent, but a response would have been polite.
I sent 3 polite texts throughout the day--asking about what was going on--with no response. I finally sent a curt response--which he replied to quickly--expressing that he was involved in a family emergency.
He was trying to make me feel bad for being so curt, and selfish for expecting a response. I understand canceling, I understand not having time for a lengthy chat. But a response--a short--"Emergency--can't chat" takes about 4 seconds.
I get that a family emergency is all consuming, but I'm a person. When I'm ignored, it makes me feel like less of a person. I have no intention of mentioning my feelings in this to him because when push comes to shove, my feelings are far less important than the family emergency. But in my little world where all there is is me--my feelings kinda count for something. So here on the bloggy that's about me--I'm going to express my selfish feelings.
I'm not sure what my dilemma is--but if you wanna tell me to be less selfish--I'm cool with that.
Today is one of those days where it's 9 degrees outside and I can feel myself on the verge of illness. As I walked into the cold air last night after the New Years Festivities, I was overwhelmed as the cold air hit my insides.
Today is the second day of my happy time of the month. I kind of like it when it finally arrives because it means that the horrendous depression inducing pmsing is finally over. I literally reel with emotion for about ten days before I finally start my period. And then it's over and I feel normal again--emotionally.
Physically, I'm in a good deal of pain. I'm completely wiped out. I slept a good part of my day away today. But I'm generally happy.
I feel really blessed right now because I could be going through this during the work week. And that's just not cool. Instead, I'm curled up in bed, nibbling on cereal and oranges. I feel like I'm in my own little Red Tent.
I have a little dillemma. I'd love your advice--dear reader--
Last night, I a friend mentioned that they'd like to get together to talk. I mentioned that I was free Saturday night and Sunday night and asked when he would like to get together. He just needs to vent and he needs a friend to listen--and I am more than happy to be a friend. He never responded to whether he wanted to get together Saturday or Sunday night. I didn't make any plans either way because I'm holed up in my red tent, but a response would have been polite.
I sent 3 polite texts throughout the day--asking about what was going on--with no response. I finally sent a curt response--which he replied to quickly--expressing that he was involved in a family emergency.
He was trying to make me feel bad for being so curt, and selfish for expecting a response. I understand canceling, I understand not having time for a lengthy chat. But a response--a short--"Emergency--can't chat" takes about 4 seconds.
I get that a family emergency is all consuming, but I'm a person. When I'm ignored, it makes me feel like less of a person. I have no intention of mentioning my feelings in this to him because when push comes to shove, my feelings are far less important than the family emergency. But in my little world where all there is is me--my feelings kinda count for something. So here on the bloggy that's about me--I'm going to express my selfish feelings.
I'm not sure what my dilemma is--but if you wanna tell me to be less selfish--I'm cool with that.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My Resolutions!
My New Years Resolutions:
1) Be happy. I want to find more moments to just be where I'm at and enjoy the present moment. I want to discover all the reasons why RIGHT NOW is wonderful. I want to enjoy the moonlight glow on glittering snow, watch the ducks run towards me as I spread bread crumbs, do puzzles!
2) Love more. I have decided that my life is about giving and receiving love. I will never be rich. I will always worry about money. But my life is rich in experiences and my favorite moments are laughing and sharing with good friends. So I'd like to do it more often.
3) Face my problems head on. Do what I can. Let it go. I have a bad habit of ignoring my problems. I want to look them square on so I can assess the damage and move forward.
4) Don't be a hypocrite. I have been a split person over the past while. I am spiritual and wicked--like most people. I don't hate myself for these things...but I'd like to find greater consistency in my life.
5) Expect more. From men. I am perfectly happy without one. I will expect more from any man who wants to have me in his life. I resolve to be far less forgiving.
6) Go on 20 different hikes. I have a book. I want to use it!
7) Pray and Meditate more. And by more, I mean... spend at least 20 minutes a day in silence with myself and God. This is part of learning to face myself and my problems head on.
2011 will be a wonderful year. I can feel it!
1) Be happy. I want to find more moments to just be where I'm at and enjoy the present moment. I want to discover all the reasons why RIGHT NOW is wonderful. I want to enjoy the moonlight glow on glittering snow, watch the ducks run towards me as I spread bread crumbs, do puzzles!
2) Love more. I have decided that my life is about giving and receiving love. I will never be rich. I will always worry about money. But my life is rich in experiences and my favorite moments are laughing and sharing with good friends. So I'd like to do it more often.
3) Face my problems head on. Do what I can. Let it go. I have a bad habit of ignoring my problems. I want to look them square on so I can assess the damage and move forward.
4) Don't be a hypocrite. I have been a split person over the past while. I am spiritual and wicked--like most people. I don't hate myself for these things...but I'd like to find greater consistency in my life.
5) Expect more. From men. I am perfectly happy without one. I will expect more from any man who wants to have me in his life. I resolve to be far less forgiving.
6) Go on 20 different hikes. I have a book. I want to use it!
7) Pray and Meditate more. And by more, I mean... spend at least 20 minutes a day in silence with myself and God. This is part of learning to face myself and my problems head on.
2011 will be a wonderful year. I can feel it!
New Years Eve Happiness
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
HAPPY 1-1-11
HAPPY DAY!
Yesterday was perfect. I went and saw The King's Speech with my little brother. We had planned on seeing it for months. It was worth the wait.
It was wonderful, touching, inspiring... It was swell!
In the morning, I did my budget, trying to figure out if I could go on a little trip to see one of my favorite people for New Years... but I came to the sad conclusion that with only $10 left... the trip wasn't going to happen.
And after having a minor temper tantrum... I felt good about exercising my self-control. Granted, my baby brother covered us at the movies.
After the movie, Nick came over and I made us spaghetti while we finished my puzzle and we watched Community on hulu.
Then I went over to my friend Gamyr's house to celebrate the New Year. It was wonderful. The week before, I had helped him paint his wall. It looked incredible!
His daughter Hannah was there and a few other friends. It was great fun.
We danced like crazy nerds and toasted in the new year with joy.
I got home and crashed in my warm bed.
It was a great start to the new year. I have a lot of thoughts. But I'll end this little post.
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