Healing

I have had a struggle with my weight for years. When I was 12, I weighed 130 pounds. That doesn't seem like a lot, but when your friends are freaking out because they're over 100 pounds, it's enough to give you a bit of a complex.

I gained 40 pounds my 9th grade year and found myself around 170.  I hovered between 170-190 throughout college.  On my mission I was about 230. My senior year of college, I got back down to 200.

In 2008, I was about 270. I dropped to 230. In 2010, I was back up to 270. I dropped to 230 again. In 2011, I'm back up to 270.

I don't feel unattractive, but I feel squashed. I feel like all of my organs are squished together.

I feel like the weight gain comes as a result of being easy on myself because everything else is hard.

I know how to lose weight--obvioiusly--but I'm horrible at keeping up with those choices.

I know the rules, I have a bunch of diet food from the last diet. I have my reasons, but I have got to stop hiding from it, stop telling myself "tomorrow" and just do it already.

The big bummer is my 15 year high school reunion is in two weeks. I wonder how much weight I can lose in two weeks! (hardee har har)

Between the weight gain, the heart break, the feeling that I'm in limbo--I haven't felt great.  I went to the temple on Wednesday. I spent the whole time trying to find what I needed, and the only thing I could think to ask for was just healing. I just needed healing. My chiropractor described microtears in my muscles that had weakened my back causing it slip out of alignment. I feel like my heart is filled with microtears. I just don't have the strength to carry heart ache the way I could before. My muscle in my heart just isn't strong enough. I went seeking healing.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting closer.  Last night I went out with a nice guy. Before, I would have allowed myself to "go with the flow" in order to make myself more attractive to him. I would have laughed at his innuendos or taken his suggestion to go to his place to "cuddle". I like cuddling and he wasn't unattractive. But I didn't need what he had to offer. He wasn't right for me, and rather than just going with the flow, I said good night.  No good night kiss--no nothin. He wasn't happy with that. But I felt stronger. I felt the microtears in my heart healing a little bit as I stood up for my own needs.

I need to extend my healing from dating to exercising my will power and my power to make healthy eating decisions.

It's only been a few days, but I can feel myself healing, little by little everyday.