Saturday, April 7, 2012

Not There

I want to write a book about my life.
But books are supposed to have happy endings.
And I'm not there.

At some point, you're supposed to reach your best self before you start the downward slope.

I feel like I'm sliding towards death. And I haven't yet reached the top of my mountain.

When I was younger, I created a picture in my mind of who I wanted to be when I was older.

This ain't it.

I don't know why I feel so inadequate right now. I am doing a lot of positive things.

I am hoping I'm suffering from some paranoid delusions, but I feel like my mom doesn't enjoy my company. It's a major bummer. When I was younger, we didn't spend much time with extended family, and I thought--when I'm older, we'll get together as a family. We'll have normal family get togethers. We'll have fun at birthdays like other regular families do.

When I moved back to Utah, I expected that I would enjoy family get togethers on a more regular basis.

Well, that's not happening. And I no longer have the "I live across the country" excuse.

I feel like a move to Bali is in order.


Salmon Tolman Family said...

I feel sad reading this. I went through a depressive slump a few months ago, and it sucks to feel so low. If I lived closer, I would hang out with you more often. I've always enjoyed being around you. I love that you don't pretend to be anything that you're not. You're a beautiful spirit, inside and out! Love you, girl!

Eve said...

Thank you Kala. I think you're wonderful. I'm feeling much better now.