Monday, October 19, 2015

Depressing Depression

I have suffered from depression for years. This time last year, I was falling in love. And I felt this very real motivation to see a psychiatrist and try to stop handling my ups and downs on my own. Because it wasn't just about me anymore. Love is a nice feeling, but love leads to life, and I was very afraid that my depression would hurt more than just me.

So I went to a very kind doctor and she started me on a path that would enable me to feel better.

It's been a year. The meds have been so helpful.

I feel the depression coming back, despite the drugs.

I went to bed at 9:30pm last night and slept until 5am. I got up and chatted with Antonio as he prepared to leave for work. I fell back asleep at 6am. I completely missed the alarm clock and woke up to Daniel trying to take my phone at 7:30am to play minecraft. School starts at 8am. It was NOT  a good morning.

I haven't showered since Friday. I have no desire to shower. I had 45 minutes to shower this morning and I could not make myself do it. I had cold cereal and made sure that the dog had food and water. I can take care of everyone else. I just can't find the energy to take care of myself.

I took vitamins, extra iron, B12, antidepressants, and adhd meds. I drank a large glass of water.

Last night, I curled up in Antonio's arms, buried my head in his neck and listened to him fall asleep while tears streamed down my face. I couldn't get close enough. I kept burrowing in closer. I did not feel alone. I did not feel lonely. But still, I couldn't get close enough. Finally, I rolled away and put on my CPAP mask to get some real sleep.

So why am I so depressed right now?

We just had a lovely 1 day vacation to Moab where we soaked in beautiful weather and scenery.

I just had 3 days off of work.

I have a beautiful family. My mom and dad took Daniel to Tremonton on Friday and Saturday so he could enjoy more of a vacation, even though Antonio ended up having to work and I needed to work Saturday afternoon.

We have a beautiful home. The cars work. We have food. We have everything we need.

Here are my thoughts on why.

The tragedy that Antonio's family--that OUR family is facing in North Carolina is so huge I can't wrap my mind around it. There is so little that we can do and we feel utterly powerless. Feeling powerless over affliction is one of the most stressful feelings in the world.

Antonio's job is horrible. His back is injured, but he can't even take a couple of days off for a family vacation we planned months ago. And we can't quit because we need the health insurance.

I am constantly bleeding. Again. Not only does it mean that I probably won't get pregnant any time soon, (probably a good idea, albeit, really sad) it is incredibly annoying and I feel like I'm experiencing PMS all the time.

Daniel is working on a lot of things. He does well on some days and at some times, but there's always something we're working on. And we want so much for him to be happy. He has to make right decisions though. He has to choose. We can't choose it for him. That feeling of powerlessness is the most aggravating, vulnerable feeling. That is the feeling of parenting and sometimes it is so hard.

I went to the temple Saturday morning and just wept. I thought about all the things I want fixed. I wrapped my mind around the prayers I needed to offer. The most difficult part of this time is trying to figure out the right things to pray for. Do you pray for the child in the coma with permanent brain damage to live or to die peacefully? Do you pray that the child who is healing physically, but not psychologically, will have more time to heal in the hospital, or will be able to rejoin the havoc at home? Do you pray that your husband will keep the job with benefits, even though it's physical labor and his back is torn up? Or do you pray that he will miraculously find another job that will allow him to go to school full-time, have benefits, and will finish before Daniel gets out of school like this one does? Do you pray to have a baby when you don't have the time, energy, or money to have a baby? Or do you pray for gratitude that God isn't giving you more than you can handle at this time and hope that you can still have babies in a year or so?

The hours in the temple, the crying, all of it served to clear my mind a bit.

We pray for a peaceful passing. We pray for Tori's strength. We pray for Megan's strength. We pray for a new job with benefits, Sundays off, and a flexible schedule that is about getting it done. Because one thing I know about my husband, he works very hard and he gets it done. We pray for trust that God knows best when it comes to bringing children into the world. We are grateful for Daniel and Jaxon. We are grateful for family members who serve, friends who love at just the right moments, scriptures, prayer, temples. We are grateful for patient dogs, children who read, working vacuum cleaners, showers when you want them, cold cereal, milk, gogurts, working cars, cool autumn air, a beautiful home. We are grateful for tears, for feelings. We are grateful to know that the tears often come when the body and mind can finally digest the pain and the stress and attempt to make sense of it. The tears allow the stress and the pain of things I cannot control to fall down my face and lessen the heaviness of my heart. The tears release the knot in my soul and remind that I just need to be. I don't need to be perfect. I don't need to be strong. I don't need to do. I just need to be. I need to trust. Time will unravel and bring things together as is needed.

And it will be all right. Tomorrow.

Today it can be poopy. I can be unshowered and teary today. I can sit back and let things be what they are today.