Thursday, December 4, 2008


I'm up late again. I'm feeling rebellious this week. I'm drinking egg nog and mentally refusing to make time to go to the gym. I watched Arrested Development instead of grading papers today. I am supposed to email the book selection for next semester's classes. Instead, I'm going to play Tetris. I will probably eat m&ms in bed too.

There are things that I can't control. When I feel like I don't have control over the events of my life, I rebel and take control in my self-destructive, deluded way.

If I'm going to be unhappy--I'm going to be unhappy on my terms. It kills me to think that I might try my hardest--workout, get plenty of rest, eat right--and I'll still end up lonely and miserable. At least this way, I'll be able to pinpoint a controllable reason.

The fact that I recognize this pattern--and consider it sort of logical is SOOOOO disturbing to me.

I'm just overanalyzing my life.

I'm tired from Thanksgiving and I have to figure out the end of this quarter and next quarter/semester's classes all before I go home to Utah next week.

It's been 2 years since I was in Utah. I think I'm subconciously very very nervous to see people. I'm excited, but I'm really nervous.

I wish my natural answer to stress and nerves was to eat salad and get to bed early.

Oh well. Good weeks, bad weeks.

I'm still a good person! And next week will be a good week.


Miss Heather said...

Sneaking M&M's in bed is the best... and I adore everything about you so you don't have to be nervous to see me! :) I'm up late too... and I love that you posted something I could read before bed. You are my sunshine.

Crystal said...

You make me smile. I love that you said- if I am going to be self-destructive, I am going to be self-destructive on MY terms. I do that too, but I did not realize it until you said that. You are me in so many ways.

Tonight Valerie said, "Mom you have the best friends! Eve texted me to tell me happy birthday!"

Thank you for that, she felt very loved.