I'm sick again.
Yippee!
I'm completely allergic to my life right now.
Things need to change...pronto...
So here are a list of things that make me happy:
Acting
Teaching
Writing
These are the things that I love doing. This is why I got my MFA and MLitt in Shakespeare in Performance because I got to study acting, write, and teach a multitude of workshops.
I spent the last few years working as a professor and an actor.
I need to be doing these things.
My body is physically ill doing anything else.
I didn't think I was such a wimp.
I thought that I could survive doing anything. What an absolute shmuck. I have truly been humbled.
I believe that there are paths in life that we NEED to take and that one way or another, we will be led to those paths.
I am in so much pain right now. Is there really agency when one choice leads to such mind numbing pain??
So I have to figure out a new plan. I've been trying to find a day job with consistent hours that will allow me to do theatre. I've interviewed at a job that would be absolutely wonderful, but I need to figure out a plan where it will be all right if I find out that I didn't get that job.
I've decided to submit writings to 3 places a week. I'm going to visit the various private schools in the area and submit my resume as a substitute teacher. I'm going to allow myself to be gainfully unemployed and try not to have a heart attack. I've got to give myself a chance to be who I am.
Now I need to figure out whether I should eat or not. hmmmm... tummy hurts. need food. uggggh...so painful...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My Red Tent
So one of my resolutions is to blog more. Mwa ha ha!
Today is one of those days where it's 9 degrees outside and I can feel myself on the verge of illness. As I walked into the cold air last night after the New Years Festivities, I was overwhelmed as the cold air hit my insides.
Today is the second day of my happy time of the month. I kind of like it when it finally arrives because it means that the horrendous depression inducing pmsing is finally over. I literally reel with emotion for about ten days before I finally start my period. And then it's over and I feel normal again--emotionally.
Physically, I'm in a good deal of pain. I'm completely wiped out. I slept a good part of my day away today. But I'm generally happy.
I feel really blessed right now because I could be going through this during the work week. And that's just not cool. Instead, I'm curled up in bed, nibbling on cereal and oranges. I feel like I'm in my own little Red Tent.
I have a little dillemma. I'd love your advice--dear reader--
Last night, I a friend mentioned that they'd like to get together to talk. I mentioned that I was free Saturday night and Sunday night and asked when he would like to get together. He just needs to vent and he needs a friend to listen--and I am more than happy to be a friend. He never responded to whether he wanted to get together Saturday or Sunday night. I didn't make any plans either way because I'm holed up in my red tent, but a response would have been polite.
I sent 3 polite texts throughout the day--asking about what was going on--with no response. I finally sent a curt response--which he replied to quickly--expressing that he was involved in a family emergency.
He was trying to make me feel bad for being so curt, and selfish for expecting a response. I understand canceling, I understand not having time for a lengthy chat. But a response--a short--"Emergency--can't chat" takes about 4 seconds.
I get that a family emergency is all consuming, but I'm a person. When I'm ignored, it makes me feel like less of a person. I have no intention of mentioning my feelings in this to him because when push comes to shove, my feelings are far less important than the family emergency. But in my little world where all there is is me--my feelings kinda count for something. So here on the bloggy that's about me--I'm going to express my selfish feelings.
I'm not sure what my dilemma is--but if you wanna tell me to be less selfish--I'm cool with that.
Today is one of those days where it's 9 degrees outside and I can feel myself on the verge of illness. As I walked into the cold air last night after the New Years Festivities, I was overwhelmed as the cold air hit my insides.
Today is the second day of my happy time of the month. I kind of like it when it finally arrives because it means that the horrendous depression inducing pmsing is finally over. I literally reel with emotion for about ten days before I finally start my period. And then it's over and I feel normal again--emotionally.
Physically, I'm in a good deal of pain. I'm completely wiped out. I slept a good part of my day away today. But I'm generally happy.
I feel really blessed right now because I could be going through this during the work week. And that's just not cool. Instead, I'm curled up in bed, nibbling on cereal and oranges. I feel like I'm in my own little Red Tent.
I have a little dillemma. I'd love your advice--dear reader--
Last night, I a friend mentioned that they'd like to get together to talk. I mentioned that I was free Saturday night and Sunday night and asked when he would like to get together. He just needs to vent and he needs a friend to listen--and I am more than happy to be a friend. He never responded to whether he wanted to get together Saturday or Sunday night. I didn't make any plans either way because I'm holed up in my red tent, but a response would have been polite.
I sent 3 polite texts throughout the day--asking about what was going on--with no response. I finally sent a curt response--which he replied to quickly--expressing that he was involved in a family emergency.
He was trying to make me feel bad for being so curt, and selfish for expecting a response. I understand canceling, I understand not having time for a lengthy chat. But a response--a short--"Emergency--can't chat" takes about 4 seconds.
I get that a family emergency is all consuming, but I'm a person. When I'm ignored, it makes me feel like less of a person. I have no intention of mentioning my feelings in this to him because when push comes to shove, my feelings are far less important than the family emergency. But in my little world where all there is is me--my feelings kinda count for something. So here on the bloggy that's about me--I'm going to express my selfish feelings.
I'm not sure what my dilemma is--but if you wanna tell me to be less selfish--I'm cool with that.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My Resolutions!
My New Years Resolutions:
1) Be happy. I want to find more moments to just be where I'm at and enjoy the present moment. I want to discover all the reasons why RIGHT NOW is wonderful. I want to enjoy the moonlight glow on glittering snow, watch the ducks run towards me as I spread bread crumbs, do puzzles!
2) Love more. I have decided that my life is about giving and receiving love. I will never be rich. I will always worry about money. But my life is rich in experiences and my favorite moments are laughing and sharing with good friends. So I'd like to do it more often.
3) Face my problems head on. Do what I can. Let it go. I have a bad habit of ignoring my problems. I want to look them square on so I can assess the damage and move forward.
4) Don't be a hypocrite. I have been a split person over the past while. I am spiritual and wicked--like most people. I don't hate myself for these things...but I'd like to find greater consistency in my life.
5) Expect more. From men. I am perfectly happy without one. I will expect more from any man who wants to have me in his life. I resolve to be far less forgiving.
6) Go on 20 different hikes. I have a book. I want to use it!
7) Pray and Meditate more. And by more, I mean... spend at least 20 minutes a day in silence with myself and God. This is part of learning to face myself and my problems head on.
2011 will be a wonderful year. I can feel it!
1) Be happy. I want to find more moments to just be where I'm at and enjoy the present moment. I want to discover all the reasons why RIGHT NOW is wonderful. I want to enjoy the moonlight glow on glittering snow, watch the ducks run towards me as I spread bread crumbs, do puzzles!
2) Love more. I have decided that my life is about giving and receiving love. I will never be rich. I will always worry about money. But my life is rich in experiences and my favorite moments are laughing and sharing with good friends. So I'd like to do it more often.
3) Face my problems head on. Do what I can. Let it go. I have a bad habit of ignoring my problems. I want to look them square on so I can assess the damage and move forward.
4) Don't be a hypocrite. I have been a split person over the past while. I am spiritual and wicked--like most people. I don't hate myself for these things...but I'd like to find greater consistency in my life.
5) Expect more. From men. I am perfectly happy without one. I will expect more from any man who wants to have me in his life. I resolve to be far less forgiving.
6) Go on 20 different hikes. I have a book. I want to use it!
7) Pray and Meditate more. And by more, I mean... spend at least 20 minutes a day in silence with myself and God. This is part of learning to face myself and my problems head on.
2011 will be a wonderful year. I can feel it!
New Years Eve Happiness
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
HAPPY 1-1-11
HAPPY DAY!
Yesterday was perfect. I went and saw The King's Speech with my little brother. We had planned on seeing it for months. It was worth the wait.
It was wonderful, touching, inspiring... It was swell!
In the morning, I did my budget, trying to figure out if I could go on a little trip to see one of my favorite people for New Years... but I came to the sad conclusion that with only $10 left... the trip wasn't going to happen.
And after having a minor temper tantrum... I felt good about exercising my self-control. Granted, my baby brother covered us at the movies.
After the movie, Nick came over and I made us spaghetti while we finished my puzzle and we watched Community on hulu.
Then I went over to my friend Gamyr's house to celebrate the New Year. It was wonderful. The week before, I had helped him paint his wall. It looked incredible!
His daughter Hannah was there and a few other friends. It was great fun.
We danced like crazy nerds and toasted in the new year with joy.
I got home and crashed in my warm bed.
It was a great start to the new year. I have a lot of thoughts. But I'll end this little post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)