Monday, June 14, 2010


I feel positively undone.

I feel like a mess.

I can feel my future bearing down on me and I'm scared to death.

In exactly 8 weeks I will receive my last paycheck.

I am freaking out.

I keep replaying my decisions over and over again.

Taking the gig in NYC is the right decision. I will find a job there. Everything will be fine.

I'm freaking out.

It is 3:45am and I have to be up at 7am.

I keep replaying things about Chris in my mind. I finally came the conclusion that whatever "problems" might exist in our relationship, it's not about him. It's about me. This isn't some "I have low self-esteem" thing going on. What I mean is that I'm realizing that I'm realizing that problems in my own life--and with myself--aren't reflective on the guy or the relationship with the guy. I'm feeling nervous about the move to NYC. But rather than looking at that head on, this weekend I've been feeling nervous about things with Chris. I learned that just because you have feelings for a guy, it doesn't mean that ALL of my feelings are reflective of or wrapped up in one particular relationship. As I discover this, I realize that I can just enjoy Chris and work on myself on my own time. I don't have to always tie up all my feelings into a nice neat little bow.

These are little things that I'm learning. For those of you who have been in relationships for years, these things might seem obvious--but I haven't made it a habit to be in a longterm relationship.

It's all new to me.

Having said that--I really need to work on me right now. Not us. Just me. I need to feel better about myself right now. I need to reevaluate my relationship with God and really feel good about who I am and what I'm choosing to do with my life.

These kinds of evaluations scare me a little. They usually involve promises that I make to myself that I undoubtedly end up breaking. And then I'm depressed about my inability to keep promises. But you wanna know the lovely thing about my friend Chris? He loves me whether I am horrible at keeping goals or whether I am wonderful at it. I know I should expect the same from myself--and I'm working on it--but it sure is nice.

But I still can't sleep.

1 comment:

Crystal said...

I felt the same way about quitting Mary Baldwin and look what that has turned into- exactly what I was hoping to get there HERE- closer to home, a bigger and better school and a pretty sweet package deal.

As for boys. I realize now I should have just trusted Matt (and others) when they told me how they were feeling about me. Boys don't lie about stuff like that, generally. It would have made my life so much nicer if I had just allowed myself to believe him.

And. We all have issues that can be very separate from any and all relationships we have, you are absolutely right.

You are going to be awesome in New York and yes, you will find a job ;-)