Monday, June 20, 2011

Depressed--need to laugh...

This is Cartman killing someone from 1776. It makes me laugh.



And this is naked Cartman.

I've been really tired and bummed out all day.

I just found out my dad is getting a divorce from his wife of 13 years. It's no exaggeration to say that I have spent more time with her than him over the past decade. She's wonderful and I'm ticked off.

So I stayed in all day because I had 0 obligations. I didn't go to church. I just watched Friday Night Lights, Doctor Who and now I'm watching South Park. And the South Park episodes are cracking me up.

I feel fat and horrible. I get to go and see my dad this weekend at my cousin's wedding. My cousin's baby is absolutely gorgeous. Here is a picture of her holding her baby girl. I want a little red headed girl....

But no... instead I'm alone. And life sucks. And I hate it.

And I'm going to go to the wedding where all my family members will try to "help me" by pointing out all the ways I could improve myself so that I can catch a man...

"You know Eve, have you considered marrying a guy who isn't mormon?"
"You know Eve, most men just don't want to be with a woman of your size... not on a long term basis anyway."
"So why exactly did you get your masters if you're not using it now?"

Kill. Me. Now.

9 comments:

Ace said...

What I think you should do is just say:

"Well I would do that, except...."

Then fill in the blank with any number of things like:

-Who would fund my drug habit?
-the nudist colony I'm joining doesn't allow that.
-several of the voices in my head disagree with you.
-I'm really hoping that my education will allow me to build that time machine I've been dreaming about.


Or just tell them to go to hell.

Either way. ;)

Bonny@Spontaneousniceties said...

I agree with Ace.

Eve said...

Yippee!! I love you.

Miss Heather said...

Will you please get your fine ass to my house? I need you and you need me and we need each other.

And as for replies to the crappy family questions, make sure you let them know you're sleeping around quite a bit and have decided that's the lifestyle for you... or you're a lesbian... or you're joining a convent... OR a nudist colony!

And I'm sorry about your dad... I know you and your stepmom are close. :(

Alisha said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. That sucks. No other word for it.

I agree with what everyone said about having some crazy and inappropriate answers in your back pocket. Also, be ready to turn them around on the people.

"Eve, if you would just do ____ you could totally get a man."
"Oh, thanks. I hadn't really been focusing on my own life lately, ever since I heard that your son and his girlfriend were having unprotected sex every time your back was turned." OR "Oh, thanks. It's so sweet of you to think of me when I know you must be preoccupied with your own vapid, soulless existence." OR "Oh, I didn't think of that. I was too busy praying that you'd learn when to shut the fuck up."

Also, if the following not-true things were true, I would totally marry you and get you all knocked up with cute red-headed babies:
1) I were a dude.
2) I were not married.

Eve said...

I think I have very smart, supportive friends. This pleases me. :)

Sunshine said...

I'm totally with Alisha. Shut the eff up was my first response, but that's almost to easy. They almost expect that, but something like

"Do you hear that?"
Them: " What?"
You: "Never mind"

Then repeat.

OR
Ask them what gender they are?..
or
Ask your family members mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a small notebook and mumble something about "psychological profiles."

Begin to laugh hysterically and then announce "We're all going to die".

Do you remember the google/bing commercial? When they ask you about not using your degree you could zone out and start quoting things about degree. Like

Degree: men's deodorant. A unit division of a temperature scale.
Scale: Music. An ascending or descending collection of pitches proceeding by a specified scheme of intervals.


Love your guts. Hang in there babe!

Alisha said...

k, I thought of another one.

Timmy's mom: Eve, you're a failure blahblah get a man blah blah blah.
Eve: You know, it's so sweet of you to spare a thought for me, given everything with Timmy and Deborah and the...
Timmy's mom: The what? What thing?
Eve: You don't know? Oh, me and my big mouth. Don't tell them I said anything. I'm sure they're just waiting for the right time to tell you.

Alisha said...

Eve, have you heard this Elna Baker story? http://www.studio360.org/2009/oct/16/my-grandmothers-dress/