Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My Weaknesses

Thursday morning started with a boot on my car.

Apparently, I had forgotten to pay a ticket--it was for having expired registration stickers 2 years ago.

I think I even had the stickers, I just hadn't put them on the car yet.

This is how I am though.

Sometimes when you have a glass is half full attitude, you forget to look at the half empty part of the glass. You look at the day and say, "Day, these are the things I can do!" And then you do... and you forget the other things that you can't do. Until you walk out of your work and find a boot fastened to your car. 

I had also planned on going to Moab to hike through the red rocks...

Then there was a government shut down.


In my efforts to look at the half empty portion of my glass--I became overwhelmed. There's a lot there folks. I have an ongoing problem in my lady parts that isn't healing. I just live with this constant draining of my life force... and no real solutions in mind except another surgery. This isn't an option right now because I don't have health coverage... yet. (Thank you affordable care act!)

I have a lot of debt. Lots of bills. I am super duper over weight.

Looking in that half empty cup is really really overwhelming.

I have these thoughts where I recognize that I might be dying. And I recognize that I might be okay with that. I try and want to live. I really do. I try and imagine a better life--but I cannot undo the heaviness of the present. My problems cling to to my hope like tar.

But I move forward, trying to find the joy in the present, trying to keep the tar at bay. But Thursday, I needed help.

I called my boss and asked for an advance on my salary. Within 30 minutes, he was there with his wife, my dear friend Tammy. We gabbed about happy things and then he gave me a check to cover the boot--with the understanding that I would pay him back of course. But the advance gave me the means to make things work. And as busy as he is--for him to just drop everything and come by within a half hour...He's a pretty amazing person.

Then my dad spent that evening and the next day driving me to and from work and from the courthouse. He took me to eat at a little hamburger place at City Creek where we laughed and discussed all sorts of great things.

The next day, my mom drove down from Tremonton and we spent that Saturday listening to General Conference and hiking through Big Cottonwood Canyon. We drove down to Provo and enjoyed Thai food with my brother Nick. Then we walked through campus and enjoyed ice cream at the creamery.

The next day, after a nice walk down by the Jordan River, she left me with some money, vegetables, soup, butter,  yogurt, and house warm with her lingering spirit of love and support.

That night, my dad and I enjoyed dinner together and laughed at the dollar movie.

When I went to go to the bank, I found my wallet had more money than I remembered. Somehow. I found more money in my piggy bank than I remembered. All around, I found support.

Can I just say, as I type this, I feel both gratitude, and shame? It is so hard to accept help. It is so hard to live up to the charity of well intentioned loved ones. I don't know how to react to this. I can't say no to the help, because I need it. But I wish I didn't need it. I wish I could just be healthy, debt free, sensible--(ie: not the type of person to forget about a ticket for two years), insured, skinny, and rich.

I hate that I need help. I hate it so much. Can you just see my need for control ooooozing off this page? Yup. We're enjoying a long hard look at my weaknesses today folks.

But I am imperfect, needy, and vulnerable.

I am a 35 year old woman who still needs her parents help.

But I am a 35 year old woman who has loving parents who are willing to give their time to comfort me and help me when I'm feeling down. More than just money, they both gave their time and helped me find peace, beauty, and laughter during a particularly dark time.

So today, I am grateful for loving parents. I am grateful for Thai food and hamburgers. I am grateful for an understanding boss. I am grateful for the beauty of the Utah mountains in the autumn

. I am grateful for General Conference. I am grateful for my weaknesses. Okay--that last part is sort of a lie. But I'm TRYING to be grateful for my weaknesses... Someday.


JM said...

I love that you put yourself out there like this. I always look forward to reading your posts because they make me smile, sometimes cry, but always leave me feeling better than before I read it. Thank you.

Eve said...

Thank you! Isn't my mom gorgeous? I am sorry I haven't written this week. I just a needed a couple days to process so that I didn't write something like. "BAH! My life is a vortex of suck!! BAH!" Clearly, it's not. You're a dear friend JM. Thank you.

Sylinda's Life said...

I love that you are vulnerable, Eve. You are such a beautiful person who openly expresses un-surities that we all feel, although some hide it better. Great to know you!

Eve said...

Sylinda, thank you! I posted a comment on your blog... then I pressed the wrong button. I will redo it later! Just know, you got me thinking!