It's been a while since I wrote a blog. I've been feeling a bit under the weather during the past week. I've been going through the motions, but I haven't really enjoyed the motions. I've organized my life in such a way that I am doing what I want to be doing, but even my best laid plans don't stop the inevitable tide of depression that comes over me on a pretty regular basis.
I'd like to think that this is situational, but I know it's not. These bouts of depression came to me when I was on my mission, in college, in Iowa, grad school, in plays, out of plays, etc. etc. They're just a fact of life. I remember my mother used to face her little bouts. And I learned from her that sometimes the best thing to do is to lay down and shut the door so that you don't inadvertently say something you'll regret.
She taught me that sleep was the best cure for days like these, and I know she's right. So, I slept for the better part of today.
My thoughts went all over the place. I couldn't imagine who I could call, and even when I did think of someone--I can never think of anything worthwhile to talk about. For the most part, I have a very ordered and boring life.
This doesn't mean that there aren't a slew of people that I absolutely love and adore--but most of them are far away. I think part of what makes me sad this go round is how much I miss the people I love.
Robin and Carl were in town on Monday. I can't even describe how wonderful it was to have an intelligent conversation with two faithful LDS people who are both liberal democrats. They shared with me what it was like to go to the debates, to vote in the Iowa caucuses, and I was able to share my opinions without having to explain myself or justify my political stance.
Back to this depression though--I have spent the day decompressing. I have spent the day distancing myself from everything and everyone. Tomorrow I will wake up early and go to work and enjoy a very nice weekend. And all of this will have disappeared for the time being.
I can't stop it from happening, but experience has shown that the moods don't last forever. The Navajo teach that harmony and balance is the most important thing. That Good and Bad are necessary to provide balance. So I'm embracing this "mood" and tomorrow I will have regained my balance. The Buddhists teach that suffering is a disparity between your desires and your reality. Westerners will seek to change reality in order to alleviate suffering, while Buddhists will seek to change their desires.
I am at peace with the storms in my mind. I enjoy the time apart. My reality remains unchanged, but somehow I feel a little better. A little more in control.
I'll be 30 in a week.