Saturday, August 15, 2015

Random Thoughts: Being Single, Skin Color, Babies, Jesus, Dumbledore, Reading, Daniel, Atticus

I'm feeling very thoughtful this morning.

Topic 1: Unmarried friends. When I was single, I used to believe and hope that all of us would find ourselves happily married one day. Now I'm married. I see the world differently. I don't see my unmarried friends as lacking any sort of integral step. I just see that they're single. And that they have different opportunities and more exciting challenges. I'm not jealous of my single friends, I'm just excited for them. I see friends post about world travel and education. I sigh and I think about their beautiful opportunities and how they have this smorgasboard of ambitions to choose from. My ambition right now is to pay down debts and to make sure our children grow up to be happy. I love my goals, but I'm also really happy imagining the goals and dreams of my single friends.

I'm much more optimistic about my single friends' lives now then I was when I was single. It's been an enjoyable mindshift since getting married. It's not that I wasn't optimistic before... It's just that I realize that being married isn't a fairytale. It's just one of many pedestrian avenues we all choose in life. While I was single, I was in the midst of that pedestrian enterprise. I was surrounded by the frustration at having to go out in order to "feel social". I enjoy that I get to stay home  and not go out in an effort to spend time with family. At the same time, I feel guilty if we don't plan some sort of fun activity for the active 6 year old...

Topic 2: Skin color. I am ridiculously tan. I haven't been this tan since I served a mission in Dallas, where I was on my bike every day. There's a picture of me sitting next to a little black boy--and my skin is darker than his. The only person tanner than me is Daniel. And that little blonde haired blue eyed monster is super tan. It makes sense though. Every day we're outside. Every week we're in water some where. This Thursday, we were up at Jordanelle swimming in the reservoir. I was fully clothed because I figured we would wade a bit. But Daniel jumped in and began swimming. Knowing that he would need rescuing at some point, I jumped in with my dress and enjoyed swimming in the muddy water as much as he did! It was glorious and renewing. And my skin is golden and my hair is flecked with highlights!

Topic 3: Having a baby. I'm not. Yet. We want to have a baby. We have no choice. Daniel's birth mom is pregnant. He hasn't seen or heard from her since Mother's Day. No phone calls, no nothing. But she was due to have her baby this past week. We finally attempted to find information on the interwebs and saw that she has had the baby. But no calls were made to Daniel. Thank heaven. Because her contact is so sporadic it is more painful for him to have her come in and out of his life. But he is still working through the heart ache of her loss and the loss of this baby sister. (Please don't tell him that the baby was born. Please don't bring it up to him at all.)

He is happier than he has been. Again--it's the in and out that hurts the most for him. He is attaching to me. And I'm happy about this. I want to be there for him and love him. He has been talking about babies all summer. He wants me to replace her in every way--including having a baby. He talks to my belly and gives kisses to the baby. We've told him a number of times that I'm not pregnant, yet. But I know he needs to give this love to the baby that he might never meet. On Mother's Day--she told him all about how she was going to have a new baby sister. But she hasn't been around. So, we enjoy cooing over other babies and he tells me that I'm having a baby. And I hope that this helps. The other day, he got very mad at me because I hadn't had a baby yet. He was crying. I told him his birth story and how I became his mother.

I said,

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Eve who wanted to be a mother very badly. She prayed to Heavenly Father that she would be able to be a mommy. One day Eve met a handsome man named Antonio. When they met, they fell in love. Heavenly Father brought them together. Then Eve met Antonio's son Daniel. Heavenly Father brought Eve and Antonio together so that Eve could become a mother to Daniel. The moment she saw him, her heart opened up and she felt so much love she thought her heart would burst. She knew that she would love that little boy for the rest of her life. And that is how Eve became Daniel's mother.

We don't lie to him. But we try to help him to feel that his life is as beautiful and magical as anyone else's. We want him to see the miracles and the love in his world.

And he gets happier and happier every day.

I'm not currently having a baby. And Daniel is upset by this. But I told him that the baby is watching from Heaven and she or he will come down when it decides it is the best time. I said that the baby knows that Daniel needs some extra time with us before the baby comes.

Then Daniel said that Jesus is the one who decides! (I say this with an exclamation point because Daniel was very emphatic.)

Topic 4: Jesus. Daniel used to not want to pray. Now he won't allow anyone else to pray. His prayers are very cute. He uses big words like "nourishing and strengthening". He is very thoughtful. He will pray for his dad to sleep well. He will pray that I will have a baby. And then he will close his prayer by singing out loudly and dancing to the words, "In the na-a-ame of Je-e-suuus Chri-i-ist--AMEN!"

It's very disrespectful. It's also hilarious. And Jesus said that he loved the little children most so who am I to correct this little child? (I probably should.... but every time I think about it.... I think of scriptures about how Jesus loves the little children...and I think about whether Dumbledore would like it....and I stop.)

Topic 5: Dumbledore. We are reading the first Harry Potter. Daniel is actually enjoying it! We started by watching the movies. We then began reading it at night before bed. One night, he actually read an entire page by himself! We let him read one paragraph during each reading session. But mostly, he just enjoys listening. We read at breakfast too. It's a great motivator for bed time. If he gets in his pj's and brushes his teeth, we will read to him. If not, he has to go to bed. One night, he said something rude while I was reading. I closed the book and kissed him good night. He was very upset. I saw him shut the door and the light turned on. I didn't stop him because I was hoping he was going to sneak and try and read ahead. The next morning, we discovered he had read ahead an entire page on his own! This is very exciting! I couldn't figure out how he his reading had improved so much until...

Topic 6: Reading to Lily. My friend Christi has been watching Daniel for us from 9-3 while we're both working. She has a 2 year old. And Daniel adores her. He reads her stories when she is going to sleep. He reads her stories! He doesn't like reading stories with us, but he read her 4 stories before her afternoon nap yesterday! Christi has been such a blessing to us this summer. She has taught me about attachment disorder. She has taught me about defending Daniel against the inconstancy of his birth mother. She was a foster mother and her wisdom has been so incredibly helpful. She has given us the confidence to defend Daniel against pain and sorrow. We are better parents through her wisdom and experience. And he is a better reader!

Topic 7: Everything is about Daniel.

I'm sorry. I know the blog is entitled All About Evey. I really wanted this post to be about me.

I failed.

Topic 8: Atticus. I need to walk this dog more. She is still happy and loved and spoiled. But I need to walk her more. I need to walk her more because I need to walk ME more. Hopefully, I'll get it together enough to walk Daniel to school with Atticus every day. I just need to make my health a priority. I need to get it done. Atticus is good for me because everything good that I do for her, is good for me.

This has been a very long post. I hope it hasn't bored you all to tears.