Friday, May 23, 2008

Getting it Together

Yesterday, after falling asleep under the burden of debt--I woke up on my day off with renewed ambition.

The other charges did indeed go through, leaving me $300 in the hole--but there was nothing to be done so I got to work on other things and tried not to worry.

I revamped the online Ethics class I'm teaching and designed my college composition classes that start next week. I got all of my grades in for the quarter that just ended. I pretty much accomplished amazing things yesterday!

I let myself cry a little over the money over the phone with Spencer, but my tears stopped quickly when he told me that he was hired as an understudy with the Shakespeare Theatre! It's so exciting! And after working very hard all day, I went to the gym at 9pm and killed myself on the machines. I kept my heartrate above 170 for 30 minutes. At one point it was up to 190. I'm so happy!!

Just so you understand why I care about my heartrate so much--my mother and my grandmother both had heart attack scares in their early 40s and when I went to the doctor this past December I was warned that my blood pressure was in a scary place--sooooo I'm trying to strengthen my heart. And last night felt incredible.

This morning I had to be up and out of the house by 5am, so I didn't get much sleep last night. I was supposed to go down to Charlottesville to be with Bonny and crew for the day before the wedding chores and festivities, but I have no money with which to buy gas--so I'm going to the temple tomorrow and bumming a ride with Bri to the rest of the festivities. This works out great because I was able to get in another good workout tonight, watch the Season Finale of Grey's Anatomy--which was incredible by the way--and work on my Relief Society lesson for Sunday.

I'm really trying to learn how to prioritize caring for myself. According to Carol Gilligan, women (and probably men too) pass through these stages of moral development: 1) The concern for individual survival. We are morally correct because it will help us to survive. Then there's the transition from selfishness to responsibility. I remember distinctly when my mother put the sponge in my hand because I was finally tall enough to see over the countertops. That marked that transition for me! 2) Goodness comes to be equated with self-sacrifice. This is the phase I'm finding myself in, though because I'm aware of the other stages, I'm trying to work my way past this stage. Then there's the transition stage that involves giving yourself permission to take care of yourself. It feels like a regression but it's actually a progression towards the third stage--3) Moral goodness is seen as caring both self and others.

Soooo, I'm working my way past the martyr stage. It's teaching me to stop being upset with people who don't choose to sacrifice themselves readily for others. I love and appreciate those who freely give themselves--there's nothing wrong with that--but I have to stop judging those who appear to put themselves first. In fact, I feel like I need to take a page from their book and learn to care for myself a little better. Which is why tonight was so wonderful! I did exactly what I wanted to do. And it didn't cost me a dime and I feel great!

I still want to serve others though because that makes me happy. And hopefully it makes others happy too--but I'm going to value self-love more than I have been.

Well, this post is long enough already! G'night!

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