Monday, September 15, 2008

Lessons of Trees

I try to keep this blog positive, but lately I find myself at a loss.

I really want to try and be good at things. I want to try and be my best self. But, I suck at this sometimes.

Lately I've felt a little disconnected, despite feeling closer to friends--I'm just feeling a little depressed as I watch my friends progress so happily in their lives. I am so happy for everyone, but I keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I went to the ward retreat this weekend and it was great to spend time with friends, but frankly I felt more connected with the wives in the bishopric than with the 18 year old singles who had just moved in. And rightly so! We're closer in age! I feel like I'm stuck in a social realm where I just don't fit in. But in the marriage and family realm--I haven't quite met the basic qualifications. So I'm living in this limbo place where I really just don't fit in anywhere.

I came to some very positive conclusions this weekend that I am happy about. I watched the trees growing towards heaven and realized that in order for them to grow straight and tall individually--they had to spread their branches so that the leaves could collect the sunlight. The sunlight they gathered gives them the strength to climb higher and higher, but in order to climb higher--they must reach out and embrace the solitary trees next to them. We can't climb higher without reaching out and embracing others. This was a nice little lesson in the wilderness.

I walked through the stream with Spencer. We found different mushrooms, looked at lavendar molds and enjoyed feeling the stream ride through my toes. I miss his friendship. We don't spend much time with each other anymore. We will never work beyond friends, and we both know that it's not good for us to spend too much time together because we're so close. It was so refreshing to just be around a friend that knew me so well. Within 5 minutes of being alone, I was crying and confessing everything that had been bothering me. And he was sharing his latest song. It's just so rare to find someone that you can feel so at home with. I miss him. But, this is truly what is best. I love him so much more when I know that I'll never have to put up with his flaws--rather as his friend, I get to simply enjoy his strengths.

I was talking with my friend Audy about being single. I recognize that everyone who lives righteously will get the blessings of family and love. But, not everyone will get the blessings and opportunities that come with being single into your 30s. I love my life, and I realize that I would never have had the opportunities to meet my friends and work with the students I work with if I had gotten married before this time.

I am grateful for my life. But I'm tired of being stuck in the middle. I feel an expectation to be happy with where I'm at--and frankly that's just silly. I'm not.

I have joy. I am happy with who I am--but I have no joy in feeling socially powerless. I have 3 dates this week with 3 different guys--all 3 aren't interested in me or in having a relationship. Why on earth am I going on these dates? Because I want to make new friends and because staying home is too depressing.

So, that's my life right now.

I'm going to go and get some food and buy a plant. Maybe having something living in my room will make me feel more alive. Maybe I'll remember the lessons of trees and recognize that I can't possibly touch the sky without spending some time branching out.


Melanie said...

You know, I'm not sure it's a requirement to be happy in a single state. No one can blame you for wishing you were in a relationship. We are told over and over and over how it's the way to be complete, to have an eternal companion. Of COURSE you long for that.

I think it's OK to appreciate singleness for it's good points, though. Some day, when you have to worry about more than just yourself, you will remember these days with some degree of fondness, I promise you that. You may not want to come back to them, necessarily, but you will be surprised how good they seem in retrospect.

Crystal said...

That made me cry. I have been trying to be happy- to look around, to not fret too and I have "everything" I wanted and mostly, I really am happy. I can not imagine being single still. I was really not happy then, I think I acted happier than I do now, but I was really hard on myself then. You are one of the best people I know and you surely deserve all the blessings of husband and family. I wish I knew for sure when that would be- that I just had a teeny glimpse that I could give you.

I bet Spencer missed you too. How I know the feeling of being able to share, laugh, live and know that it will always be wanting. That is not a good feeling at all. I don't like going on those sort of retreat things, they are good in theory, but they would always end up making me feel really, really bad about me and events that do that are just no good.

I am lonely these days, I work all day and come home to make dinner- Matt leaves (within an hour of me getting here) and Valerie comes in and goes to bed at dark... then it is just me, too much like old times, really. He really needs a better job, again.. DESERVES a better job, now to just wait and try to soak in the sunshine that we do have. And sunshine is glorious indeed, just ask the cats. By the way, I made an appointment for peeing cat today. Otherwise, I just might injure her.

Anyway, I love you. I want you to be in the blissful arms of love every night.

Sunshine said...

Incredible, Eve, you are just amazing. Beautiful post. I read part of it earlier, but didn't have time to comment.

I wonder if you are in the transition. Kudos for having dates, I mean really, kudos, that takes guts girl and you have them.

Be strong, and don't be afraid to lean,... you are just so incredible!!

Ace said...

Eve, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I go to my singles ward and am struggling for ways to connect with the youngins (as I like to call em). It's difficult. Especially being a single mom. Hugs for you.