I feel older. I don't know if that's quite right. I feel changed. Age doesn't have anything to do with it. I'm just older. I am letting my nails grow out, which makes typing a beast. But, it's just one little thing that makes me feel better.
Sometimes I get depressed reading old journals because it seems like the same things I wanted years ago, are the things I'm working on still. I don't know that I'm any better at living than I was 5 years ago, accept that I've come to accept exactly who I am. I will continue to work hard to better myself, but the difference between then and now is that I wouldn't allow myself to be happy until I had conquered myself. Now, I work hard everyday. I try and workout. I eat my vitamins and I try and eat right, but tonight I had a candy bar and a bag of skittles--and I just don't care. Before, I would have taken that action and subconciously punished myself for that action by believing that because I'm not perfect, I don't deserve to be happy. This thought process was VERY subconcious because I would never admit to such unhealthy behavior. But now, I like myself, flaws and all.
The difference is difficult to explain, but I think that a year ago--I had two choices--either be fat and alone--or lose 100 pounds and be happy and in a relationship. Now, I have lost 40 pounds and I know I have a lot more weight to lose, but so do a lot of people! And they're happy now! So, I will continue to lose weight, but my happiness CANNOT hang in the balance of whether I lose weight or not. My choice now is to be happy. And as far as the alone thing is concerned, I'm discovering that my love life is contingent on men not being insane. And I can only control so much in the universe.
I am more than fine just the way I am. It has taken me 30 years to come to this conclusion. I have always felt inadequate. I have always needed other people to make me feel adequate because in the back of my mind I had a list of things I still needed to accomplish before I would allow myself to like myself. If I allowed myself to like myself as I was, it was like I was giving up on myself.
I'm not giving up on myself at all. I just realize that perfection can wait. Happiness cannot.