Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Finding Peace

I'm sitting in class, watching my students write on two stories we just read in class. The stories are "Joy" by Anton Chekhov and "King M" by Crispin Oduobuk. In both stories, we have stupid people who do stupid things. They're really funny and I hope the class got something out of the stories. I swear I'm the best fake professor in the world. I feel utterly unqualified to be teaching the classes I'm teaching--but I seem to be good at it. I can count on one hand, the times in my life that I've had a job where I feel like I'm using my talents well. It's not a stretch for me. I can blabber on about story and character forever. I can make possessives interesting. I like my job.

The air conditioning is back on. Yippee!!

I was told that my direct deposit would go into affect today. It did not. This is the story of my life.

I'm so tired of saying, "Oh well! That's life!" Seriously--so sick of it.

I'm incredibly busy getting ready to direct the Stake play, teaching 5 classes, and producing and performing in a show for the Junebug Center. But amidst it all, I'm really trying to create a place of zen and peace for myself.

I'm trying to make it to the gym at least 4 times a week. I'm trying to eat right. I'm trying to read my scriptures everyday. I'm trying to be good with money and pay off my debts.

I'm trying really hard at everything.

The thing that frustrates me is that despite my best efforts, I'm still the same old me. I'm still single and insecure. I still make idiotic mistakes with money. I still view myself as horribly obese, especially compared with my skinny roommates. I'm still utterly without a date or any prospects. I still swear like a sailor.

I just want to feel like somewhere along the line, things will change. That all this work will contribute to a larger end. There are days where I trust. And then there are days where all I can see is the same things happening over and over again. And frankly, the repetition is depressing.


Sunshine said...

I swear to you this was my experience last week. Well, not the car thing, but the whole period thing. I was in a store in Wyoming when mine started. We came up here to stay with Cevin for 2 weeks. Last week I was a bitch. Full on..... Love you and I will call you when I have some time!

Eve said...

I love you too! And can I just advertise that Heather C sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers today. I think that I have the best friends ever! What a wonderful day! I can't wait to talk to you. You always make my day.