Thursday, November 20, 2008

hurt

I'm sad tonight. I face a little dillemma.

You know how they tell you as a girl--don't like the guy too much cause then he'll just take you for granted? Well, I feel like that applies to some of my friends as well as to men.

I don't particularly like anyone--so don't bother reading into that. But I feel like I'm nice enough to my friends that they don't really care whether I'm in their lives or not. They know they don't need to win me over. I have certain friends who will "let" me help them, but they don't seem to care whether or not I might actually need their company or not.

This is really cryptic.

I feel lonely. I feel like when I reach out to friends who are struggling that they would rather have someone else reach out to them. Someone who isn't so desperately nice.

I wouldn't feel so sad about it except that this has happened three times in the past little while, with three different people.

I highly doubt it's anyone who actually reads this blog, so don't worry.

I'm tired of forgiving blatant rudeness. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm being "tolerated". I'm tired of feeling like I was invited somewhere out of pity. Just be honest with me. At least it will give me some sense of dignity instead of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I have to sit and figure out that you don't care whether I'm around or not.

I wish I had something more to offer so that you could have some reason to be nice to me. That's my problem. I keep trying to give people a reason to want me around. I'll jump when you say jump. I'll give and give--and try to demonstrate all of the reasons why you should want to be my friend. But in the end, you'd rather concern yourself with the one who's friendship you're not quite sure of yet. You know you have my friendship, so what does it matter how you treat me?

I'm really tempted to just erase certain soul sucking people from my life. I'm very tempted to just have a clean slate and only associate myself with people who actually care about me as a person--and don't choose to love me based on what I can do for them.

I wish I had the guts. I hate the feeling that I've made someone feel this way though. I can't handle hurting someone else as much as they've hurt me.

And so I'll probably pretend like nothing happened. I'll act like I just don't care. I'll just go about my merry way. And you'll never know that I knew that you "tolerated" my help, or that you called three people before finally deciding to call me, or that you pretended to have a good time with me so as to not hurt my feelings. I'm not stupid. I get it.

9 comments:

Miss Heather said...

I've felt the same way before... "soul-sucking" friends are too hard to handle... I've had to let a few go myself. I am also a really nice person and I too feel I annoy people at times. I'm glad you're that way, it's one of the things I love about you.

I adore you!

Russ and Katie Olsen Family said...

Eve- I adore you too!!

Clarissa Jane said...

I'm sorry you are sad and I'm sorry if I don't seem to want you around all the time... But you know me... I adore you and I adore all the times we are able to spend together - you know, when I am able to spend time with people. I'm afraid my "need to be alone" sometimes alienates me or others. I'm sorry if I make you feel that way.
I love you.
Thanks for being a great roommate and understanding my needs too.
I hope you find that amazing zen again you've been having lately -- it's inspiring.

Eve said...

Thank you for caring. You guys are the best. Seriously. I wish I could just stop feeling things!! It makes life so much better!! Zen is great--but no amount of ice cream can bring me zen tonight. Perhaps actually going to bed might help though.

Rochelle said...

So I am not sure if this relates or not...but my husband said he is reading a book on how NOT to be too nice to your wife, so you can keep her forever. (I think he is joking...) The point is he thinks if you are always nice to people they will take you for granted...you have to throw a little mean in there every once in a while..or not even mean, but just a little "sometimes my needs come before yours" in there. I know that when he stops seeking my attention I am like, hey wait, and I go seek his. I believe it is the same with friends. If people are not grateful for what you do for them, don't do it, then they will miss it and hopefully appreciate it, and seek you out.

Eve said...

Thanks Rochelle! I guess I fear that people won't seek me out.

Cellana said...

I guess I am just one of those friends that don't let people know how much I really do care about them. I have always thought you were a very caring and wonderful person, even back in high school. :) I have to agree with Shane. He always tells me that it hurts when he feels like he values his friendships more then the other person does, because when he becomes friends, he becomes friends forever. Someone that you can always count on no matter what. You are that kind of friend. Don't change! If people take you for granted then that's their loss.

Sunshine said...

Oh Eve, so much sincerity in your words. I just learned this past week (because I to was feeling an overwhelming sense of nothingness, stupidity, and worthlessness, that sometimes indeed our friends are soul sucking. They can suck our light, and our love, and our will to live right out of us. Call me! I just love your guts so much!

Hannah S said...

I have been in your position before too. I've been the "used" but I've also been a "user." I think we have to give and take. I think asking people point blank sometimes too, gets you an honest answer in a safe way. letting them know you are hurt, either through humor or just honesty (but not the blatant mean kind) and hope (but don't just drop hints and hope they understand) they get the message. Talk about it. And then make-up and be friends again. Or just, like one of the previous comments said, move on and "drop them" Some people are not worth being "used" by. Did that make sense? That's why I worry about having too many close friends. You have to stretch yourself so thin that you can't really serve/get to them better and truly have a good relationship w/them.