I'm sad tonight. I face a little dillemma.
You know how they tell you as a girl--don't like the guy too much cause then he'll just take you for granted? Well, I feel like that applies to some of my friends as well as to men.
I don't particularly like anyone--so don't bother reading into that. But I feel like I'm nice enough to my friends that they don't really care whether I'm in their lives or not. They know they don't need to win me over. I have certain friends who will "let" me help them, but they don't seem to care whether or not I might actually need their company or not.
This is really cryptic.
I feel lonely. I feel like when I reach out to friends who are struggling that they would rather have someone else reach out to them. Someone who isn't so desperately nice.
I wouldn't feel so sad about it except that this has happened three times in the past little while, with three different people.
I highly doubt it's anyone who actually reads this blog, so don't worry.
I'm tired of forgiving blatant rudeness. I'm tired of feeling as though I'm being "tolerated". I'm tired of feeling like I was invited somewhere out of pity. Just be honest with me. At least it will give me some sense of dignity instead of this horrible sinking feeling I get when I have to sit and figure out that you don't care whether I'm around or not.
I wish I had something more to offer so that you could have some reason to be nice to me. That's my problem. I keep trying to give people a reason to want me around. I'll jump when you say jump. I'll give and give--and try to demonstrate all of the reasons why you should want to be my friend. But in the end, you'd rather concern yourself with the one who's friendship you're not quite sure of yet. You know you have my friendship, so what does it matter how you treat me?
I'm really tempted to just erase certain soul sucking people from my life. I'm very tempted to just have a clean slate and only associate myself with people who actually care about me as a person--and don't choose to love me based on what I can do for them.
I wish I had the guts. I hate the feeling that I've made someone feel this way though. I can't handle hurting someone else as much as they've hurt me.
And so I'll probably pretend like nothing happened. I'll act like I just don't care. I'll just go about my merry way. And you'll never know that I knew that you "tolerated" my help, or that you called three people before finally deciding to call me, or that you pretended to have a good time with me so as to not hurt my feelings. I'm not stupid. I get it.