An Update

I should update folks on my life.

Here are some stats and facts:

I got sick New Years Day.

I worked Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday night the fever kicked in. I had a fever ranging between 103 and 101 until Saturday.

Heather and her husband Michael came over Thursday night and he gave me a beautiful blessing.

She brought me saltine fishy crackers. I love them.

I eat apple sauce and fishy crackers. I try eating more. And then I feel sick. So I don't.

I went to church Sunday. I stayed in the lobby. I wanted to be there. I needed to be there.

Monday I went to work for 3 hours. I was in training for a new kind of thing... (boring)... I watched the words swimming on the page and felt all these gross toxic feelings course through my body. It felt horrible.

I got up and left. I couldn't do it anymore.

It's difficult to document this illness because so much of it has to do with the toxic feelings I have about myself. Over and over again, I'm reminded of how loved I am though. So much of my anxiety is this temptation to feel like my life, my existence doesn't matter anyway. And then I get a phone call or a text.

Thank you so much friends. You have no idea how much your love means to me.

I had a really good cry last night with a dear dear friend. She's a miracle worker.

I took a long hot bath.

and then I vomited.

Which is strange considering how little I've eaten in the past week.

But it felt really good, strangely enough.

I slept like a baby after that.

I woke up this morning with new pains, but it's okay. There's a whole lot of toxic crap to work through. And this may ruin my credit and completely destroy me, but I'm okay with it.

Everything will be all right. I may feel like poo, but everything will be okay.