I'm totally bummed right now. I keep thinking back and seeing all these dazzling signs that Chris wasn't in love with me. I started to list the reasons why I knew--but it was just really depressing. Then I started thinking, "How the hell did I not see this sooner?!!" But the fact is, he's incredibly good at being a good guy. He told me that he loved me, so he was carrying out his duties as a lover. He called everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. He texted. He talked to me about everything that was going on with his life. And I listened contentedly, happy to be a part of things. But he never allowed himself to become invested in my life. He didn't have room for me.
What's depressing is that he could have made room for me, but he chose not to. Hell, I made room for him.
So, the really depressing thing as that as nice as he was about it--as good and as attentive as he was--even though he made the specific effort to be a good boyfriend--his heart wasn't in it.
How do I not doubt myself when this happens? I gave my heart and everything I could to make this work, and his heart wasn't in it. There's nothing that I could have done more. But his heart wasn't in it. It's so hard not to be fatalistic and think of all the other men who tried, but just couldn't get themselves to love me.
I'm not ugly, I'm not difficult, I'm not stupid or annoying. I'm not rude or demanding. I'm just me. And yet, it's never enough.
Why can't I for once be enough for someone?
I realize I'm not perfect, but what is it about me that after all I can give--I just don't seem to be enough?
In other news, I have a hickey. What the what?? This 23 year old kid chewed my neck off the other night. Despite his attractiveness, I am still bummed. But at least I forget a little of my misery when he's gnawing on my neck.