I'm totally bummed right now. I keep thinking back and seeing all these dazzling signs that Chris wasn't in love with me. I started to list the reasons why I knew--but it was just really depressing. Then I started thinking, "How the hell did I not see this sooner?!!" But the fact is, he's incredibly good at being a good guy. He told me that he loved me, so he was carrying out his duties as a lover. He called everyday, sometimes 3 times a day. He texted. He talked to me about everything that was going on with his life. And I listened contentedly, happy to be a part of things. But he never allowed himself to become invested in my life. He didn't have room for me.
What's depressing is that he could have made room for me, but he chose not to. Hell, I made room for him.
So, the really depressing thing as that as nice as he was about it--as good and as attentive as he was--even though he made the specific effort to be a good boyfriend--his heart wasn't in it.
How do I not doubt myself when this happens? I gave my heart and everything I could to make this work, and his heart wasn't in it. There's nothing that I could have done more. But his heart wasn't in it. It's so hard not to be fatalistic and think of all the other men who tried, but just couldn't get themselves to love me.
I'm not ugly, I'm not difficult, I'm not stupid or annoying. I'm not rude or demanding. I'm just me. And yet, it's never enough.
Why can't I for once be enough for someone?
I realize I'm not perfect, but what is it about me that after all I can give--I just don't seem to be enough?
In other news, I have a hickey. What the what?? This 23 year old kid chewed my neck off the other night. Despite his attractiveness, I am still bummed. But at least I forget a little of my misery when he's gnawing on my neck.
5 comments:
You make me so happy. I think because we are 30 and not 20, the (LDS) men available to us are also 30 (or 20, which is not acceptable to ME at least). The ones that are age-appropriate form MORE than a hickey and a temporary repreive from life have baaaaaggage. Otherwise, they would be stake presidents and have the requisite 4.6 children, a hefty mutual fund and 30% of their home paid off.
The ones who DONT have that probably tried to at some point and something went terribly, horribly, awfully wrong and that has left them very tentative about being able to invest themselves in a wonderful, beautiful, hilarious, articulate, talented, loyal, IN-LOVE woman.
It is a protective measure and you can only hope sooner rather than later you find a guy who has come to terms with his singlehood as a 30 year old and is willing and ready to JUMP into the pool again- holding hands, eyes closed and still be excited and committed to it.
I am sure of this Eve. However, outside the church, you will have NO problem finding an emotionally-available, age-approprite husband-material man. It is the sad truth that happens with the strange socialization that unfortunately plagues "us."
Okay so I was all sad reading this and then I read the hickey part and laughed out loud! I'm GLAD a 23-year-old chewed your neck off. That's AWESOME!!
I'm just really sorry about the whole Chris thing. It's really hard to give your all in a relationship and not have it work. And I've been there with the realization later that they were never really giving their heart to you. It's a hard feeling to have. I'm just sorry and hurting for you.
I'm glad you realize you ARE beautiful and AMAZING and wonderful. Because simply stated, you are. You are more than enough.
Once again, Eve, we are kindred spirits!! I am amazed when I read your blog and realize that we are going through the same things at the same time! I'm sorry you're down about this whole thing, and I know you'll pull through it (and I know YOU know you'll pull through it). Way to go for being true to yourself and not allowing yourself to be in a hollow relationship. I wish I was more like you!
Eve,
You are an inspiration and a pioneer. I haven't been on a date for quite some time (10+ years) but your blog inspired me to be open to the idea that it could still be possible. In the midst of this heartbreak, know that you are truly wonderful, loved by many and such a inspiration. I know it is hard to open your heart and give of yourself with the risk of complete anguish. It takes an even stronger person to share that heartache with others. Thank you for your love and compassion and your openness.
e
Okay, I am seriously inspired/touched and just plain overwhelmed by the responses I'm getting from all of you. Thanks friends. I may have lost a really great guy, but I have a pretty good life--filled with really amazing friends. Thank you Thank you!!
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