Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Learning to Feel

These are the times that try men's souls....

I haven't blogged since Friday...

I haven't walked since Saturday....

Today is Tuesday.

To my credit, yesterday was the first business day of the month and I had to submit all the month end reports to the higherups. And the owner decided to pay a long visit. And I redesigned the ads on the readerboards, and I rented out 3 new units.... Then I came home and hosted a small dinner party.

It was a busy day.

Sunday wasn't much better. We had a rehearsal for Lonzo Liggin's feature film Stop Pepper Palmer in preparation for the shoot starting in 10 days. Then, I headed over to the theatre for a 5pm performance of Avenue Q. And what about church, you ask? Yeah.... that didn't happen this week. I missed it.

Saturday, I had so much energy! I went into work to help out my asst manager--since it was a super busy day--then I headed to the river to go for a long walk. I walked for about 2 hours--with no sunscreen. It felt breezy. I wasn't wearing a bathing suit.

I turned into a crispy critter. My skin is fried.

Fried skin hurts.

I am the type of person who sublimates pain. I feel it, but I don't FEEL it.

I just get grumpy and irritated. I feel worn out.

And then it dawns on me.... "Hey Self, I think you're in a lot of pain!"

That's how I got to be so heavy. I really didn't notice that I was putting on so much weight until I woke up and everything just always hurt.

Sublimating pain.

I do the same emotionally. "Self, it doesn't really hurt when you're rejected by (insert name of person I care for)!"

But it does.

I just don't let the pain rise to the surface. I sublimate.

But it's still there, festering, digging, pricking.

And then it undoes me.

It festers until it undoes my energy, my motivation, my will.

In order to continue to make healthy choices--I have to make myself feel the pain and address it.

I've learned that I am an unconscious eater--I sublimate hunger and fulness as well. I have had to teach myself to recognize when I am hungry--and honor my hunger--as well as recognize when I am full and honor that feeling as well.

In order to keep moving forward--I must continue to take the time to post my gratitude every day, to be conscious and accountable for my eating decisions, and to honor my feelings--whether they be feelings of hunger, physical pain, or emotional pain.

While the past three days have been filled with noble pursuits--I must continue to prioritize myself as well. In the past, I have learned to sublimate my own needs in order to accomplish other tasks.

This has to stop.

Today, I am grateful for a moment to reflect, learn, and move forward.

I am also grateful for tea tree oil, solarcaine, ibuprofin, and vinegar. 


JM said...

Lovely. Just lovely.

JM said...

I tend to do the opposite. I tend to focus too much on the pain. And when I think I'm feeling better, I go all Munchausen-by-proxy on myself to inflict more pain. "Hey, let's go FB stalk the ex." "Look at all these pictures you never deleted." "Guess who, I mean, what he's doing right now!" It's almost as if I'm afraid to let go of all the hurt and just let myself be happy.

Eve said...

I think you have to acknowledge it. Honor it. Say hi to the pain. Blow it a kiss. Then grab it by the collar and drag it off to a happy place. You own the pain. The pain does not own you. That's just my two cents.

Eve said...

For example--when I'm hungry, I have to acknowledge the hunger--AND EAT. I don't just acknowledge the hunger and revel in it. I get a sandwich! Or better--cottage cheese. It's so tasty.