Sunday, August 4, 2013


To quote John Cusack in High Fidelity....

Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"


I'm feeling my own brand of exhausted/miserable right now.

And so I haven't made time to express gratitude or enjoy spiritual things.

And because of that, I'm exhausted and miserable.

And so I haven't made time to express gratitude or enjoy spiritual things.

Of course it could just be allergies.

Today I'm grateful for a day of relative peace. I only had to go into work and resolve a couple conflicts. I enjoyed singing at choir practice, but ducked out early because I just didn't want to be around people anymore.  Even when I'm around people I love, I am so tired.

I'm a true introvert. I need alone time. So I went to a matinee and saw Pacific Rim. It was exciting, inexpensive, cool, and I was able to just shut off my mind for a bit of Hollywood fun. It was exhilarating.

Now I'm home.

I've had a few miracles happen this week. And I have a lot to be grateful for.

I got offered am opportunity to write for an e-commerce business--so I'll be making some much needed extra cash.

I'm gonna throw this last story into the end of this random post.

I have severe sleep apnea. It's bad. I used to wake up all the time in the middle of the night. With my cpap machine, I sleep through the night.

I got fired within a week of the insurance company paying for my cpap machine. So even though I had it for 6 months and had a doctor's notice that I had severe sleep apnea--I lost my insurance right before they would cover it. I LOATHE insurance companies. I LOATHE the healthcare system in this country. I LOVE doctors and nurses--but I feel confident that they hate insurance companies as much as I do.

Because of this, I haven't replaced any part of my machine for 2 years. So the sillicone seal on my mask ripped. So I sleep while holding the mask tightly to my face.  I'm sure a few of you reading are thinking, "How can you sleep while holding a mask against your face?" The alternative is worse.

I went into a health store on Thursday. He told me that they couldn't sell me a mask without a prescription from a doctor.

Cue anxiety attack.
Cue instant tears.
Cue feeling of impending death.

I really tried to keep it together.

The man helping me excused himself and I buried myself in a game of Candycrush and tried to keep it together.

A few minutes later he returned with a pretty mask.

He told me it was a sample mask that he had disinfected.

He gave it to me.

He wasn't allowed to ask for money because of the paper work required and because I lacked a prescription.

So he gave it to me.

I cried a lot that day.

I generally keep a positive outlook on things. I'd rather be positive, grateful, and it is my experience that things get better.

But my reality came very close to crashing in on itself this week. And then it was rescued by powers beyond my control.

This makes me feel both incredibly humble and incredibly vulnerable.

And grateful.

Always grateful.

I have no business being miserable right now. I think I'm recovering from the moments when I saw my life collapsing on itself. I'm also really tired. Holding plastic to your face for a week will do that to a woman.

Or maybe it's just allergies. 

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