Saturday, October 30, 2010

Lots of Thoughts

Today was a good day. I slept in. I finally got some Redmond's Clay and soaked my feet. I'll find out tomorrow if it helped at all.

I'm watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame right now as little trick or treaters come to the door.

I want very much to get dressed up and go to a party. I want to feel a part of life here in the land of Ute, but I just don't. I just feel sick. You know when there's an infection in your body and you just can't shake the horrible way it makes you feel?

I've applied for at least 10 jobs this week. I have a hard time believing that I'm deserving of more money and stability, but I am. It's just hard to believe that.

I feel like I'm simply typing the same tune over and over again lately.

I wonder how I'm defined in this world? I don't understand my place. I'm terribly afraid of being defined by the world.

Remember Les Miserables? There are two girls who stand out to me. Cosette--the lovely girl who loves Marius, and he loves her and they live happily ever after. And Eponine--the lovely girl who loves Marius.

I listened to the music. Eponine had the best songs, but I hated to relate to her pain because it was my darkest fear that I was more like Eponine and less like Cosette.

Well, here we are 20 years later. Men love me, but they'd never actually choose me. They would never actually change their life to be with me. No, if I'm very convenient and if I provide some sort of amusement without demanding anything--then they let me be a part of their life. Until someone more important comes along, like their Cosette.

I'm not sure how this happened? Perhaps living with the fear made it a reality.

There are certainly other characters that I relate to: Addison on Private Practice--(last season, not this season), and Brenda on Six Feet Under.

The problem is--these two complicated melancholy women aren't exactly the picture of virtue. Being a single woman in these modern times is complicated. I'm not an angelic being. I'm not without desires. I could relegate myself to "spinsterhood" as my grandmother likes to put it, but I don't feel very much like an "old maid" or a "spinster". I just feel single.

Again, it's the same old tune.

But after years of associating with LDS men who view me as replaceable and unimportant, I can either choose to not date at all, or I can enjoy going out with good men who actually see me as more than just "second best".

I'm not sure what exactly I'm giving up. I'm just tired of being defined by everyone else. I'd much prefer to choose a world where I'm able to choose a definition that better fits my complicated nature.


Matthew said...

I, too have had two major fears all my life long- that I am am currently living- I often have thought, it is because I feared it so much. It is bizarre. It is nice to be able to talk about it though, instead of pretending like everything is absolutely as perfect as I/we planned, eh?

CMS said...

sorry, Matt never signs out.