Monday, October 18, 2010

Turning a Corner

How do I describe this week? Ugggh...

I want to love my life. I want to take control and be happy. And in moments throughout my day, I'm happy. I am capable of finding joy in the moments. Perhaps I'm too satisfied with less than. There are times when I look at my situation and I realize that I need to conjure the need to want more. I need to believe that I deserve more.

It's a tight rope between gratitude and ambition. I am good at being grateful for what I have--but not ambitious enough to try and make things better for myself.

I'm trying to turn a corner. I'm trying to expect more for myself.

Bishop Richard C. Edgely was my Stake President when my parents were going through their divorce. His words have always meant a lot to me. During conference, he talked about how Faith is a Choice.

This morning, I prayed to know if God is real. I feel on the edge of faith right now. I am too on the edge of everything, but most especially my faith. As I asked this question, I was reminded of moments when I learned the veracity of God's existence. It wasn't a warm fuzzy feeling, just certain moments were brought to my remembrance. But still, the moment wasn't life altering.

Then today, the speaker quoted Bp. Edgely's talk where he said: Faith is a choice.

I realized that knowing that God lives and Choosing to exercise faith are two very different things.

So, I'm rounding a corner. I'm choosing to exercise faith.

Another thought--the choice to exercise faith--like the choice that Christ made to atone for our sins--this choice is difficult. It is a choice fraught with sacrifice and with heartbreak. BUT--after the pain comes the resurrection, the new life. Choosing to be righteous is difficult. But, as sure as Christ lives--we will be blessed with greater joy and a new, sanctified life. That is the lesson of the resurrection--not only that we will live again--but that beyond the pains of today's sacrifices--there is new life and hope for a joyful happy life here on earth.


Miss Heather said...

How come we're both struggling at the same time? I'm so sorry, sweet Eve. I love you so much!

CMS said...

hmmm. Me too. As I turned into the parking lot of my church yesterday, I shook my head. I just did not want to be there. I am having similar, but different struggles. Right before it was time to go home, I felt very glad I had gone to church and that I was not correct in my assumptions of how my time in church would go. I am glad about that. Still though, I have so many things I am wondering about these days...