I am the heaviest I have ever been. I'm no longer curvy. I am round. I really don't like myself right now.
I am unwilling to make the choices that I need to reverse this.
There are moments of darkness where I simply want to just disappear. I want to just fade away. It doesn't feel suicidal because I don't wish myself violence, but I know that continuing on this course of health will lead to an early grave and I am not stopping it. Is that suicide? If so, I've been slowly killing myself since I was a teenager. Certainly, I don't think to myself, "I'd like to die an early death, so I'm gonna eat this doughnut." But I don't think about what the doughnut is doing to me.
There are people in my life who simply will not allow me to fade away though.
Last night, performing Skyfall...
I just didn't see that coming. I couldn't have anticipated being asked to perform when I am who I am right now. I just feel like I'm too flawed.
I was so nervous. I had the words memorized. I had actions I wanted to do, but right before I went on, I made Dustin Bolt look up the lyrics on his phone so I could carry them out there. I was freaking out. But, it was perfect. I stood and had the lyrics safely with me. I barely glanced at them. But they comforted me. And no one was looking at me because there was this fantastic acrobatic feat going on in front of me. It was perfect!
I am really grateful for Gamyr and Daniel and Ginger for asking me to perform at the Event last night. It forced me to stop fading.
And now I'm playing Mae. A sexy vamp.
Every time I try to fade away, there are people who see more in me than I am willing to recognize in myself. They see beyond the flaws that haunt me.
I don't know if I've said it enough. Tammy Ross and the Midvale Main Street Theatre saved me.
No one can know what it means to me to know that I can always go there and work on my craft or teach others. And when I asked Tammy to perform at the benefit for Darkhorse to help raise funds for another theatre company, she didn't hesitate to offer her time and resources, not because she knew Gamyr or Daniel, but because she wanted to help and because I asked her. She is incredibly generous with her time and I am so proud to be working with her.
I am crying and sad because I just saw the video that sweet Angela Corbett shot of me while I was singing and oh boy howdy--there's nothing like seeing yourself in a video to make you come to Jesus about your weight. And I'm crying because I am physically, mentally, and emotionally completely exhausted after preparing to open one show this week, performing last night, and hoping that I wasn't asking too much of the cast of Avenue Q so early in their rehearsal process. If my mom was here, she'd tell me to get to bed early tonight. And she would be soooo right.
But I'm not fading.
Despite all my best efforts to just slink away, for some reason, I am in a place where I am not allowed to do that.
Today I am grateful for the people who support me when I don't support myself. The list is long.