I'm reading the post on Rosh Hashanah from the tumblr--Just Say Amen Already.
And the song playing in the background is "I don't know Who I am, Who I am..." by Missy Higgins.
So that's me in this present moment.
I am having a difficult moment trying to figure out where to start.
I went to the temple.
It started off by thinking about Rachel and Leah. I thought about these two sister wives. Leah was the first wife and Rachel was the second wife. While Leah, took on the role of wife and mother--Rachel--waited?
For 7 years.
It doesn't seem like that long at 35. But I imagine when faced with the idea, it was a long wait.
I thought about myself as a Rachel. Waiting. But I knew the path of those thoughts weren't over.
I knew I was in the middle of learning something.
That night, my friend tells me two things that rock my little world.
1) Truth is knowledge of things as they have been, as they are, and as they will be.
2) In reading the Hebrew version of the Torah--rather than reading things as woman and man--woman refers to flesh and man refers to spirit.
Those two principles began to filter through my mind and the inside of my head felt like a pinball machine. Things just to started to whirl, whiz, and bang.
I concluded that the truth about who I am is found in identifying who I have been, who I am, and who I will be.
I ran home to write out my findings.
I made a list.
I am Eve.
I am a woman.
I am a daughter of God.
I am a sister.
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a priestess.
I am a queen.
I am a servant.
I am a child.
I am a student.
I am a teacher.
I looked at the list and realized that it didn't tell the whole story. I took the list and wrote adjectives next to each role I had listed.
I am Eve.
I am a woman. Beautiful
I am a daughter of God. Divine
I am a sister. Compassionate
I am a mother. Wise
I am a wife. Partnered
I am a priestess. Powerful
I am a queen. Regal
I am a servant. Humble
I am a child. Optimistic
I am a student. Learning
I am a teacher. Generous
Then I wrote this thought:
We're not relegated to roles. We're given roles because of the qualities we possess. Our roles don't define us. They REVEAL us.
The next day in church, I looked at my list. I realized the blessing I have to live in and luxuriate in the different aspects of my character.
It doesn't matter when events will unfold themselves because I am who I am.
Rachel didn't wait. Such thoughts reduce her to one thing. Granted, the story only tells us that part of her story--but we know that for 7 years she luxuriated in the opportunities to bless, teach, impart, learn, grow, feel, rule, and serve.
Today I am grateful that I am Eve.
PostScript: I find these answers in scriptures, the temples, and in discussions with spiritually minded friends. But sometimes I wish gospel discussion at church would focus on different roles that women play in the eternities. It is an uphill battle to tell yourself to stop waiting when you hear about how important it is to be a wife and mother your whole life.