Great Expectations

Life is changing. I have been feeling really down and out lately. I could speculate on the whys and the wherefores, but I already know why, and I don't really care if you know why! (Not that I don't care, but the reasons are stupid and complicated.)

Needless to say, things are looking up. I'm crawling out of my dreary little hole. The difficult thing about the way I was feeling is that for all intents and purposes, I should have felt divine. I set some goals about some needed purchases: a car, a computer. I told myself that I was going to pay off my debts, and be able to purchase these things--all before the new year. I have the journal entry where I wrote down these goals, and it's hilarious because I warily wrote down that I would make $-,000 in 10 weeks. I was so afraid to write down such a large figure.

And as I wrote down that figure, that attainable figure, I realized that it would take a miracle for me to be able to buy a new car, pay off my cc debt, and buy a computer with that amount.

So three days later, I get a memo that they've decided to standardize the adjunct pay. They also decided to pay us according to the number of students we have. It was heart attack central waiting to see how many students I would have. At the end of the week, I ended up with plenty of students in 6 classes. The number I wrote down before--I'll be making almost double that figure.

This is miraculous. This is something to have a cow about. And yet, I feel pretty calm. It's simply the number required for me to be able to reach my goals. And that's simply something I should expect. I have worked hard, and it's not asking for too much to simply expect that I should be able to support myself working at a job I love.

But, seriously, I have to pinch myself. I'm making a livable wage doing something I love. I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

As for love, I'm excited for it. I realized that a bit of my sadness is that I spent the past few months in an emotionally intimate relationship with the wrong guy. I love him, but he is not the right guy for me. But, because of the blessing of spending so much time with him, I realized that I enjoy a life that involves depending on someone else. I've been so independent for so long, it was a lesson I needed to learn. So my sadness comes in that after learning how joyful it is to travel with someone, and how joyful it is to run off and do spontaneous things with a partner in crime--it's been very difficult returning to life as a lone ranger. I enjoyed a great weekend in Staunton. I loved being with my friends, but I missed having a partner in crime. He really was a lovely addition to my life. And he still is. We're still wonderful friends, but he's just not THE guy.

Anywhoooo, the point is--I know what I'm missing now. And that cuts. But it also reminds me to want more in life. And to expect more. It's like the money thing, there's nothing particularly out of the ordinary expecting to have your needs met when you work hard and love what you do. It's not a miracle getting a new car and a new computer. And frankly, being in a great relationship with the RIGHT guy isn't miraculous either. It's to be expected!