I was talking with my dad tonight about my little brother Matthew.
My dad said something that made me think.
As a child, there were 3 of us. I have 10 brothers and sisters now, but as a child--there were just the three of us.
I was the oldest. I was the perfect child. All my parents had to do was look at me with a disappointed look, and I banished myself to my room--overwhelmed with guilt.
Jack was the middle child. As my parents chased him around the house with the "wooden spoon", he would giggle and scream, "Didn't hurt!" And continue in his wicked ways.
Matt was the baby. He was normal. He cried when he was spanked. He was mischeivious, but not wicked. He made mistakes. He was normal.
Unfortunately Jack passed away about 5 years ago and Matthew's "normal" behavior is set against my "perfection". He feels like a bad guy.
I am not perfect, but I don't advertise my imperfections because I'm 30 and nobody cares frankly. Unfortunately because of my stellar past, my family believes I am without flaw. Sooooo, when anyone else has problems--I seem imperfectly perfect--and they feel like losers.
I sometimes feel like I should advertise my flaws in order to make my other family members feel some kinship to me. But then I find myself making light of serious issues. It's an odd conundrum.
I don't do pot--but I don't much care when a family member likes doing it. Does this make me wicked?
I didn't get fired--but if someone else does--I figure it's for a good reason. Who purposely gets themselves fired?
My problems seem small and inconsequential. And maybe they are.
I really think my family secretly loves that I'm overweight.
I dunno. I think I'm pretty normal. I wish I could convince them. Then again, if I'm normal, then my brothers really are Superbad! Come to think of it, they kind of remind me of the guys on Superbad. Or in Pineapple Express for that matter. And yes, I did see both those movies--which officially puts me on the "not perfect" list.
6 comments:
will comment when I am not supporting the most enormous breasts on this earth (pumping). i finally know why you remind me of me. My family (mom) liked the fact that I was overweight last year, but now she wants me skinny again so I look better than... well some people she met this fall. it is interesting, eve. i think i did this to myself to be like "seriously, someone take note and HELP ME instead of pointing to rainbows that aren't there and stars that don't shine". back to the boobies, i shall return
Oh please, I saw both movies too. And go see Gran Torino... best movie EVER!
ANYWAY, it's funny to me how similar our situations are... there were three of us growing up and now there's ten also. :) And I was exactly the same as you growing up. Plus I am the overweight one in my family.
See? We are SO kindred spirits!
Ahh the great acceptable imperfection weight is. It's the legal/morally acceptable way to commit a slow suicide. It's our way of outwardly manifesting the fact that something is wrong. The thing is--for me--something's gotta give. I have to be good at my job in order to get paid. I have to be a good friend--because who wants to be a bad friend! But I can let my body go and the only one who gets hurt is me. And I can deal with that. Oh it's a stupid thing. When am I going to just stop and start acting like I matter. I really need to trade this vice for another. What's an acceptable vice? Not sure. Must find something.
"I really think my family secretly loves that I'm overweight."
They probably do, but without recognizing that what they are actually doing is detrimental to your progress. It is hard for people to accept and support and encourage the good in others lives. My mom always complains about the 'rich' people, but doesn't take care of finances and so she is in the poor house and has been there for years.
My point, we curse at, place curses upon just about everybody we meet. The trick in not allowing those curses (negative thoughts)affect you, is to keep your self aligned with the light. Protected, shielded, loved, accepted . ....and..... remember that when we fall off of whatever wagon we are on, it's okay, and mistakes are apart of helping us grow.
Now, that doesn't mean that we should not have discipline in our lives, it just means STOP BEATING YOUR SELF UP! Cuz....then the cycle begins....
Love you....
All my life, I felt like everyone had high expectations of me and I took it upon myself to never let them down. I did not realize until I was in college, they really did not give a crap about my successes and that I would have probably not gotten any flack at all if I had been less of an achiever. I suppose that my desire to please others was a great asset though, because I set high goals, expected much and was disappointed even if no one else noticed. I felt like it was a gift to those who had to deal with many problems of my siblings, but really, it was a gift to me.
The fun is that whenever there is anything that ticks anyone off, I hear "you think you're sooooo perfect." Um. No. I am doing my best, because doing my WORST doesn't seem to be doing anyone I see that going on with any favors. Why is trying to do well a "sin?"
So it is with relief that my fam has seen my very, very visible imperfection. The sad thing is that when it was not an issue, I felt like they liked me less.
Blah blah blah.
I need to be ok with wanting to please myself though and I know that I need to look better to be my best self. I just dont have the discipline (or time!) right now...
Crystal, you're spread so dang thin--and you're dealing with A LOT of different stuff. I do want you to take better care of yourself, but only in the ways of allowing others to care for you. And demanding that others pull their weight. I'm glad that Matt is sleeping less. That sounds horrible--but I was a little miffed that you were doing everything to ensure that he got a full night's rest when you were barely sleeping! (That's horrible. I want both of you to get more sleep.)
As for your weight, you just had a baby. It'll come off. You look beautiful. Just relax and love yourself for all the great things your body is able to accomplish.
As for me--when I say that my family is happy I'm overweight--that's not true. My mom and dad have both encouraged me to lose weight. There's this fine line between loving myself in the moment and reaching for my potential.
I was really just thinking of my little brother Matthew. He is dealing with so much crap that I think HE in particular is glad that I have one apparent flaw.
I just wish he would take the time to get to know me better so I could introduce him to the whole world of flaws I have. Which makes me normal. Not a perfect freak--just normal.
I don't mind my flaws. I have great stuff going for me too. This isn't so much a confidence issue as a, "I wish my family knew the real me a little better" issue. But living across the country can put a little bump in that road.
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