Yesterday I confessed to Sarah and Mike that I think life might be easier if I just made the mental leap into singlehood. Mike said I should stop thinking that way, and I agree. I talked with another friend who is thinking about freezing her eggs so that when she meets the right guy, she'll be able to have children. Yesterday's conversations were filled with all sorts of things to freak me out about getting older and being single.
There are a few attitudes to explore here:
1) Choose to be married.
2) Choose to be single.
3) Get dragged into a wrong marriage.
4) Be a bitter singleton.
Attitude 1: Choose to be married.
This is the future I prefer. I would love to happily choose someone wonderful because they make me happy.
Attitude 2: Choose to be single.
There are great things about being single. You can travel. (I have a friend going to Angor Wat in 3 weeks.) Sarah has been to Guatamala, Puerto Rico, California, NYC, Philly, etc this year. She's spending Christmas in London and Vienna. You can go to movies whenever, and shop and eat out, etc.
Attitude 3: Get dragged into a wrong marriage.
This happens as a result of fear. Fear of losing choices, fear of everything.
Attitude 4: Be a bitter singleton.
You can't control love. You just can't.
I don't want to be a bitter singleton. I want to choose to be where I am in life.
I feel like I have double-check how much I hope for things. If I hope too much, than with every day that passes, I might miss out on the joy of being in the moment. If I don't hope enough, than am I missing out on opportunities to date and meet the right guy?
I have a lot of friends outside the church who have no desire to be married. We're taught to hope for these things in the church, but I wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice by hoping for something that I don't have. Am I missing out on the joys of life by overthinking things I can't control?
Yes.
So this week is going to be about exercising control over those things I can control. I just need to feel like I have a little bit of control. I don't need to see end results--I just need to exercise control over life instead of feeling like life is controlling me.
I am going to wake up early. I am going to eat good foods, exercise, read scriptures, prepare for my lecture. I am going to talk to good friends, plan vacations, and dress up.
As for my attitude about being married or single? After this weekend, I don't know that I could stop hoping for it even if I tried. This sucks. But, hey? Whaddya gonna do?
3 comments:
I was meaning to tell you--you looked pretty hot in the Poe show. I think you've lost weight (or gained muscle, which is better) since I saw you last.
And who was that sweet man who drove all the way down from DC to see it?
I was just fine and dandy being single until I joined the church and all the single people were one in spirit- finding a spouse- then I realized 1) I was WAY OLDER than most of them and 2) I had a lot of things that made me feel like a person they would not like to bring home to momma.
Anyway. It is hard with all that pressure!
Most of my graduate school friends are JUST NOW starting to get married/have children. That is how it is outside the church. 30 is the beginning of getting married, not the beginning of losing all hope. It is hard though. It is.
I really have to stop posting after midnight. Life is good. It's very good! Just crazy thoughts abound.
I'm coming to Hburg this Friday. Call me! Let's hang.
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