Monday, November 16, 2009

Still Processing

One of the joys of writing a blog is that because it's so public--it forces you to have a bit of discretion when writing about other human beings.

I have enjoyed this because it forces me to find positive things to write about--even when I haven't felt particularly positive. I've also tried to write more about feelings and less about the events.

I think all of us can relate to feelings and the purpose of writing these blogs is to discover and share in our shared humanity. So, I write about the feelings and I leave out the details of the events.

And usually when I find myself thrown face down in the proverbial mud, I try to bounce back pretty quickly. But right now, I just don't want to.

It's been a particularly difficult past couple of weeks.

I feel like I had to face all the things I'm very bad at--and I failed at all of them. I feel like I've had to look in the mirror at all of my fears about myself--and I can no longer convince myself that everything is fine. That I'm fine.

When I was in the 5th Grade, I felt like my friends didn't really want to be my friend--but that they pitied me somehow. Why would I feel this way? That's ridiculous! But sometimes these same feelings rise up inside of you--and 20 years later--the same insecurities rear their ugly head.

When I was 13, I had my first kiss. He and I have since become good friends, but that night I thought that a kiss meant that he liked me. I thought that it would translate into something new and fun. After kissing me, he told me not to tell anyone about it. Twenty years later, I find I'm still the girl that the guy wants to kiss secretly, but I'm not good enough for him to hold my hand in public.

When I was 20, I met a great guy and became wonderful friends with him. We did everything together. He wanted to share his dreams, his insecurities, his ambitions with me. But he never saw me as more than a friend. I was good enough to make him feel better about himself--but not good enough to love in return. And 10 years later, the pattern repeats itself again.

To see these patterns all repeat themselves within the course of a week--it's too much to bear. And it's difficult to convince yourself that it isn't you.

Something in me has to change. It has to change. But I don't know what.

My first step is to stop trying to fix things and just let myself exist. I just need to be for a bit.

If I can just exist for a little bit, I might find that healing sneaks in from out of the woodwork. I might find that when I let go and just stop trying that life itself can beautifully and miraculously bring elements of joy that carefully caress your heart and dispell all the angst and feelings of pain. With faith, existing can be almost proactive!

5 comments:

Salmon Tolman Family said...

Dear Eve,
I love this post.
I love you even more.
I have similar problems of telling myself things to separate emotionally from others--like your 5th grade experience.
Sometimes we are so honest with ourselves that we actually start making more out of situations and lying to ourselves about our feelings regarding them. I have this problem, too.
I, too, am grateful for blogging. It forces me to have a positive mind while writing because I'm such a negative person, and I want to make others believe that I'm a good person because I want so much to be one.
I know I already said it, but...
I love this post.
And I love you.
You're on the road to discovery, girl! You'll come out a better person, I promise!
Love, Kala

Sunshine said...

Oh my sweet Eve! I think everyone of us has traveled this very same road. Do I change? Do I need to change? Should I change? Why can't people love me for who I am? Why can't I love myself for who I am?
Why can't people love me for who I am?

Honestly it is the best and worst process we can ever go through. We can learn more about ourselves and others and in turn not be so judgmental. There have been plenty moments of tears and regret, but somehow... somehow I feel better through all those tears.

This is not a 'grass is greener on the other side' or there is more 'fish in the sea'. It simply sucks to hurt so much, and once the hurt stops the knowledge comes flowing in.

I love you dear friend Eve! You are a wonderful woman....!!!

Miss Heather said...

I love you so much my darling Eve. I have felt the exact same way before. I've never walked in your shoes and I don't know what it's like to live your life... but I know what kind of a person you are... and I love every part of you.

Personally I think just "existing" and "being" for a while is a great thing. The things that are happening don't necessarily mean YOU need to change yourself... just maybe your outlook or how you approach situations. I LOVE YOU! Call me anytime. I MISH YOU!!!

kendralu said...

wow. i re-read that last paragraph like 4 times. i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but i think you are just wonderful. you inspire me.

Eve said...

Thanks for the love. It helps immensely. I haven't really been up to talking about anything. I just don't want to hear myself say it. I just need to feel. And be. And I don't care how trivial everything is--I just need to feel. So I really really appreciate the love. Thanks! It means the world.